Monday 9th April 2001- By the End I was soaked in a mixture of beer and sweat and water

Should be sleeping now but my God I can’t! That was just awesome, mental, fantastic! The best experience of my life! I am of course talking about the Feeder gig. Wow, it was amazing! The atmosphere was roaring, what a place The Barrowlands is! I loved every minute of it, even being crushed! We were right at the front against the barriers and there was just so many other bodies squished against us. This was a lad behind me and he was standing with his arms on my shoulders thought the whole gig because I guess he didn’t have anywhere else to put them given we were all so tightly squashed in. It was amazing. All those sweat soaked people jumping up and down together screaming. There was loads of crowd surfers too which all added to the fun and it was so hot the security guards kept showering us with water to cool us down. By the end of the night of soaked with a mixture of beer and sweat and water. Feeder where amazing. The best part was when Taka (the bass player) got down from the stage at the end and leaned right into the crowd. I touched his face and grabbed his hand. I held Taka’s hand! Oh my God! That was the best night even and I want to do it all again! the sense of togetherness, all those people united and framed together so tight you can hardly breathe! I didn’t get home until one o’clock in the morning and I’m still hyper even now. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun in my life!

*for more on this night see my letter I wrote to my best friend in Newcastle about it.

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Tuesday 3rd April 2001- Words Can Damage the Soul

School. So what did you expect? I have to go to this prison every weekday don’t I? And oh God it’s only Tuesday! How slowly the days go by, I had my usual Tuesday afternoon shit from those bastards at school shouting abuse through the wall at me and following me while I left class. How long will this go on for? Don’t know if I can take it much longer. What right do they have to make me feel this way? It’s getting beyond a joke. I can’t walk down the corridor now without constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure they aren’t coming my way, I feel like I am on a knife edge waiting for the next round of abuse to be thrown at me. They say words can’t hurt you and maybe they can’t physically but there is a different kind of pain that is just as real- pain inside. Words can damage the soul as badly as a blow can damage the body and each insult they toss my ay cuts my soul like a razor blade and they have torn my soul to tatters, how long before the destroy it completely? And it’s entirely unjustified, I can’t help the way I talk, it doesn’t harm them in any way so why do they insist on harming me? It might sound utopian but why can’t I live in a world where everyone respects everyone else? It’s not hard. I find it so easy to respect other people for who they are and what they do, yet some people seem to have great trouble with this. If there is a god why would he allow people like them to be born? He obviously doesn’t exist because he wouldn’t let such awful things happen. Oh what a state I’m in!

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.

12th February 2001- Our Dog Takes Drugs

Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.

Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.

oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!

February 10th 2001- Static Caravans

Weekend. Thank God! Last night, Fergie, my guinea pig, wasn’t well at all. He lost so much weight in just one day, his sides were all sunken in and he just looked horrible, I really thought he was going to die but he looks better today.

Today we went to the SECC to the great outdoors exhibition. There was millions of camper vans, static caravans and touring caravans. The static caravans where nicer than our house, I wouldn’t mind living in one if I was by myself. The camper vans where good too, It would be nice and comfortable to travel in one, far more so than travelling in a car. The things you could do if you had money! And they say money doesn’t buy you happiness, that’s one of those senseless sayings along the same lines as “school days are the best days of your life”. Of course money brings happiness. If you look at the problems people have most of them could be traced back to money, or lack there of. I mean, think how much better life could be if you had loads of money- nice house, nice car, nice clothes, holidays abroad, trips away. If that didn’t make you happy what would? So we didn’t get a nice new caravan or camper wagon but each of us got a new fleece because they had been reduced from £20 to £10, so at least we didn’t come away empty handed.

We saw June and Lorrie, our next-door neighbours at the SECC. There was this old lady when we were looking at one of the static caravans and she was saying “Oh for goodness sake!” at us because she was too fat to get past us. We also saw the fudge seller from Inverness fudge, the one that Grandma had an argument with last year about the price of the fudge. God was that a year ago? It doesn’t seem like it. Time is moving far too quickly for my liking! The years really do seem to fly by and it terrifies me, before I know it I will be an old granny. I don’t want to think about that now, I’ll only get upset like I always do when I think about my own mortality.

February 6th 2001- No Tears in the Writer, no Tears in the Reader

School. It had been snowing again through the night so it was really deep. The bus didn’t get to school until just before the bell because there was traffic jams going all the way past Westerwood and the Wilderness Brae wasn’t moving very fast either. It rained a lot later so the snow all turned to slush.

I had to tell Tina that I can’t go to the Feeder gig, she is still going, I wish I was too. Some of my teachers where off because of the snow, both Mr Belkevitz and Mr Ward. Kelly forgot to bring my tapes in today but she said she would bring them tomorrow, I hope she does because I have double graphic communication and I want some new music to listen to rather than the same old stuff. In my free period I started writing some more of ‘World Against Me’. I mentioned that I was going through a bit of a rough patch but I’ve managed to get it going again. I often think writing can be like pushing a bolder- some times it all rolls along easily for a while and then it’ll get stuck on something and it takes time to get it rolling smoothly again, it never rolls freely all the way to it’s destination. I was plotting out some rough scenes for some quit emotional part of the book such as Travis’s reflection on his time in Throngate and Lee’s pleas for help. I often get quite emotional writing, close to tears sometimes. I once read somewhere “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader”. Hopefully parts of my book will provoke some strong emotion in the readers. This could be something to work on whilst redrafting the novel as some parts of it, I don’t think, are strong enough to create the kind of reaction I am looking for in it’s current state. I want to make people feel sympathy and understanding towards Travis even though he is a vampire, a killer. That’s why I need to bring the conditions he lives in in Edgefield to life. I think it’s possible. I have certainly fallen in love with him even though he’s a murderer. I couldn’t help it.