February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.

 

February 8th 2001- Chilling

School again. Tonight I was suppose to be going to Spinfit again but I really didn’t want to go. I got a message from Tina asking if I wanted to go round to hers so I did that instead, I’d much rather go there than spinfit. I was the first to get to her house and while we were waiting for the others to arrive we were talking about songwriting. Tina plays the guitar and sings and wants to be in a band but she wants some original material to perform as she doesn’t have any so I said she could use my songs and she seemed really keen. I believe if she can get a drummer and maybe a bass player she could do my songs justice and she says I will get all the credit for then songs, I’d sort of be like a member of the band who doesn’t perform. I’ll be useful to them, it’s what I’ve been looking for. It would be great to see someone perform one of my songs on stage in front of hundreds of people, it would the closes I’d get to actually being in a band but it would probably still be really satisfying. I’d really love to give my songs to her so we have to get together some other time and work out the guitar parts for my songs. Kelly and Jack came round later and Jack brought loads of magazines and CDs so we were just reading the magazines and listening to music. Jack was frightened to come to Tina’s on the bus by himself so Kelly had to go with him. I think it is because he is a mosher and Tina lives in The Village. You see, The Village is filled with neds and they hang around the streets in the evenings, it’s not good for a mosher if they have to walk past gangs of neds, especially if you are on your own, so I don’t blame him for being frightened. I wouldn’t walk through the village on my own. I had a good time anyway, it seems like a long time since I went round to someones house just to ‘chill’ as Tina calls it. It feels like I have been stuck in this house night after night with nobody my own age to talk to, my social life has been dead for so long and I really want it to pick up again, I want to spend more time with my friends. I think I should invite them all round here, dispel the illusions Mam has of them all being freaks.

February 7th 2001- It Won’t Rain All the Time

School, as usual. Kelly remembered to bring my tapes in today. She copied The Crow soundtrack, Offspring’s Americana, Green Day’s Dookie and she also added a few songs to fill up the space left such as Stereophonics and Placebo. I went up to the art room in my free periods and listened to them all while I worked. I love them! The Crow soundtrack is excellent, it’s so strong and powerful and listening to it brings back images of Brandon Lee in that bleak backdrop of a smoky, dark city while the shimmering shape of the black bird glides above him. It’s art, sheer, beautifully rendered art and it’s so inspiring. That film has some of the kind of atmosphere I hope to capture in “World Against Me” and as the soundtrack captures that atmosphere beautifully I think listening to it while I work will allow me to transfer some of that darken, that unique feeling of societies black side, into my own work. And as for the song ‘It Won’t Rain All the Time’, I just love it. It’s so sad and moving. A master piece. ‘Americana’ is great too, tracks that seem to reflect real life but are humorous in the way they talk about things as appose to some of the more depressing portrayals of the truth given by other bands I like to listen to. Where I fell in love with those two albums immediately ‘Dookie’ is the kind I might have to let grow on me, an acquired taste, but after a couple of listens I started to like that too. I won’t let Mam hear them though because they have the odd swear word in them and she will only say I am weird for listening to them. It’s silly really, in the way that some kids hide things like dirty magazines from their patents I feel I have to hide my music which really is completely inoffensive but might fuel Mam’s argument that I am weird. I liked the Placebo stuff that Kelly put on too though some of it is a little depressing. Stereophonic’s “Local Boy in a Photograph” was good too. Overall I am happy as I’ve got more music to listen to so If I get bored in graphic communication I won’t have to listen to stupid dance music.