Friday 27th April 2001- we can perform under pressure

Today we had our audition and oh man we rocked! I’m hyper now! Got into school this morning and went straight to Mr Hendries room to squeeze in some much needed practice before registration. It was not looking good at all. We knew our individual parts but when it came to putting it all together we could not keep in time with each other. At interval it was back to Mr Hendries room for more practice and to let Jack hear the song for the first time. He didn’t practice at all but Tina assured me he is a genius on the drums. It still wasn’t looking too good, we were just so out of time and the closer it got to the audition the more nervous I felt. So we went up at lunch time to set all the equipment up in one of the music rooms. We didn’t even have time to run through once before Mrs Campbell came to hear us play. So Jack counted us in and we just threw ourselves into it. It was fantastic! Jack’s drumming was perfect and with him keeping the rhythm me and Tina were able to keep in time with each other. When I heard our music blasting out of the amps all nerves vanished and I was lost in the song. I really enjoyed it. It worked so well. It was such a great achievement for us to pull it all together in just two days. I’m so proud of us as we have shown we have talent and can perform under pressure. Wow! I’m going to get my own bass, but until then I have Tom’s. Oh what a brilliant start to our band!

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Monday 23rd April 2001- left of deviant

School was hell so you’ll understand why I don’t want to talk about it, especially when I have far greater things to relate. I am now in a band. Yeah you heard right! I think I might explode at the prospect. Tina is on guitars and vocals and Jack has agreed to drum for us until we find our own drummer. It’s all so exciting. Me and Tina have just ended a text conversation in which she suggested a name which is pure genius. We have called ourselves ‘left of deviant’. Why? Well apparently deviant means diverging from the norm   while we will also deviate from the usual alternative scene (Tina’s words not mine) so we aren’t just plain deviant but a little left of deviant. Brilliant! I am in a band! My songs can be used now. In assembly today Tina was getting so excited about the whole thing. She was shouting across the room to Tom saying ‘I got a bass player’ and hugging me. I love the bass. I’m picking it up really well. I have a theory on this; when I touched Taka’s hand at the gig some of his skills must have rubbed off. I’m so fucking happy I could cry. We have a title for our first album too- Black Doves and Broken Wings. It’s a product of both mine and Tina’s minds. How good is that? We’re going to make a great team. We will conquer the world with our creative genius and we will be huge. So here is to the birth of our musical revolution. Here’s to Left of Deviant.

Monday 2nd April 2001- Going through Changes

Another day in what seems like an endless prison, even more so with the dragon and her strict crack down on all things teenage with an attempt to make a school full of zombies. It would be quicker and easier of her just to brain wash us all, the end result would be the same. This is an interesting time in my life though.  I’ve been on a voyage of self discovery recently and I guess I’m still cruising even now. It isn’t all pleasant, but it’s not all unpleasant either, the old cliche will do fine: it’s like being on a roller coaster. One minute I’m high up in the sky and the next I’m on rock bottom. Today my emotions teeter precariously on the high track. I feel more alive today, more at peace with myself and most of all I feel safe- sure that this time on the up will be mine to enjoy for a little while before the inevitable slump back into unjustified despair. I love being seventeen. It’s so varied and exiting, I’m going through changes, really getting to know myself and find out who I am. The real me. Me as an individual. So yeah, maybe it brings up questions and breeds confusion but hey, who in the world is ever certain of everything and has all the answers? No one does. It can be kind of fun playing with the puzzle that is life. Oh well, I might be talking crap but who cares? It makes sense to me and I’m writing this for me. What else happened today? More abuse from those narrow minded individuals. I also walked the dogs while blasting my ears with ‘Nimrod’ and I went to work for five hours at the Tryst in the name of accumulating as much money as I can. Oh! I feel so hyper now!

Monday 26th March 2001- Making my Life a Misery

Back to school. Another small run in with those tormenting its who seem determined to make my life a misery. I hate them This time they were waiting to come into my English class after my class finished. I wen too leave and they where all looking through the glass in the door, watching me, looks of gleeful anticipation on their faces, they knew I would have to pass them in order to leave and they where loving it. I had no choice but to walk past them and this resulted in the usually wants and name calling. It’s so unfair. I think I might have to take Tina’s advice and try and involve the school if it goes on much longer. Yet I feel foolish going to the headmistress and telling her I am being bullied by second years. I feel as if I am supposed to be able to deal with this stuff myself, but I can’t and I feel pathetic. I told Tina this too in our chat on Thursday and she assured me it would be ok, no matter how old they are, I should still get help.

There has been another development in McCulloch’s war against moshers too. She has sent some people home with a letter that says ‘Dear Parent, your son/daughter has declared themself a mosher, this could cause problems and I would like you to ensure that your son/daughter does not come to school dressed like that in the future. How stupid she is. I hate her. Everyone was furious over this, we can’t confirm to her requests, who does she think she is? Cumbernauld High is being turned into a dictator state. Yeah I’ve always moaned about school being repressive, like a jail, but this is just appalling.

Also I had to work again today after school and I have the flu. I feel terrible. Body is aching and head is clouded.

Friday 23rd March 2001 – Masochist

The last day of a long and irksome week. Tina says she is starting to worry about me. Why? Because she read the lyrics to my most recent song and I guess she read too much into it. The song is called ‘masochist’ and is about somebody who likes to hurt. The song is written in first person and the person is a masochist speaking about how they see pain as the only thing in their life that seems real and how they hurt themselves because it is the only way people will pay attention. Well, Tina did read too much into it and I think she thinks its my real opinions. That’s why she’s worried. She thinks I am the speaker in the song. I don’t enjoy pain, far from it. In the song I am simply writing form the point of view of someone who feels so cut off from the real world they can only communicate through pain. I’m only imagining the feelings such a person might have.. Maybe my imagination runs away with me at times. To me, that song was just like one of my stories. I step into the world of an imaginary character  and for a while I am that character, but it isn’t real. It doesn’t mean the things they think and feel are what I think and feel. Why should they hold insights into my inner self? They don’t, not always, this one doesn’t reflect me at all. Perhaps the lyrics where a little twisted and maybe its my own fault that people read too much into my work because I have wrote about some personal stuff in the past. I should be careful what I spew onto the paper in the future. Well at least she cares enough to worry about me.

Thursday 22nd March 2001- Dictatorship

What a day! School has taken a massive leap in the direction of operating like a dictator state! Me, and all the moshers, are absolutely raging at todays events: The revelation of  a cruel and oppressive system put together by that devious dragon, Mrs McCulloch. I still can’t believe what she did. She rounded up all us moshers and gathered us into the exam hall to deliver her shocking and prejudice ultimatum. Moshers must change and fir in with the majority. If a mosher comes to a teacher for help because they are being bullied no help will be given on the grounds that it is their own fault. Moshers cannot stand around in groups of more than five people. These are her new rules and I am absolutely livid. What right does she have? If she is going to round people up like cattle then she should do it to the neds too. It’s the neds who are the trouble makers, hanging around street corners and drinking and doing drugs, fighting and bullying people yet she does nothing to them. Moshers always behave and mind their own business and usually do well in class. Moshers are the victims but she is basically saying we bring it on our selves because we go out of our way to be different. You should be allowed to be different! There’s rebellion in the air now and a peaceful protest is needed. We don’t plan to change for her.What can she do about it? There are so many moshers now and we won’t back down. She should be pulling up the neds if anyone, but no, they are allowed to saunter freely around the pace with their burberry caps and tones of gold jewellery, tracksuits with socks pulled up over the trousers, bullying everyone. We are the victims. Can’t she see that? We are then good side. WE are the thinker, the peaceful ones who are victimised simply because of the music we listen to and the clothes we wear. Beat up and laughed at. Yet we don’t deserve help from the school when we are picked on just for living our life.

Wednesday 21st March 2001

Its 2am. I should be sleeping. I had another bad day today. Went to school and then strait to work. Those bastards and bitches who caused me so much pain yesterday came after me outside of the Tryst when I finished work. They were following me and calling me a ‘Fucking bitch’ for shouting at that one in class yesterday. I felt like shit but I feel a little better now. At roughly 12 midnight I was woken by my phone beeping. It was Tina telling me about the concert she went to last night in  text message. I was so glad to hear from her because I know she can always help with the pain I’m in even just through text messages. So I sent her one back telling her they had came after me after work. She replied ‘Oh shit honey I’m sorry’. So we got into what was probably the longest text conversation ever. She was understanding and full of good advice as I knew she would be. She told me it would be ok and it was them who had a problem not me. Told me if I got the school involved I shouldn’t have any reason to worry. She used to have similar problems herself so she knows what she’s talking about, knows what I am going through. I’m so grateful to have her as a friend, she always knows what to say. Thanked her and told her she was great. Now that’s a real friend. Stayed up until 1 am talking to me. Made me feel so much better. So people do care after all. Yesterday I just wanted someone to tell me it would be ok and tonight she did just that. She’s my life line. Thank God for text messages so we could talk when I was supposed to be sleeping without waking Mam. I would never get any sleep tonight if she hadn’t have listened to my problems and gave me advice. Now I feel stronger as I am not isolated and alone. I can rest a little easier knowing someone cares. Thank you so much Tina you’ve saved me from a night of suffering.