February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.

 

February 1st 2017- Thing to Look Forward tp o

School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.

Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!

January 24th 2001- Uniforms Are More Important That the People in Them

School has not improved. I really didn’t expect to to. Kelly read my song though and she was impressed. Tomorrow I will show Tina the final version and get her to pass it on to that boy, maybe I’ll even get to show her the melody too without the power failing. My stars for the week in ‘TV Quick’ said than any boundaries that have stopped me becoming a creative success will be broken. Not that I actually believe that stuff but it would be nice if it could be true. It’s rubbish of course. How can a load of planets and stars floating around millions of miles away in space govern what happens in our lives? It’s absurd. And if it were true then it would mean hundreds of other people who are also libra would also become creative success this week. We had better watch because an overload of creation is about to hit us.

I’ve just thought of something my brother told me a few days ago that I’ve been meaning to write down. I found it quite amusing. He told me that a friend of his at school drew a picture and it showed the school on fire. Coming out of there school doors was a line of sweatshirts, and the teachers were holding the pupils back telling them to wait inside until the school uniforms where all safely away from the fire. That’s one perceptive 11 year old. I think it’s a classic depiction that says the teachers think the uniforms are more important than the people in them. It’s so inspiring I’d love to use my artistic skills to produce something similar but on a larger scale. I’ve got this image in my head of a really surreal painting in dark, sombre colours with the lines of uniforms marching along while the children wait their turn to escape the fire. It’s the sort of thing lots of people could identify with, it could have a big impact. I found it amusing anyway given my twisted view on the education system.

January 21st 2001- Stuck in the House

We were supposed to be going to see Mam’s friend Sandra today but, as the forecast predicted, it was snowing heavily and Mam didn’t want to drive in it, not after what happened to us at Aberfolye in the Christmas holidays, so we had no choice but to stay in. Most of my day was spent upstairs on my keyboard trying to shape up the melody for ‘Angels in Straitjackets’. I also wrote some more great lyrics which I’m very proud of because they clearly express my feelings on the education systems neglect of creative arts.

Half way through the day I received a text message from Tina complaining about how she was bored because she was stuck in the house too so I tried to pursued her to come round and help me with the song, I could use her musical experience, but unfortunately she couldn’t so I had to struggle on alone. After that I kind of lapsed into another trance of longing despair, I’m sure you can guess who is responsible for that. I just kept thinking of way I could tell people how I feel, or ways I could strike a chord with him, because I think I could if I was brave enough. I do talk to him sometimes but I need to find a way to impress him, and I think I know how I might be able to do that: like Tina he is quite musically minded and I intend to impress him with my song writing abilities. I’m going to show him ‘Angles in Strait Jackets’. I’m positive he will like it. Thursday will probably be the best time to do it but if another opportunity arises before then I will take it. It’ll be a start, it might open up an avenue of communication between us if he realises I have a passion for the same kind of music he likes, it’ll show we have something in common. The question is, will I be brave enough to take the first step and show him the song? Why not? After all, it’s not as is I have anything to loose. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it, simple as that.

January 18th 2001- Who’s Doing the Dishes?

Yet another hellish day at school. Once again boredom was the main motif of the day but there was a large row at home, just when things were getting better (we got a cheque from Dad who lives in Ireland today) but something always has to spoil it. This time it was over the dishes. Me and Lynne and Michael complained because there was hundreds of dishes to be done. Now this could have easily been resolved, we could have just simply said we wouldn’t complain anymore and it would have ended there but Michael and Lynne wouldn’t have it and aggravated the situation by arguing with Mam and it escalated into an upsetting shouting match. Mam was really annoyed and upset. Michael was being really cheeky and nasty to her so he was sent to his room. It might all sound trivial but it didn’t seem that way at the time.

Anyway. I am still hoping I can get that lad I’ve never had a boyfriend before and all my friends have. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before either. I feel so bad and kind of lonely, I’ve been lusting after him for so long and it’s starting to make me feel quiet sick, that’s how bad it is, I truly am going crazy, it feels like my soul is being ripped apart, it’s total torture and I can’t take it anymore. This might sound completely mushy and stupid but I swear it’s the truth: he’s the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. In fact I think about him constantly all day, I feel like I’ve disappeared into some kind of trance, people say things to me and they don’t register, I can’t concentrate on anything anymore,I’m too fretful, that’s probably why my school work is suffering. He’s driving me insane, I feel as if I am not in this world anymore, I feel like I am living in a dream. I think about him when I am asleep too because I dream about him almost every night. Of course I’ve liked people before but never in this way. I feel as though I should do something about it but as I’ve told you before I’m too afraid to say anything to anyone so I’ll just have to bear this hell in silence.

January 10th 2001- I Never get the Guy

Nothing major happened today but a school day is a school day and a school day is a bad day. But I do have a problem, something I haven’t mentioned yet. There’s a kid in school and I can’t take my mind off him, I’ve had him in my head constantly for weeks now and it just makes me so depressed. I’m not going to give any details at all about him yet, not even a hint that might reveal his identity, because I don’t want to be humiliated. It’s always the same though. No one is ever in the slightest bit interested in me and I’ve made the mistake in the past of telling people when there’s someone I like and it always ends up the same: it gets back to the person in question and as they never like me the situation becomes really embarrassing. It’s happened to me twice so far and the weeks surrounding my revelations were hell, I have no intention of ever letting it happen again, even if he might like me, I won’t take the chance of rejection and embarrassment, so any feelings I have for this kid will be kept sealed in a bottle forever unless, by the remotest of possibilities, I hear for certain that he is interested in me. And why do I get so depressed when I think about him or see him? Because every time I do I can think of nothing but my own ugliness and inadequacy, about how no lad on planet earth will ever give me a second glance unless it’s to convince themselves that their first perception was right and that I really do look like a fat ugly monster. Yet I can’t chase his image away, there’s just something so compelling about him, and I’ve dreamed about him too, really strange things such as walking down a spiral staircase with him while searching for my friend Kelly. Wonder what that signifies? I’m lonely. I live in a house full of people but I am lonely. Why is life so unfair? Why do I never get the guy? I feel as if I might die if I can’t have him. I did a really stupid thing, something so out of character: as a last resort I prayed, I begged for him but nothing changed. I know I should just forget about it completely but it’s hard, I can’t stop thinking about him. Tragedy as always but I have no lyrics to fit this one.