Tuesday 24th April 2001- I’ve fallen in love with the bass

Oh how wonderful this is! I am currently in possession of a beautiful bass guitar, I am looking at it right now and I love it. It’s not mine though, it’s Tom’s, he’s let me borrow it for as long as I need it. He’s so nice, I love him, this is so exciting. Today was the first get together of  Left of Deviant so I must document it so we can remember the starting point if we ever make it. Well there was only me and Tina, we went to borrow Tom’s bass and he also loaned us a bass amp. Tina brought her electric guitar and Jack’s amp. What fun we had trying to get that bass amp up to my room, it was so heavy and a struggle. We just messed around and Tina showed me how to read bass tab. We didn’t get too far with the actual music but she is photocopying some of Bush’s songs for me to learn. We looked over my lyrics I had been scrawling during the holidays. Then we had s bit of a laughing fit because one of the songs I wrote starts with the line ‘nobody has mental balance, you have least of all’. I’m not sure why it seemed so funny but we laughed and laughed especially at the thought of it being the first song on the album and that being the very first line. Oh well. My room was filled with guitar stuff and amongst it was the two dogs wafting their tails about.  When Tina had to go we discovered getting the bass amp down the stairs was even harder than getting it up. We struggled down with it, almost crippling ourselves, and eventually got it out to the car. Oh how I need to properly learn bass and get one of my own. It’s so cool! I’ve fallen in love with the bass in the corner of my room! I don’t want to have to give it up when Tom comes back for it (though it does have a sticker on it which says ‘don’t be a dick’).

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Saturday 21st April 2001- A band!

Today we went to the forge shopping centre in the park head area of Glasgow. It was a nasty place and I didn’t like it one bit! Why? I’ll tell you why! It was like stepping into ned city! Now do you see why I didn’t like it? It was filled with evil looking people wearing baseball caps, socks pulled over their trousers and hundreds of gold jewellery (sovereign rings, hoop earrings, name chains, the usual) and amongst them all was me in my baggy combats, bandana and Feeder T-shirt and a skull chain. I was the only mosher in the whole place! I won’t be going back there in a hurry. On the way home we went the wrong way and ended up in the most foul estate I have ever seen. All the flats were borders up with their roofs missing, many had been burned out and all where covered in graffiti. It reminded me of how I imagine Edgefield to look like in ‘World Against Me’. It would be a good location for filming as long as the cameras didn’t get nicked! Tina phoned to let me know she wasn’t ignoring me last night, her phone had just ran out of credit. I talked to her about my guitar playing and how I seem to be inclined to pick out the bass parts of the songs and she suggested we could start a band and she could play guitar and I could try bass. I’m all for it considering it’s been my dream since the age of about nine. She says Tom (Jack’s best friend and bassist in Jack’s band) will let me borrow his bass no problem. A band! I know we won’t actually get anywhere but hey, what fun I used to have in our band in Newcastle with Laura even though we were unbelievably crap. It’s just a hobby, some messing about, that’s all.

Saturday 10th March 2001- No Kids for Me

Still at Grandma’s. We took the dogs for a walk along the beach, it was the only place we could take them because everywhere else is closed because of Foot and Mouth. There was hundreds of people on the beach so they must have all had the same idea. Then we had chips from the fish shop on the scotch estate. In the afternoon we went to the Metro Centre to look around the shops. We were walking about for so long my legs were aching. I managed not to spend any money this week. I need to start saving again as there are loads of things I need to buy- an Offspring Hoodie, a new England shirt, a Feeder shirt, the list is endless. Maybe if I can get them few hours of work on a Monday and a Thursday at the Tryst where Mam works then I’ll have some money, then I can actually buy stuff without having to save for weeks.

The telly is going on in the background again and I can’t concentrate. Be quiet! Uncle Ken and Karen came round to Grandma’s for tea. Karen is pregnant and will be having the baby in June so all we had was baby talk all night. Names for the baby, clothes for the baby, prams for the baby. Can’t you tell I just love babies so much? I don’t. They do nothing but scream and puke and they are so annoying. I vow that I will never have kids, I would end up strangling them. I think I’m too selfish to put up with being woken up all night and having to cart s screaming brat with me everywhere I go. The thought is quite sickening. I just don’t want the usual getting married and having kids.

Thursday 8th March 2001- School Revolution

School. Good God I hope the place burns down. I’ve often thought how funny it would be to start a revolution from inside the school. If every last pupil agreed to get up and walk out at the same time the teachers could do nothing. What fun it would be! Ha Ha! Of course, it might not be such a wise idea to throw away your education. No, not so wise at all. The closest I will ever get to a school revolution is the new novel I am planning in which the kids all walk out of school only in the story they actually have a real reason to do so. Oh well, I suppose the world pf fiction is the best place to carry such mad cap ideas. Thank God for my ability to write. And on that subject, my new song ‘Automated Happiness’ is proving to boast a beautiful set of lyrics. I showed what I have so far to Tina, and I got the impression she liked it even more than ‘Angels in Strait Jackets’. She says I have gone all philosophical, maybe I have. She says my lyrics are very similar to the things Barry writes (he’s in Jack’s band) because all of his songs are philosophical too. My lyrics have certainly grown since I first started writing songs. They didn’t seem to have any meaning before. They do now. They are very persona;l and men a lot to me. ‘Automated happiness’ is about my feelings towards Jack and all that’s happened involving him. Tina says I have earned a place in her book of quotes and that’s not easy to do!

Tuesday March 6th 2001- Terrible Spelling

School again and I already wish it was the weekend. As usual I made a complete fool of myself in English, this time in both lessons. First one was with Mr. Williams and he had been marking our prelim papers. As you can probably gather from these pages my spelling is dreadful and apparently I had spelled character wrong all the way through my paper. He made me stand up in front of the class and spell it. And I couldn’t. Why did he have to make an example of me in front of the class? He had already pointed out the mistake on my actual paper, wasn’t that enough without humiliating me in front of everyone? He might as well have put me in the corner and stuck a big white dunce hat on me. Embarrassing me won’t solve a long running problem like this. There mist be something wrong with me at my age and I can’t even spell properly. Another daft thing I do is I still mix up b’s and d’s and I frequently miss letters out of words. My brain doesn’t function like a normal persons, it is broken, because I don’t think anyone else at my age does that. I can’t read out loud anymore either. I used to be able to, I was really good at it, but now when the teacher ask me to its as if my tongue is tied in knots and the words all spill out wrong and jumbled so it looks like I can’t even read properly. And I’m supposed to be a writer. A writer who can’t even spell, write the wrong letters and can’t even seem to speak properly. Great, superb, excellent, I’m sure I will be a great success. Not! Shit! The fire alarm went off in music today as well and we had to stand outside for ages on the red ash pitch which was a total wet mush so for he second time my trainers have been ruined because of a false alarm.

Monday 5th March 2001- A Nice Thought

Back to school. I detest it. This stupid foot and mouth disease thing is really getting out of hand. Zoos, theme parks and safari parks are all being closed, sporting events are being canceled. Ridiculous!

Jack is still plaguing my thoughts, though I didn’t seem him today. I feel desperate. Desperate for the truth. I just want to know, do I have a chance, or am I wishing on dead stars? (I will take a note of that last bit, it would make a great lyric). I wish I could see into the future. I wish I could read hi mind. I feel like a team of horses is dragging a plough through my soul. I hope some answers might grow there. I even thought about writing to that psychic in the Sunday paper. Yes I have gone mad simply from not knowing.  Oh Jack what can I do to make you love me? Should I wear floral skirts and Doc Marten boots and nice make up like Grace? Tell me please, could you ever find it in your heart to love a lonely Geordie girl lost in this world? Say you could. Say you could or I just might die. If you have to tell a lie so I can have something to believe. Hey, I bet one day I look back at this and have a dam good laugh at how pathetic I probably sound right now. Or perhaps I will get Jack one day and then I’ll show him this stuff and we will both have a dam good laugh together about how sad the mind of a teenage girl is when she can’t get what she wants. Yeah, why not, I wouldn’t be adverse to him reading this one day and sharing the memories of we were together. Now that’s a nice thought. But reality is cold and ruthless. If only I could shape my life as easily as I do the characters in my book.

Sunday 4th March 2001- Human Zoo

Some people were supposed to come and view the house today at 12 but they didn’t show up so we set out to go to Glasgow at about 12.30. We had to stop for some petrol on the way and when Mam went to pay for it she realised she had forgotten her purse! She did the same thing not long ago, got to the counter in Asda and realised she didn’t have any money to pay. Anyway, she had to fill in some forms and we had to go straight home so Mam could get her purse. By then it was about 12.45 and the people who were supposed to come at 12 appeared! Of course we couldn’t let them look around because we had to hurry back to he garage to pay for the petrol. They weren’t very pleased but it was their won dam fault for being 45 minutes late. Do they not realise we have other things to do other than hang around the house all day waiting for them? It’s getting really annoying, people expect you will govern your whole life around when they want to come and view the house. Sometimes you feel like you are in a human zoo, hundreds of people staring at you and inspecting the place you live, passing comments and making criticisms.

When we got to Glasgow I had to buy some blank tapes because Tina is going to copy the Feeder album for me. I need to get familiar with some of their older stuff before the gig so I can join in with that as well as the new stuff which I have been listening to lately. Today, instead of listening to the Pepsi chart show, I listened to the radio one charts because they are based entirely on record sales whereas the Pepsi chart is  also based on air play which I don’t think is fair. Still it was as rubbish as ever. I don’t know why I bother.