School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?
Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.
Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.
oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!
School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.
You used to be my inspiration,
You didn’t judge me like the rest,
You saw me for the person I was,
Not for the way I dressed,
So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,
Gave your heart to a prettier face,
Your love to a better life,
Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,
Still you don’t see-
Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.
Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,
My face is a pantomime screen,
And my head is filled with litter,
Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,
Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.
You see me laugh,
Don’t hear me cry,
You see me smile,
Don’t hear me sigh,
I live on mechanical happiness,
Exterior is not interior,
From outside you can’t see,
The blackness that lives inside of me,
I live on mechanical happiness,
My smiles are run on reflex,
Take the time to look and see,
Mechanical happiness hides my misery.
School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.
Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!
School has not improved. I really didn’t expect to to. Kelly read my song though and she was impressed. Tomorrow I will show Tina the final version and get her to pass it on to that boy, maybe I’ll even get to show her the melody too without the power failing. My stars for the week in ‘TV Quick’ said than any boundaries that have stopped me becoming a creative success will be broken. Not that I actually believe that stuff but it would be nice if it could be true. It’s rubbish of course. How can a load of planets and stars floating around millions of miles away in space govern what happens in our lives? It’s absurd. And if it were true then it would mean hundreds of other people who are also libra would also become creative success this week. We had better watch because an overload of creation is about to hit us.
I’ve just thought of something my brother told me a few days ago that I’ve been meaning to write down. I found it quite amusing. He told me that a friend of his at school drew a picture and it showed the school on fire. Coming out of there school doors was a line of sweatshirts, and the teachers were holding the pupils back telling them to wait inside until the school uniforms where all safely away from the fire. That’s one perceptive 11 year old. I think it’s a classic depiction that says the teachers think the uniforms are more important than the people in them. It’s so inspiring I’d love to use my artistic skills to produce something similar but on a larger scale. I’ve got this image in my head of a really surreal painting in dark, sombre colours with the lines of uniforms marching along while the children wait their turn to escape the fire. It’s the sort of thing lots of people could identify with, it could have a big impact. I found it amusing anyway given my twisted view on the education system.
We were supposed to be going to see Mam’s friend Sandra today but, as the forecast predicted, it was snowing heavily and Mam didn’t want to drive in it, not after what happened to us at Aberfolye in the Christmas holidays, so we had no choice but to stay in. Most of my day was spent upstairs on my keyboard trying to shape up the melody for ‘Angels in Straitjackets’. I also wrote some more great lyrics which I’m very proud of because they clearly express my feelings on the education systems neglect of creative arts.
Half way through the day I received a text message from Tina complaining about how she was bored because she was stuck in the house too so I tried to pursued her to come round and help me with the song, I could use her musical experience, but unfortunately she couldn’t so I had to struggle on alone. After that I kind of lapsed into another trance of longing despair, I’m sure you can guess who is responsible for that. I just kept thinking of way I could tell people how I feel, or ways I could strike a chord with him, because I think I could if I was brave enough. I do talk to him sometimes but I need to find a way to impress him, and I think I know how I might be able to do that: like Tina he is quite musically minded and I intend to impress him with my song writing abilities. I’m going to show him ‘Angles in Strait Jackets’. I’m positive he will like it. Thursday will probably be the best time to do it but if another opportunity arises before then I will take it. It’ll be a start, it might open up an avenue of communication between us if he realises I have a passion for the same kind of music he likes, it’ll show we have something in common. The question is, will I be brave enough to take the first step and show him the song? Why not? After all, it’s not as is I have anything to loose. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it, simple as that.
Yet another hellish day at school. Once again boredom was the main motif of the day but there was a large row at home, just when things were getting better (we got a cheque from Dad who lives in Ireland today) but something always has to spoil it. This time it was over the dishes. Me and Lynne and Michael complained because there was hundreds of dishes to be done. Now this could have easily been resolved, we could have just simply said we wouldn’t complain anymore and it would have ended there but Michael and Lynne wouldn’t have it and aggravated the situation by arguing with Mam and it escalated into an upsetting shouting match. Mam was really annoyed and upset. Michael was being really cheeky and nasty to her so he was sent to his room. It might all sound trivial but it didn’t seem that way at the time.
Anyway. I am still hoping I can get that lad I’ve never had a boyfriend before and all my friends have. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before either. I feel so bad and kind of lonely, I’ve been lusting after him for so long and it’s starting to make me feel quiet sick, that’s how bad it is, I truly am going crazy, it feels like my soul is being ripped apart, it’s total torture and I can’t take it anymore. This might sound completely mushy and stupid but I swear it’s the truth: he’s the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. In fact I think about him constantly all day, I feel like I’ve disappeared into some kind of trance, people say things to me and they don’t register, I can’t concentrate on anything anymore,I’m too fretful, that’s probably why my school work is suffering. He’s driving me insane, I feel as if I am not in this world anymore, I feel like I am living in a dream. I think about him when I am asleep too because I dream about him almost every night. Of course I’ve liked people before but never in this way. I feel as though I should do something about it but as I’ve told you before I’m too afraid to say anything to anyone so I’ll just have to bear this hell in silence.