Monday 5th March 2001- A Nice Thought

Back to school. I detest it. This stupid foot and mouth disease thing is really getting out of hand. Zoos, theme parks and safari parks are all being closed, sporting events are being canceled. Ridiculous!

Jack is still plaguing my thoughts, though I didn’t seem him today. I feel desperate. Desperate for the truth. I just want to know, do I have a chance, or am I wishing on dead stars? (I will take a note of that last bit, it would make a great lyric). I wish I could see into the future. I wish I could read hi mind. I feel like a team of horses is dragging a plough through my soul. I hope some answers might grow there. I even thought about writing to that psychic in the Sunday paper. Yes I have gone mad simply from not knowing.  Oh Jack what can I do to make you love me? Should I wear floral skirts and Doc Marten boots and nice make up like Grace? Tell me please, could you ever find it in your heart to love a lonely Geordie girl lost in this world? Say you could. Say you could or I just might die. If you have to tell a lie so I can have something to believe. Hey, I bet one day I look back at this and have a dam good laugh at how pathetic I probably sound right now. Or perhaps I will get Jack one day and then I’ll show him this stuff and we will both have a dam good laugh together about how sad the mind of a teenage girl is when she can’t get what she wants. Yeah, why not, I wouldn’t be adverse to him reading this one day and sharing the memories of we were together. Now that’s a nice thought. But reality is cold and ruthless. If only I could shape my life as easily as I do the characters in my book.

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Saturday 3rd March 2001- Writing

Weekend, thank God! We had to stay in today because Lauri, our next door neighbour, was fixing our car, yet again. Anyway, even is he wasn’t we wouldn’t have had time to do anything because we all slept in until 11.30. 11.30! Now that’s just ridiculous! We didn’t go to bed late so there was no excuse for sleeping so late.

I continued to work on my book, ‘world against me’ and it’s still going strong. It’s not grown boring like some of my other stuff has once it gets past about 100 pages. This book is a fighter, just like Travis! I also made a decision about the other two books that will eventually form a part of this plan- they will both stay but ‘second chance’ will have to be rewritten because the original format is no longer appropriate. As for the untitled one, I haven’t started that yet so there is no worries there. They will no longer be stand alone novels but will be combined into one book, ‘World Against Me’ will come first, then ‘Second Chance” then untitled. The second two will be presented to us by Travis at the end of ‘World Against me’ as journals he has found- the first narrated by his Mother and the second by his Father. They won’t be independent novels but sort of extensions of ‘World Against Me’. They are there to clarify and expand on a lot of things mentioned in the interlude of ‘World Against Me’. Basically they will provide the background and history of the events that occur in Thorngate in ‘World Against Me’. This must be the perfect way to handle this. It means I won;t loose all of the essential information contained in “Second Chance” but having ‘World Against Me’ presented first and standing as the main novel I loose the risk of it being discredited by the other novels coming first because they aren’t as good. I’m so glad I’ve found a suitable solution!

Tuesday 27th February 2001-

Go away snow. I’m sick of you, it’s causing complete disruption. Today was supposed to be my day off where I could have the house to myself while Lynne was at her geography exam, Michael was at school and Mam was at work. I just wanted to listen to my music without wearing headphones, play my guitar and generally have some peace without Lynne and Michael glaring at me and talking nonsense. I also wanted a lie in. These are the things that make life bearable but I should have known my monumental bad luck would deprive me of these small luxuries. I was woken by a ferocious hammering on the door and dogs barking. When I went downstairs there was Lynne and Michael standing on the doorstep, the school buses were not running and so my peaceful morning was shattered. Mam, who was at work, tried to call a taxi to take the.m to school but they wouldn’t come so they had to stay off school. Typical. So my plans where ruined and I had no choice but to work on ‘world against me’ as an alternative. I’ve reached a really tragic scene (Morgan’s death) and I wanted to create a real sense of sadness. I know some writers listen to a certain type of music when they write so I tried this method. I took the saddest song I could think of (Jane Sibbery, it won’t rain all the time) and listened to it while writing Morgan’s death scene and I think it did help, I hope so anyway, it seemed quite good when I read it over. This book is going so well compared to others. It’s got so much more depth than a lot of the other stuff I’ve done. The music has been a tremendous help and I hope to really exploit its quality when I’m redrafting the book so I can create a powerful atmosphere. Right now the novel is like a pencil sketch and I have to render it in the dark shades of the alternative music scene to create the mood and capture alternative youth culture on a council estate.

Monday 26th February 2001-More Snow

Well, the last of my exams, graphic communication, was today and it wasn’t too bad. So now following the ceremonial ripping up of the exam time table, the prelims are done with and I have two free days to do nothing. Hallelujah! But it has been snowing again, really heavily. Go away snow! We’ve had too much snow this year, far more than usual. I mean, it’s nearly March shouldn’t there be signs of spring instead of endless arctic conditions? Snow like this is so disruptive. We had to take the dogs out for 20 minutes in it and I’ve never seen anything like it. It was blowing a hurricane and drifting everywhere. My face was numb and I couldn’t see a thing. I am not getting a dog when I leave home, it’s nothing but hassle when you have to trail around outside in subzero conditions everyday. It’s not worth it.

I think i will be going to see Feeder with Kelly not Tina. She really wants to go which is good because I couldn’t exactly go by myself could I? We’ve arranged to go and buy the tickets on Wednesday when we both have a day off. This whole thing has been up in the air for so long; first I was going, then I wasn’t, then I was, then I wasn’t. I’ll be glad when I actually have the ticket in my hand so I can know for certain I am going. If the dam snow keeps up I probably won’t be able to get to Glasgow anyway on Wednesday.

Now thatbthe exams are over I’ve managed to get back to ‘world against me’* it’s sort of been on hold for a while so it’s great to be able to slip back into the world of Travis. I’m getting to a crucial part of the story now.

 

* since starting this blog of my diary I’ve been endlessly scouring ancient computer discs in hope of finding the novel ‘world against me’ which I talk about so much in this diary. I accepted it was lost forever but yesterday, I found it. I’d been looking in the wrong place, I’d never typed it up, I found the hand written manuscript! So I promise I will blog the novel too given it meant so much to me back when I wrote this diary.

Monday 19th February 2001- Moshers and Neds (again)

It was a holiday again today so no school but Mam was at work and I had to stay in and study for exams. In the afternoon while mam was working at the Tryst I had to go to the library to get books and some ink cartridges. I saw Jack at the library but I couldn’t get up enough courage to talk to him incase Lynne and Michael noticed my obvious obsession with him so I didn’t approach him and thankfully he didn’t see me. I haven’t been to the town centre for a long time and today I found the atmosphere of it seems to have changed. It used to be awful . It used to be crowded with gangs of neds who all used yo glare at people as they walked by but today I found an improvement. There where moshers instead of neds and they didn’t glare at me. I felt right at home. Not so long ago moshers were a minority but lately they have been coming out in force and seem to be dominating over the hateful neds. Neds won’t be so smug and high and mighty now, nor will they be so keen to yell ‘mosher’ at you across the street now the power they have is dipping. And that’s the thing I love about moshers. They don’t go out of their way to be nasty to people the way neds do, they don;’t pick on people, not even neds, unless provoked, they simply allow people to get on with whatever they are doing so long as they are not harming anyone.

I continued revising ‘A Sea of the Past’ today and it definitely has potential, all I need to do is to work away at it, relentless making changes and improvements until I have perfected it. It might be good to release that as my first book because I don’t want to throw ‘World Against Me’ out there as my first novel because it is too personal, to release that as my first book would be like letting strangers in on my most person views, it would be better to earn an audience first.

Sunday 18th February 2001- A sea of the Past

This morning we took the dogs for a walk in the country park in Hamilton. The weather was quite pleasant so it was ok. Today I dug out the book I was halfway through redrafting on the computer before I stopped to revise ‘World Against Me’. That book is called ‘A sea of the past’. Looking back at it I still really like it and I’s like to finish typing it out. It is nowhere near as person as ‘World Against Me’ but it’s good for different reasons, just for entertainment value. The basic story is a Cruise liner which gets stuck in a time wrap on a voyage (I know it sounds cheesy but it isn’t) but the main focus is on the main character, a young member of the Crew called Henry Cassels. Henry is an entirely different character to Travis in ‘World Against Me’ but he can be just as intriguing. I set him up as this young man obsessed with his looks, a man who is nervous, jumpy and wingey and seems to think he is better than everyone else.  A man who is laughed at and hated by all of the other crew members, a man who is ultimately very annoying. ‘pretty boy’ they call him but as the boat is swept into a time warp Henry is forced to revise his own past to find out what is happening and we discover that there is a reason that he is the way he is. His childhood memories haunt him and they are extremely painful: he was abused by his father and never told anyone, he has kept it all bottled up and it has been eating away at him fro a long time. So the book does deal with some very dark and sinister issues, child abuse in particular, though it doesn’t go into to in such detail, it’s more just suggestive and leaves it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. The story has a tragic end. Henry’s new friends all end up dead and Henry’s own sanity is stolen from him by the trauma of both the past and present. When they find him drifting alone on a complete deserted ship he is completely unreachable, lost forever and ends up in a mental home. Which mental home? You guessed it! The famous one in Davingham, the one I use as a backdrop in all of my Davingham novels.

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.