School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.
School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.
You used to be my inspiration,
You didn’t judge me like the rest,
You saw me for the person I was,
Not for the way I dressed,
So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,
Gave your heart to a prettier face,
Your love to a better life,
Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,
Still you don’t see-
Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.
Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,
My face is a pantomime screen,
And my head is filled with litter,
Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,
Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.
You see me laugh,
Don’t hear me cry,
You see me smile,
Don’t hear me sigh,
I live on mechanical happiness,
Exterior is not interior,
From outside you can’t see,
The blackness that lives inside of me,
I live on mechanical happiness,
My smiles are run on reflex,
Take the time to look and see,
Mechanical happiness hides my misery.
School again, but at least it is the last day before the weekend and for once the library was actually open! I had to make a stained glass window in art and as my theme is sports I decided to make the window a kind of Wembley memorial because the old stadium is being demolished. So it has two footballers and behind them is the famous twin towers and it’s all done in England’s colours: Red, white and Blue.
It doesn’t look I’ll be going to see Feeder after all. It’s in Edinburgh and Mam doesn’t seem too pleased about this. She was calling Tina a ‘twit’ for thinking we could go to Edinburgh. It wouldn’t be hard to get there on the train, it’s less than an hour, but I didn’t want to argue as it would just have caused trouble. She didn’t actually say I couldn’t go but she made it very clear that she didn’t want me to and so I can’t really because if I go knowing she doesn’t want me to then I’ll just feel guilty. So it’s goodbye to my first gig, the others will just have to go without me, leave the baby to sit in the house because she isn’t old enough to go anywhere by herself. It annoys me sometimes, I’m really upset because I was looking forward to going to that concert. It seems as though Mam thinks I can’t be trusted to go anywhere on my own. I’m going to loose all my friends because every time they ask me to do something I have to tell them I can’t, they’ll just think I’m boring. But no matter what, I won’t argue because I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll just have to put up with it and wait for a time when I have a job and am not at school and I can go to all the concerts I want. It’s not fair, things are so boring doing nothing at all but going to the shops and out with the dogs every week with Mam. I wonder how old I’ll need to be before I’m allowed to do things on my own? Grandma came to stay for the weekend. She was moaning because we didn’t have three spare sleeping bags for her bed. She was saying she was going to be very uncomfortable with just one. She’s never happy, every time she comes to stay she finds something to complain about from the cereals we eat to the programmes we watch.
School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.
Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!
back to school for another week of complete boredom and misery. At least I had some time off from Mrs O’Donovan in English because there was an assembly first thing this morning. Tina was back so she could finally hear the final version of ‘Angels in Strait Jackets’. I played it to her in music and she really liked it. She showed the lyrics to this boy called Jack in our music class and he came over and listened to the melody too. He was also impressed but he started asking all these questions like whether I was going to do it rock or metal and me not knowing as much about music as he does I just told him I wouldn’t be doing anything with it personally as I can’t play any of the instruments that would make it sound good like electric guitar.
For some reason I just don’t feel right anymore. I can’t seem top shake this sad feeling and I can’t blame anyone or anything for it, it’s just my life in general. It’s been hanging over me for ages and it’s so strong now that the slightest thing makes me feel insanely miserable. But you aren’t allowed to be unhappy in our house. Take Saturday for example. The things Mam said really upset me and she could see that but she said I was pathetic for letting it bother me because you aren’t allowed to be unhappy, it seems. That’s why I need the mechanical happiness so she can think nothing is wrong. The things that seem to cause my sadness are a number of small things: The fact that I’m thick, the fact that my future is a dead end job, the fact that I’m ugly, the fact that every day is the same with me being made to look like a dunce, but when they are all added together I realise life is pointless. I AM pathetic. Was good am I to anyone? Absolutely none. I feel ill. Michael and Lynne are so clever and I’m the thick one who got a D in computing and can’t answer any of the questions in English. Lynne is going to be a vet and I’m sure Michael will get a good job so Mam will be proud of them but I’ll never make her proud because I’ll never achieve anything. I hate me.
School of course. I was annoyed because Tina wasn’t in and I had a double period of music. As usual the music teachers where away and there was no one to take the class so I had absolutely nothing to do and no Tina to talk to so I was bored stiff. I just sat staring into space for two whole periods. If she had have been in it would have been the idea opportunity for her to listen to Angels in Straitjackets, what with their being no teacher and nothing to do. Trust my luck to spoil my plans. After school me, Mam and lynne went to this thing at the Tryst sports centre called ‘spinet’. It was three quarters of an hour of exercise on a bike to music. It was hell and also a demonstration of how unfit I am. I hardly made it through the session; my face was bright red, I was sweating and out of breath. The seats on the bike where as hard as rocks and now my backside is killing me. I probably will go back though, I wasn’t expecting getting fit to be an enjoyable experience.
I had an idea for a new song today, it’s called ‘Mechanical Happiness’. It’s a concept I came up with that describes my situation: I feel unhappy a lot of the time because of progress at school, deeply unhappy, but nobody sees. Why? Because I hide it. I allow my exterior to run on an automated system which makes me appear and sound happy, it’s complete autopilot, sometimes I hardly even what I say myself its so automatic, I’m thinking about one thing but saying something else without even realising. This is just mechanical happiness- it’s not genuine. It’s probably a difficult thing to understand unless you’ve experienced it, it’s very strange when you do experience it. So this will be the basis for my new song and it has the potential to be as good as Angels in Strait Jackets. So, like all my song, it deals with real life, real feelings and emotions that many people experience, it’s realistic and a complete contrast to the fantasy world these manufactured bands sing about.
Second day of the week and what a bad day it’s been. Once again it was Mr Williams for English and as usual we were doing poetry. He makes us read poems about death all the time which is so depressing and I never understand them so once again I stuttered and stumbled my way through the lesson and ended up feeling like a complete thicko. English with Mr Ward was no better today either. He was asking all these questions about Shakespear’s ‘Measure for Measure’ and although I’ve read the play twice as instructed I couldn’t get any of the answers, I couldn’t even think of any ideas at all, even ones that might be wrong, my mind just blanked out on me. I really think there’s something wrong with my brain. I never used to be like this. I’m broken now. So Mr Ward told me to wait behind after the lesson so he could speak to me about it. He wasn’t getting at me or being nasty, in fact he was quite pleasant, he told me I should give my ideas even if they might be wrong, what he doesn’t understand is that I don’t have any ideas at all, that’s why I can’t answers, he seems to think it’s because I’m frightened of being wrong. I feel like shit and I don’t usually swear so that shows just how bad it is. I’m tired of being the class dunce. I shouldn’t have to take this crap. I see no reason for me to stay on at school, what will I get out of it? Nothing. I’m so dense that I’m doing terrible at all my subjects and I’m guaranteed to fail every one of them. Yet again school leaves me feeling useless and pathetic. How am I ever going to be a writer? I’ve got no chance. At writer who is failing english! No, that’s never been heard of, it’s not possible. Why does everyone expect me to be able to handle this? Why does everyone have the illusion that I’m intelligent? Can’t people just accept the fact that I’m just plain stupid, not embarrassed or scared, just stupid.