More shit, you know the kind. I was carrying Tom’s bass around school today so I told those bullies I would hit them with it if they didn’t shut up. It seemed to work, they backed down a bit. Of course I wouldn’t do that really, it would cause them too much damage and more importantly I wouldn’t want to break tom’s beautiful bass. But the threat seemed to deter them, maybe I’ve found a way to make them get lost.
Anyway, today was a day of rehearsing like mad for an audition we have tomorrow and getting in a total state over it. We were using the school amps but it wasn’t looking good, we hadn’t rehearsed enough, and I only started playing bass on Tuesday. But I have mastered the verse and the twangy chorus bits which is amazing given how little time we’ve had. I was doubtful as to whether this whole thing would work but Tina phoned me tonight and made me believe we could conquer the world if we wanted to. She said we should just go for it tomorrow and see how it goes. She said I had done amazing and had great potential. We agreed that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we weren’t chosen to perform because as long as we do well then we have proved to ourselves we can play together and that will be enough. She was full of positivity and she’s passed that on to me. By the end of the call we were both like ‘yes we can do this, we are the best, we will show them just how good we can be.’
I had a seven hour shift at the Tryst after school which meant we couldn’t rehearse tonight but I’m confident we will do ourselves proud. We will succeed! I know we will1
Oh how wonderful this is! I am currently in possession of a beautiful bass guitar, I am looking at it right now and I love it. It’s not mine though, it’s Tom’s, he’s let me borrow it for as long as I need it. He’s so nice, I love him, this is so exciting. Today was the first get together of Left of Deviant so I must document it so we can remember the starting point if we ever make it. Well there was only me and Tina, we went to borrow Tom’s bass and he also loaned us a bass amp. Tina brought her electric guitar and Jack’s amp. What fun we had trying to get that bass amp up to my room, it was so heavy and a struggle. We just messed around and Tina showed me how to read bass tab. We didn’t get too far with the actual music but she is photocopying some of Bush’s songs for me to learn. We looked over my lyrics I had been scrawling during the holidays. Then we had s bit of a laughing fit because one of the songs I wrote starts with the line ‘nobody has mental balance, you have least of all’. I’m not sure why it seemed so funny but we laughed and laughed especially at the thought of it being the first song on the album and that being the very first line. Oh well. My room was filled with guitar stuff and amongst it was the two dogs wafting their tails about. When Tina had to go we discovered getting the bass amp down the stairs was even harder than getting it up. We struggled down with it, almost crippling ourselves, and eventually got it out to the car. Oh how I need to properly learn bass and get one of my own. It’s so cool! I’ve fallen in love with the bass in the corner of my room! I don’t want to have to give it up when Tom comes back for it (though it does have a sticker on it which says ‘don’t be a dick’).
Today we went to the forge shopping centre in the park head area of Glasgow. It was a nasty place and I didn’t like it one bit! Why? I’ll tell you why! It was like stepping into ned city! Now do you see why I didn’t like it? It was filled with evil looking people wearing baseball caps, socks pulled over their trousers and hundreds of gold jewellery (sovereign rings, hoop earrings, name chains, the usual) and amongst them all was me in my baggy combats, bandana and Feeder T-shirt and a skull chain. I was the only mosher in the whole place! I won’t be going back there in a hurry. On the way home we went the wrong way and ended up in the most foul estate I have ever seen. All the flats were borders up with their roofs missing, many had been burned out and all where covered in graffiti. It reminded me of how I imagine Edgefield to look like in ‘World Against Me’. It would be a good location for filming as long as the cameras didn’t get nicked! Tina phoned to let me know she wasn’t ignoring me last night, her phone had just ran out of credit. I talked to her about my guitar playing and how I seem to be inclined to pick out the bass parts of the songs and she suggested we could start a band and she could play guitar and I could try bass. I’m all for it considering it’s been my dream since the age of about nine. She says Tom (Jack’s best friend and bassist in Jack’s band) will let me borrow his bass no problem. A band! I know we won’t actually get anywhere but hey, what fun I used to have in our band in Newcastle with Laura even though we were unbelievably crap. It’s just a hobby, some messing about, that’s all.
Wasn’t sure if you wanted a copy of ‘Polythene’ by Feeder but I’ve sent it anyway. I was supposed to be getting a copy from Tina but I got so sick of waiting I went out and bought it myself. Its soooooo good. If you put the CD into the computer you can watch the video for ‘High’ and freeze it at any pint and then save the image as a still picture.
Well, I’ve got quite a few things to tell you and I’ll start with the trouble with our Head mistress, Mrs McCulloch.
You probably gathered from the text messages I sent that she has been trying to wipe out all of the moshers in Cumbernauld High, well the last step she took was to send a letter home to the parents of every single mosher. You’ll laugh when you hear what it said: ‘Dear Parent/Guardian,your son/daughter has declared themselves a mosher, this can cause problems. I would like to request that you do not allow your child to attend school dressed like this in the future.’ Can you believe that? Who does she think she is? She criticises moshers yet neds are allowed to wander the school with their socks pulled over their track suits causing trouble and shouting abuse at people. She says people feel threatened by moshers which is rubbish, she can’t seem to see that the moshers are the victims in all this, not the trouble makers. She is also trying to ban trainers in school which will just upset everyone. She’s so annoying, ‘the dragon’ is what people have started to call her. Anyway, enough of that, I could go on for ages about what she’s done but I’ll only annoy myself.
I got a job now! I work on the reception at the sports centre where Mam works in the evenings after school. I can’t say I enjoy it (in fact I hate it!) but the money makes it worth while. So I went on a shopping trip and blew most of my first weeks wages in one day! I bought some baggy combat trousers, an offspring T-shirt and the the Feeder album. The day turned out to be really mad. There was only meant to be the three of us going but we kept picking people up in the way and there ended up being seven of us, all mosher types apart from Grace who is a goth. The funniest moment came about halfway through the day when we went into a pub. Most of us just wanted soft drinks but Tina and Grace tried to order alchol and as they aren’t 18 we all got thrown out. It was quite funny. So we had to go to the pizza place instead and everyone was giving Grace dirty looks because she had on so much eyeliner and these boots with big metal heels. Jack came with us too which pleased me, and he was wearing jeans that were all ripped and he had sewn bit back together with guitar strings. He kept getting lost when he wandered away to talk to the punks who hang around the gallery and we had to keep going and looking for him, he was supposed to be getting the bus home with me but he had completely vanished by this point so I had to spend the 55 minute journey home by my self. Honestly it was like watching a nighty kid, we had to keep saying ‘Jack don’t do this, don’t do that, Jack stop wandering off without telling us!’
We went around all the good shops and there was this one shop called Flip and it sold all mosher clothes, in the basement was a goth shop called Hellfire and that’s where I got my Offspring top. You should come here and visit again sometime, all the people here say they want to meet you (don’t ask me why) I think you would like Glasgow, although it can be a bit scary if you don’s have a big crowd with you!
Oh well, that’s all my news from north of the border, there is more stuff to say but I have homework to do so I’ll save it until I next see you which will be when we go to Skellwith Fold!
More shit from those prejudice gets today. I don’t know how much more of this I can take without cracking and going insane. They where in the room next door to me when I had graphics today and they where shouting abuse at me through the wall. Can you actually believe that? It’s just one thing after another. I just start to feel happy again and something always happens to knock me right back down. Let’s move on and try not to talk about the depressing stuff anymore.
Well at least I know I’m definitely not completely gay (though I still don’t yet know if I am completely straight either) because my longing for Jack has returned with vengeance. He spoke to me in music today and I just looked at him and thought ‘My God, you are gorgeous and I need you so bad’ So my passion for him has stirred again. I just can;t help it, I need him so much, I need him in order to live. I’m only just existing right now. I’m running on auto polo and I need him in my life. Oh this is torture! But it’s not all unpleasant. Just thinking about him makes me so happy and sort of warm. But how long has this been going on? Since December. Four months. Give me a crystal ball so I can see how this all turns out. I’m back to my usual state of affairs wanting nothing more than answers and to chase away the confusion. The world would be much more pleasant if answers where available more freely. There is too much wondering and not enough certainty. Oh well, I don’t have the power to change this, no one does, so I’ll just have to make the best of life and it’s mysteries. Take it as some added flavour to the monotony. I need you Jack. I wish I could find the strength to tell you how I feel.
School again, but at least the weekend is eventually here. It’s a bit difficult to write in my diary at the moment because we are staying at Grandma’s down in South Shields right now and she lives in a bungalow so there isn’t anywhere I can go for some privacy. So, as I write I am sitting in a chair in the living room with my diary balanced on my knee, the telly is on in the background and everyone is talking so it’s a bit hard to concentrate but I’ll do my nest to ignore it and relate the events, or lack thereof, of the day.
School was as boring as ever and I wasn’t feeling great. My head was aching and I felt a bit spaced out, as if my body was there and functioning on autopilot while my mind was elsewhere. I’m sure it was because of the fumes from the lacquer I had to use in art. It has a really strong, choking smell that gets right in your nose and clogs it all up.I started feeling spaced out right after using it. I still have a head ache now but I don’t feel so clouded. Oh be quiet Grandma! I can’t think!
Oh yeah! Jack has had his hair chopped off, his beautiful hair! I have to say he looked a lot better with his long hair but I still like him just as much as I did as I try not to judge on appearance but look for deeper things and Jack is still the same person he has always been, it was his bright and interesting character that appealed to me rather than what he looks like.
So we all travelled down to Shields after school and I took a supply of tapes to listen to on my personal stereo to drown out the sickening sound of Mam’s ‘West Life’ album on the journey. Listening to that drivel would have driven me insane, three hours of boy bands would have been hell!
School again and I already wish it was the weekend. As usual I made a complete fool of myself in English, this time in both lessons. First one was with Mr. Williams and he had been marking our prelim papers. As you can probably gather from these pages my spelling is dreadful and apparently I had spelled character wrong all the way through my paper. He made me stand up in front of the class and spell it. And I couldn’t. Why did he have to make an example of me in front of the class? He had already pointed out the mistake on my actual paper, wasn’t that enough without humiliating me in front of everyone? He might as well have put me in the corner and stuck a big white dunce hat on me. Embarrassing me won’t solve a long running problem like this. There mist be something wrong with me at my age and I can’t even spell properly. Another daft thing I do is I still mix up b’s and d’s and I frequently miss letters out of words. My brain doesn’t function like a normal persons, it is broken, because I don’t think anyone else at my age does that. I can’t read out loud anymore either. I used to be able to, I was really good at it, but now when the teacher ask me to its as if my tongue is tied in knots and the words all spill out wrong and jumbled so it looks like I can’t even read properly. And I’m supposed to be a writer. A writer who can’t even spell, write the wrong letters and can’t even seem to speak properly. Great, superb, excellent, I’m sure I will be a great success. Not! Shit! The fire alarm went off in music today as well and we had to stand outside for ages on the red ash pitch which was a total wet mush so for he second time my trainers have been ruined because of a false alarm.