Today we went to the forge shopping centre in the park head area of Glasgow. It was a nasty place and I didn’t like it one bit! Why? I’ll tell you why! It was like stepping into ned city! Now do you see why I didn’t like it? It was filled with evil looking people wearing baseball caps, socks pulled over their trousers and hundreds of gold jewellery (sovereign rings, hoop earrings, name chains, the usual) and amongst them all was me in my baggy combats, bandana and Feeder T-shirt and a skull chain. I was the only mosher in the whole place! I won’t be going back there in a hurry. On the way home we went the wrong way and ended up in the most foul estate I have ever seen. All the flats were borders up with their roofs missing, many had been burned out and all where covered in graffiti. It reminded me of how I imagine Edgefield to look like in ‘World Against Me’. It would be a good location for filming as long as the cameras didn’t get nicked! Tina phoned to let me know she wasn’t ignoring me last night, her phone had just ran out of credit. I talked to her about my guitar playing and how I seem to be inclined to pick out the bass parts of the songs and she suggested we could start a band and she could play guitar and I could try bass. I’m all for it considering it’s been my dream since the age of about nine. She says Tom (Jack’s best friend and bassist in Jack’s band) will let me borrow his bass no problem. A band! I know we won’t actually get anywhere but hey, what fun I used to have in our band in Newcastle with Laura even though we were unbelievably crap. It’s just a hobby, some messing about, that’s all.
School again and I already wish it was the weekend. As usual I made a complete fool of myself in English, this time in both lessons. First one was with Mr. Williams and he had been marking our prelim papers. As you can probably gather from these pages my spelling is dreadful and apparently I had spelled character wrong all the way through my paper. He made me stand up in front of the class and spell it. And I couldn’t. Why did he have to make an example of me in front of the class? He had already pointed out the mistake on my actual paper, wasn’t that enough without humiliating me in front of everyone? He might as well have put me in the corner and stuck a big white dunce hat on me. Embarrassing me won’t solve a long running problem like this. There mist be something wrong with me at my age and I can’t even spell properly. Another daft thing I do is I still mix up b’s and d’s and I frequently miss letters out of words. My brain doesn’t function like a normal persons, it is broken, because I don’t think anyone else at my age does that. I can’t read out loud anymore either. I used to be able to, I was really good at it, but now when the teacher ask me to its as if my tongue is tied in knots and the words all spill out wrong and jumbled so it looks like I can’t even read properly. And I’m supposed to be a writer. A writer who can’t even spell, write the wrong letters and can’t even seem to speak properly. Great, superb, excellent, I’m sure I will be a great success. Not! Shit! The fire alarm went off in music today as well and we had to stand outside for ages on the red ash pitch which was a total wet mush so for he second time my trainers have been ruined because of a false alarm.
Some people were supposed to come and view the house today at 12 but they didn’t show up so we set out to go to Glasgow at about 12.30. We had to stop for some petrol on the way and when Mam went to pay for it she realised she had forgotten her purse! She did the same thing not long ago, got to the counter in Asda and realised she didn’t have any money to pay. Anyway, she had to fill in some forms and we had to go straight home so Mam could get her purse. By then it was about 12.45 and the people who were supposed to come at 12 appeared! Of course we couldn’t let them look around because we had to hurry back to he garage to pay for the petrol. They weren’t very pleased but it was their won dam fault for being 45 minutes late. Do they not realise we have other things to do other than hang around the house all day waiting for them? It’s getting really annoying, people expect you will govern your whole life around when they want to come and view the house. Sometimes you feel like you are in a human zoo, hundreds of people staring at you and inspecting the place you live, passing comments and making criticisms.
When we got to Glasgow I had to buy some blank tapes because Tina is going to copy the Feeder album for me. I need to get familiar with some of their older stuff before the gig so I can join in with that as well as the new stuff which I have been listening to lately. Today, instead of listening to the Pepsi chart show, I listened to the radio one charts because they are based entirely on record sales whereas the Pepsi chart is also based on air play which I don’t think is fair. Still it was as rubbish as ever. I don’t know why I bother.
School again today. I was talking to Jack again in music. I had my hair down instead of tied back today and he came in saying “Happy New Hair Cut!” I told him I hadn’t had my hair cut so he started shouting “Happy new hair band!” because I had a new hair band. I managed to uphold cute a good conversation with him before the teacher came in and dragged him away to do some guitar recording. He was telling me how he doesn’t other to get dressed up smart for photos and could never picture himself in a suit and will even get married in casual clothes. I couldn’t see him in a suit either, he’s perfect the way he is. I talked to him about his band too and he said I have to come to all of his concerts when he is famous. I told him about my band I had in Newcastle before we moved here too and I found out he has relatives there and visited three times a year. I could have went on talking to him for longer if the teacher hadn’t disturbed us. Who was I kidding yesterday? Love doesn’t die that easily! It’s clear that is every conversation we have means so much to me I must, and do, want his for more than a friend. The feelings are back with vengeance, just listening to him talk is almost enough to drive me insane and looking at him is torture. I could still win him over. I really could. I love him. Unlike with other people I have liked in the past I feel very comfortable around him, I can actually talk to him, and I know, just know, that he isn’t judging me the way other people do. In fact that’s true of most moshers in general, that’s why I like them. You are allowed to be whoever you want and they never say you aren’t cool because you allowed to just be yourself!
Its the weekend but studying can’t be put on hold. Though we did go into Stirling and I could not uphold my money saving any longer. I only intended to buy some new nose rings (all gold without stones because I always loose the stones) but then I saw this cool lamp thing with a long flexible neck for wrapping around things and I had to have it to twine around my headboard for handy post-lights out reading . Then I saw something I’ve been looking for for a while which is a clear case for my mobile phone which is actually the right size for that model and I couldn’t not buy it. Some people comfort eat when things aren’t going to well but I comfort Shop. Buying things, even just small things, always makes me happy. I should be careful, I’m always owing Mam money, when I get a job I’ll probably end up in debt because no matter how hard I try, if I see something I want I have to have it (especially beanie babies, they are my weakness). I just can’t resist temptation. Oh well.
We had quite an interesting family discussion late tonight about nothing in particular but a few interesting things emerged from it. One was that Mam thinks is a boy wants to wear nail varnish he should be able too because saying he can’t is stereotyping. The significance of this? Well, most mosher boys wear nail varnish and what she is saying is that people should be allowed to look how they want, so I can be a mosher if I want, I think she’s starting to accept that people are all different. So I don’t think she’ll accuse me of being weird anymore. Secondly, she said she’d have no objection to me going to the pub with my friends so long as I didn’t get drunk. She was acting more liberal than I could have imagined.
Well, after the trauma of yesterday I have a day off to gather my emotions and figure out how I’m going to tell Mam I’ve failed English when the time comes. I suppose I have an advantage over some people who might be convinced they’ve done well and then find out they haven’t. At least I have time to prepare how to break the news to people around me and it won’t come as such a shock. It will be very embarrassing though and that’s what I’m dreading most. I can predict that I will burn up with shame when the teacher breaks the news to me and then again when I have to tell Mam. Mr Ward won’t be too happy either. Since I joined this school he has been suffering from the illusion that I am very clever and now he’s about to discover the truth. He’ll never say I’m clever again, I feel like I’ve let everyone down,Mam, Mr Ward, everyone but myself. No I haven’t let myself down, because I know there is no way I could have done any better, nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, I gave it my all, I gave it and my revision one hundred percent but on the day it wasn’t enough, and that’s what makes it so painful- if I hadn’t tried my best I could say ‘oh well I’ll just have to work harder for the final exams in june’. I could take comfort in the fact that I’m capable of doing better. But I can’t. Come June the outcome will be that same, just more conformation of how thick I am. I could beat myself up over this but what’s the point when I haven’t actually done anything wrong? I was born stupid and I can’t punish myself for something that I was born with. I think it’s time I looked for a job so I can leave school. Let’s face it, the pace of sixth form is too much for someone as slow as me to keep,up with, I’m struggling to hold onto what little dignity I had, I’m not clever enough. What a nightmare.
My English paper was today and this proved to be the hurdle that I was to fall at. I now feel terrified and devastated. I am a compete muck up and showing just how thick I am. The first part was a poem and it made absolutely no sense to me. I read it and reread it over and over until I had read it about 20 times in total and it still made absolutely no sense. And as for the questions on it, well, they made even less sense. The second part was prose, some extracts from a novel, and yes, they made sense, novels aren’t obscure the way poems are , but the questions where obscure and seemed to have absolotley no connection at all to anything in the text. I have never felt so bad during an exam in my whole life. I feel like a complete failure, I’m useless, I wish I was dead, I’m no use to anyone. I’m too stupid. What the hell am I going to tell Mam when I get my results and find out I’ve failed? I just wanted to get up, walk out of the room, go somewhere queit and cry. I don’t think I can bare sitting there in front of the clever people whilst Mr Ward tells me I have failed. I can almost feel the embarrassment from here. I’m dreading it. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and leave all the shit behind and forget the last five years of my life even happened. I would do it too if I had somewhere to go and someone to stay with.
Tina can’t go to see Feeder anymore because she had to buy a new guitar amplifier so now I have no one to go with. I’ll have to try and convince Kelly to go with me. But what about my exam? What am I going to do? I really wish I wasn’t so stupid. Tina gave me a magazine today that she picked up at the my vitriol concert. She got it for me because it had a feature about Ash in it and lots of other cool stuff. Ash are excellent and Mam can’t say anything about them because unlike some of the bands I listen too they aren’t in the least but weird.