Thursday 22nd March 2001- Dictatorship

What a day! School has taken a massive leap in the direction of operating like a dictator state! Me, and all the moshers, are absolutely raging at todays events: The revelation of  a cruel and oppressive system put together by that devious dragon, Mrs McCulloch. I still can’t believe what she did. She rounded up all us moshers and gathered us into the exam hall to deliver her shocking and prejudice ultimatum. Moshers must change and fir in with the majority. If a mosher comes to a teacher for help because they are being bullied no help will be given on the grounds that it is their own fault. Moshers cannot stand around in groups of more than five people. These are her new rules and I am absolutely livid. What right does she have? If she is going to round people up like cattle then she should do it to the neds too. It’s the neds who are the trouble makers, hanging around street corners and drinking and doing drugs, fighting and bullying people yet she does nothing to them. Moshers always behave and mind their own business and usually do well in class. Moshers are the victims but she is basically saying we bring it on our selves because we go out of our way to be different. You should be allowed to be different! There’s rebellion in the air now and a peaceful protest is needed. We don’t plan to change for her.What can she do about it? There are so many moshers now and we won’t back down. She should be pulling up the neds if anyone, but no, they are allowed to saunter freely around the pace with their burberry caps and tones of gold jewellery, tracksuits with socks pulled up over the trousers, bullying everyone. We are the victims. Can’t she see that? We are then good side. WE are the thinker, the peaceful ones who are victimised simply because of the music we listen to and the clothes we wear. Beat up and laughed at. Yet we don’t deserve help from the school when we are picked on just for living our life.

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Friday 16th March 2001- Red Nose Day

Today was red nose so we had a noon uniform day to raise money. Pretty pointless when no one really wheres the uniform anyway. I wore my dragon top and my favourite piece of headwear: My blue bandana. That bandana has been a god send. I wear it whenever I get the chance because it hides my horrible hair. I hate my hair but I really like my bandana worn with my hair in bunches. Mr Ward had red nail varnish on his nose which looked very silly. One of the boys had on kilt with a plastic bum stuck to the back of it while another had on a dress.The hated dragon woman, Mrs O’donnovan, appeared to be wearing her pyjamas. Oh well, quite a comic day at school and a bit less of a bore. Then it was off to work again straight from school and this time there was no mam to help only a girl called Linda who was quite new herself. Oh what a nightmare! I hate it so much! I got moaned at by this woman because I was too slow. What the hell did she expect, I told her I was just new and only learning, can’t people have a little more understanding?  Honestly, it’s not fair! Mam came in at 9pm to help with the cash up because me and Linda can’t do it yet and there was a huge panic. My till seemed to be short by £19. There was huge panic over where the £19 had gone but it turned out Linda had counted the money wrong and it was actually there. What a relief! John, the duty officer, was tormenting me all night. He kept pulling my bunches and throwing squash balls at me. I hate work. I’m worn out. I’m so tired. Think of the money, try to think of the money!

Wednesday 14th March 2001- A New Job

Well, it looks like I could have a job! The Tryst Sports Centre phoned and asked if I could go in for training tomorrow and then work a shift on Friday. Well I wasn’t going to say no, was I? Not when I’m so desperate for cash and those two nights will earn we £70. Mam will take some money off that of course for my upkeep but I should still be left with plenty. Yay! Spend spend spend! Clothes to redefine my image! Oh Yeah! However, despite these appealing implications I still have some doubts (though I won;t let them stop me from earning some much needed cash). Firstly, it’s the hours. Tomorrow and Friday I will have to go in straight from school and won’t get home until 10.30pm. I won’t even have time to think! Constant work from 9am until 10pm. Now what’s better? Time or money? Money of course! Still, doesn’t stop me from being absolutely terrified of going in tomorrow. How the hell will I handle it? I can’t answer that until tomorrow I guess so we will see how it goes… Try to think of all the clothes and CDs I can buy.

I’ve been obsessed with Greendays album ‘waring’ recently. I’ve been playing it over and over. Greenday have such a unique quality about them. This album I would also class as parent friendly meaning I can listen to it when Mam is about as it doesn’t have much bad language. “minority” is the only track  that really has any bad language so I’m not stuck listening to it though headphones.

Tuesday 13th March 2001- Three Useless Kids

School. It was boring as usual. Mr Ward was making up reports for English and he was moaning at me again for not speaking up enough in class, he says it’s not fair on the other two girls as they have to answer all the questions. How is it not fair?  The other two are intelligent and articulate, they give brilliant, calculated, well presented answers even time and you can tell they love showing off their extensive knowledge and wit, so how is it unfair on them if I’m unable to answer a question and it gets passed to them? He said that he thinks I know the answers really, but actually I don’t answer but I genuinely don’t know! He seems to think I’m just pretending I don’t know, why would I do that? What would be the point? If I knew then I would say without hesitation so I could avoid looking dumb. The truth is, I can’t come up with answers off the top of my head, maybe if I had time to think about the question I could come up with something, but my brain is not quick enough to think fast like that. I’m the one who is being given a bad deal not the other two.Oh well.

Mam was going mental tonight, she was in a right foul mood. Firstly because Lynne forgot to get her sweatshirt in off the line and put it on the radiator to dry. It isn’t exactly a major catastrophe but the way Mam goes on you’d think out was. Then I forgot to lock the door when I came in. She went mad at that too. She thinks we are useless. Maybe she is right. Yeah she is, we are useless, all three of us, just a burden on her. She can do without thick, useless kids who can’t even be trusted to bring the washing in or lock the door. Yep I’m useless. No good to anyone.

Tuesday March 6th 2001- Terrible Spelling

School again and I already wish it was the weekend. As usual I made a complete fool of myself in English, this time in both lessons. First one was with Mr. Williams and he had been marking our prelim papers. As you can probably gather from these pages my spelling is dreadful and apparently I had spelled character wrong all the way through my paper. He made me stand up in front of the class and spell it. And I couldn’t. Why did he have to make an example of me in front of the class? He had already pointed out the mistake on my actual paper, wasn’t that enough without humiliating me in front of everyone? He might as well have put me in the corner and stuck a big white dunce hat on me. Embarrassing me won’t solve a long running problem like this. There mist be something wrong with me at my age and I can’t even spell properly. Another daft thing I do is I still mix up b’s and d’s and I frequently miss letters out of words. My brain doesn’t function like a normal persons, it is broken, because I don’t think anyone else at my age does that. I can’t read out loud anymore either. I used to be able to, I was really good at it, but now when the teacher ask me to its as if my tongue is tied in knots and the words all spill out wrong and jumbled so it looks like I can’t even read properly. And I’m supposed to be a writer. A writer who can’t even spell, write the wrong letters and can’t even seem to speak properly. Great, superb, excellent, I’m sure I will be a great success. Not! Shit! The fire alarm went off in music today as well and we had to stand outside for ages on the red ash pitch which was a total wet mush so for he second time my trainers have been ruined because of a false alarm.

Monday 5th March 2001- A Nice Thought

Back to school. I detest it. This stupid foot and mouth disease thing is really getting out of hand. Zoos, theme parks and safari parks are all being closed, sporting events are being canceled. Ridiculous!

Jack is still plaguing my thoughts, though I didn’t seem him today. I feel desperate. Desperate for the truth. I just want to know, do I have a chance, or am I wishing on dead stars? (I will take a note of that last bit, it would make a great lyric). I wish I could see into the future. I wish I could read hi mind. I feel like a team of horses is dragging a plough through my soul. I hope some answers might grow there. I even thought about writing to that psychic in the Sunday paper. Yes I have gone mad simply from not knowing.  Oh Jack what can I do to make you love me? Should I wear floral skirts and Doc Marten boots and nice make up like Grace? Tell me please, could you ever find it in your heart to love a lonely Geordie girl lost in this world? Say you could. Say you could or I just might die. If you have to tell a lie so I can have something to believe. Hey, I bet one day I look back at this and have a dam good laugh at how pathetic I probably sound right now. Or perhaps I will get Jack one day and then I’ll show him this stuff and we will both have a dam good laugh together about how sad the mind of a teenage girl is when she can’t get what she wants. Yeah, why not, I wouldn’t be adverse to him reading this one day and sharing the memories of we were together. Now that’s a nice thought. But reality is cold and ruthless. If only I could shape my life as easily as I do the characters in my book.

Sunday 4th March 2001- Human Zoo

Some people were supposed to come and view the house today at 12 but they didn’t show up so we set out to go to Glasgow at about 12.30. We had to stop for some petrol on the way and when Mam went to pay for it she realised she had forgotten her purse! She did the same thing not long ago, got to the counter in Asda and realised she didn’t have any money to pay. Anyway, she had to fill in some forms and we had to go straight home so Mam could get her purse. By then it was about 12.45 and the people who were supposed to come at 12 appeared! Of course we couldn’t let them look around because we had to hurry back to he garage to pay for the petrol. They weren’t very pleased but it was their won dam fault for being 45 minutes late. Do they not realise we have other things to do other than hang around the house all day waiting for them? It’s getting really annoying, people expect you will govern your whole life around when they want to come and view the house. Sometimes you feel like you are in a human zoo, hundreds of people staring at you and inspecting the place you live, passing comments and making criticisms.

When we got to Glasgow I had to buy some blank tapes because Tina is going to copy the Feeder album for me. I need to get familiar with some of their older stuff before the gig so I can join in with that as well as the new stuff which I have been listening to lately. Today, instead of listening to the Pepsi chart show, I listened to the radio one charts because they are based entirely on record sales whereas the Pepsi chart is  also based on air play which I don’t think is fair. Still it was as rubbish as ever. I don’t know why I bother.