February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.

 

February 8th 2001- Chilling

School again. Tonight I was suppose to be going to Spinfit again but I really didn’t want to go. I got a message from Tina asking if I wanted to go round to hers so I did that instead, I’d much rather go there than spinfit. I was the first to get to her house and while we were waiting for the others to arrive we were talking about songwriting. Tina plays the guitar and sings and wants to be in a band but she wants some original material to perform as she doesn’t have any so I said she could use my songs and she seemed really keen. I believe if she can get a drummer and maybe a bass player she could do my songs justice and she says I will get all the credit for then songs, I’d sort of be like a member of the band who doesn’t perform. I’ll be useful to them, it’s what I’ve been looking for. It would be great to see someone perform one of my songs on stage in front of hundreds of people, it would the closes I’d get to actually being in a band but it would probably still be really satisfying. I’d really love to give my songs to her so we have to get together some other time and work out the guitar parts for my songs. Kelly and Jack came round later and Jack brought loads of magazines and CDs so we were just reading the magazines and listening to music. Jack was frightened to come to Tina’s on the bus by himself so Kelly had to go with him. I think it is because he is a mosher and Tina lives in The Village. You see, The Village is filled with neds and they hang around the streets in the evenings, it’s not good for a mosher if they have to walk past gangs of neds, especially if you are on your own, so I don’t blame him for being frightened. I wouldn’t walk through the village on my own. I had a good time anyway, it seems like a long time since I went round to someones house just to ‘chill’ as Tina calls it. It feels like I have been stuck in this house night after night with nobody my own age to talk to, my social life has been dead for so long and I really want it to pick up again, I want to spend more time with my friends. I think I should invite them all round here, dispel the illusions Mam has of them all being freaks.

February 7th 2001- It Won’t Rain All the Time

School, as usual. Kelly remembered to bring my tapes in today. She copied The Crow soundtrack, Offspring’s Americana, Green Day’s Dookie and she also added a few songs to fill up the space left such as Stereophonics and Placebo. I went up to the art room in my free periods and listened to them all while I worked. I love them! The Crow soundtrack is excellent, it’s so strong and powerful and listening to it brings back images of Brandon Lee in that bleak backdrop of a smoky, dark city while the shimmering shape of the black bird glides above him. It’s art, sheer, beautifully rendered art and it’s so inspiring. That film has some of the kind of atmosphere I hope to capture in “World Against Me” and as the soundtrack captures that atmosphere beautifully I think listening to it while I work will allow me to transfer some of that darken, that unique feeling of societies black side, into my own work. And as for the song ‘It Won’t Rain All the Time’, I just love it. It’s so sad and moving. A master piece. ‘Americana’ is great too, tracks that seem to reflect real life but are humorous in the way they talk about things as appose to some of the more depressing portrayals of the truth given by other bands I like to listen to. Where I fell in love with those two albums immediately ‘Dookie’ is the kind I might have to let grow on me, an acquired taste, but after a couple of listens I started to like that too. I won’t let Mam hear them though because they have the odd swear word in them and she will only say I am weird for listening to them. It’s silly really, in the way that some kids hide things like dirty magazines from their patents I feel I have to hide my music which really is completely inoffensive but might fuel Mam’s argument that I am weird. I liked the Placebo stuff that Kelly put on too though some of it is a little depressing. Stereophonic’s “Local Boy in a Photograph” was good too. Overall I am happy as I’ve got more music to listen to so If I get bored in graphic communication I won’t have to listen to stupid dance music.

February 6th 2001- No Tears in the Writer, no Tears in the Reader

School. It had been snowing again through the night so it was really deep. The bus didn’t get to school until just before the bell because there was traffic jams going all the way past Westerwood and the Wilderness Brae wasn’t moving very fast either. It rained a lot later so the snow all turned to slush.

I had to tell Tina that I can’t go to the Feeder gig, she is still going, I wish I was too. Some of my teachers where off because of the snow, both Mr Belkevitz and Mr Ward. Kelly forgot to bring my tapes in today but she said she would bring them tomorrow, I hope she does because I have double graphic communication and I want some new music to listen to rather than the same old stuff. In my free period I started writing some more of ‘World Against Me’. I mentioned that I was going through a bit of a rough patch but I’ve managed to get it going again. I often think writing can be like pushing a bolder- some times it all rolls along easily for a while and then it’ll get stuck on something and it takes time to get it rolling smoothly again, it never rolls freely all the way to it’s destination. I was plotting out some rough scenes for some quit emotional part of the book such as Travis’s reflection on his time in Throngate and Lee’s pleas for help. I often get quite emotional writing, close to tears sometimes. I once read somewhere “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader”. Hopefully parts of my book will provoke some strong emotion in the readers. This could be something to work on whilst redrafting the novel as some parts of it, I don’t think, are strong enough to create the kind of reaction I am looking for in it’s current state. I want to make people feel sympathy and understanding towards Travis even though he is a vampire, a killer. That’s why I need to bring the conditions he lives in in Edgefield to life. I think it’s possible. I have certainly fallen in love with him even though he’s a murderer. I couldn’t help it.

February 5th 2001- Snow Day

It has been snowing heavily all night and it was still going when we got up this morning, it’s deeper than it’s been all year. We didn’t go to school because a man told us there would be no teachers there as they couldn’t get in because of the snow. Thank you snow for extending the weekend and and allowing me to miss English with Mrs O’Donnavan this week, that is a blessing.

Once again Grandma was worrying about the snow- worrying it would stop the trains from running, worrying about Mam driving the car in it. She kept asking us to put the teletext on every two minutes so she could check up on the trains even though every time we did it just said exactly the same thing over and over. When she was making her sandwiches to take on the train we had some turkey slices of her to put in them. She was complaining that they smelled funny when they actually smelled perfectly normal. As she was making them she was saying, “Eee this stuff absolutely hums, I’ll have to put tomato sauce on to cover up the taste.” If we went round to her house and started complaining about the food the way she was she wouldn’t be too happy so why does she think she can do this to us? See, it’s that old lady thing again. She eventually left to go home and she hasn’t reappeared so I’m assuming the trains where running ok. I don’t know why she even bothers coming since she obviously doesn’t enjoy it, she moans about practically everything. She keeps trying to force us to move back to Newcastle as well even though none of us really want to. She keeps saying that me and Lynne and Michael should live at home forever and never have our own houses even when we have jobs, she even thinks that me and Lynne should put all our money together when we are working and share it. I don’t know where she gets these daft ideas from, how many people share their money with their siblings and stay at home forever?

I wrote some more of my book today but I’m stuck in a bit of a rough patch. It happens from time to time and usually doesn’t take long to get moving again.

February 4th 2001- Old Folk

More people came to look around the house today, two lots this time and they both moaned about there being no fitted wardrobes. It was snowing all day so Grandma was panicking because she was convinced that we were going to get snowed in even though the snow is hardly very deep. Does she think we live in the middle of nowhere in the dark ages? She really thinks that it will be so bad that we won’t have enough food and we will starve. It really gets on my nerves when she goes on like this, she’s completely obsessed with getting snowed in she was acting like this at Christmas as well. All you get, all day long is “Eee, will I be able to get home alright?” Even if she couldn’t get home what’s the problem? She can just stay here. It should be us who are worrying cos we would have to put up with her for an extra few days. She was moaning about the music charts swell. She was saying “It’s just a load of noise, I don’t know how you can put up with it.” If we went on like that about her beloved Daniel O’Donnell music she would go mad, in fact she did one Christmas when me and Lynne and Michael where laughing at his suit in a video she was watching. In typical old ladies fashion she thinks she can say anything she likes to us but we can’t say anything back to her, you must go like that when you get old because all old people seem to be like that. I hope I don’t end up like that.

I was looking through all of the writing I have done over the last year and half and there is quite a lot of stuff. When I look at it all and think of the hours and effort I’ve put into it I know I have to push and push until I make it as a writer, I can’t let all of this work be a waste of time, it can’t all be for nothing and I’m sure in the end it won’t be.

February 3rd 2001- Human Zoo

Today I spent most of the morning lying in bed with a hot water bottle in agony as ravaging cramps so severe even pain killer couldn’t touch them tore through my uterus. Some stupid people came to view the house. It gets on my nerves- they invade your home like a plague and stare at you as if it is some kind of human zoo. It’s getting ridiculous as none of them seem even interested in buying it, they’re just being nosey. There has been millions of them coming recently, all swarming in droves so they can critiszie the house: “You can smell the dogs”, “It doesn’t have fitted wardrobes”, “It’s too small”, “It’s in the entrance of the estate”, “We’ve seen much better”, “It’s too expensive”…those are just some of the pathetic excuses given for not buying it. I really do hate it, having your house invaded by strangers everyday, I wish they would just get lost.

We went into Glasgow and looked round the St Enoch Centre. I managed to get through a shipping trip for the forth time without spending any money. I usually spend money the second I get it. Grandma was getting on my nerves again because she can’t accept the fact that we live here now and we aren’t moving back to Newcastle.