Saturday 17th February 2001

We managed to get the car started today so we were able to go to the pictures. We went to see ‘castaway’ and it was good.  It was about a man whose plane crashed into the sea and he ended up washed up on a desert island. Lots of packages from his plan where washed up too and in one of the was a ‘Wilson’ volley ball. He drew a face on it in blood and called it Wilson so he could have something to talk to, he was treating it as if it was a real person. He lived in  cave on the island for four years (and he still had Wilson at the end of it) before he managed to build a raft and sail away from the island. It worked but Wilson fell into the sea and was washed away. When someone found him and he got home his girlfriend had moved in with someone else.

On the subject of Jack: My efforts to try and think of him only as a friend have been a complete failure. I can’t stop searching for fragile threads of hope. It’s not easy, you can’t just turn off your emotions like a tap, you can’t control them, it’s the other way around, they control you. Trying to fight them is like trying to fight air. I keep telling myself that Grace has shown no interest in him and so he might loose interest in her and I could still get him. Stranger things have happened. It’s not impossible.

 

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Friday 16th February 2001- Futile Makeup Efforts

At least there was no school today as it was a holiday. We were supposed to go and see a film called ‘Castaway’ at the showcase cinema but we checked the times yesterday and we thought it was showing at 3.30. Not realising that the film times change on a Friday, we got there at the wrong time. We had to buy tickets for tomorrow instead. We decided instead to go to the shops at East Kilbride because now we won’t be going to the ships tomorrow. The car was nearly breaking down today as well. It kept cutting out overtime we stopped at the traffic lights. Also a man came out of nowhere and nearly crashed into the back of us. Mam stuck her finger up at him.

At the shops I bought some foundation because I am sick of looking so ugly and the main cause of it is my shiny, uneven complexion, I have to hide the nasty patches of redness. I’ve never really worn makeup before but the past few days have made me feel so hideous  that I feel I have to do something, no matter how futile. Anyway, it does make me look a little better and it makes me feel better, so if I feel like I look better then that’s all that matters. Oh hell! I’m rambling now, talking nonsense, talking rubbish, who am I fooling? I can’t forget Jack and I’m still hoping he will come to me. Enough said on that subject! Stop!

The hairdresser was supposed to come today but for some strange reason she didn’t. I am going to see Feeder after all. They are playing at the Barrowlands on March 16th and Mam said I could go. I can’t wait. Tina is going to get the tickets this weekend. She sent me a message last night from the my vitriol concert saying that Ash are playing the Queen Margret Union in May. I like Ash more than Feeder the trouble is no one else does so I’ll have no-one top go with.

Thursday 15th February 2001- We All Need Pain

School. When my alarm went off this morning I just didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to face another day but with the growing daylight the despair began to evaporate, but it is still a large pool and it make take a while for it to completely disappear. I have to sort out my screwed up head so I can go on living. I’d like to put Jack out of my mind completely but that is not an option. I’m still going to have to see him every day and he doesn’t know my real feelings for him. I can’t just blank him, after all he has been nice to me, I don’t want to loose him as a friend, so a friend he will stay. He can still be an inspiration as a friend. Him and Grace are both my friends so if she chooses to go out with him I should be glad, I should be pleased that my friends are happy and I will try my best to be. I certainly won’t turn against either of them because that would just be childish and nasty, we are all grown ups now so let’s act like it, no moody, jealous teenager routine, that stuff is for kids, let’s just be sensible. A look at the positive things to come out of this would do no harm: It clears away any indecision, wondering and not knowing wether he likes me was the most agonising part of this. Now I know for sure I can get on with my life. Secondly is the potential for some good lyrics I could get from the emotions I have felt over the last few days. Tuesdays entry was a torrent of true feelings poured randomly onto a page and some beautiful images were born with it, strong images that could be really moving if changed into a song. We all need pain, no matter how hard it is at the time, it builds character, it’s what helps us become more than just cardboard cut outs (when combined also with happiness of course). If I didn’t have these periods of hopelessness and trauma I would never have produced some of the work that I have. Depression is a breeding ground for ideas, a place where art is made, the most powerful art in the world comes from a soul that has suffered and has the scars to prove it. Perhaps that is why the worlds greatest creators are all manic depressives. Look at Van Gough…Need I say more?

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.

February 13th 2001- Heart Break

School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?

12th February 2001- Our Dog Takes Drugs

Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.

Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.

oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!

February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.