School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?
School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.
You used to be my inspiration,
You didn’t judge me like the rest,
You saw me for the person I was,
Not for the way I dressed,
So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,
Gave your heart to a prettier face,
Your love to a better life,
Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,
Still you don’t see-
Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.
Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,
My face is a pantomime screen,
And my head is filled with litter,
Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,
Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.
You see me laugh,
Don’t hear me cry,
You see me smile,
Don’t hear me sigh,
I live on mechanical happiness,
Exterior is not interior,
From outside you can’t see,
The blackness that lives inside of me,
I live on mechanical happiness,
My smiles are run on reflex,
Take the time to look and see,
Mechanical happiness hides my misery.
School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.
Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!
back to school for another week of complete boredom and misery. At least I had some time off from Mrs O’Donovan in English because there was an assembly first thing this morning. Tina was back so she could finally hear the final version of ‘Angels in Strait Jackets’. I played it to her in music and she really liked it. She showed the lyrics to this boy called Jack in our music class and he came over and listened to the melody too. He was also impressed but he started asking all these questions like whether I was going to do it rock or metal and me not knowing as much about music as he does I just told him I wouldn’t be doing anything with it personally as I can’t play any of the instruments that would make it sound good like electric guitar.
For some reason I just don’t feel right anymore. I can’t seem top shake this sad feeling and I can’t blame anyone or anything for it, it’s just my life in general. It’s been hanging over me for ages and it’s so strong now that the slightest thing makes me feel insanely miserable. But you aren’t allowed to be unhappy in our house. Take Saturday for example. The things Mam said really upset me and she could see that but she said I was pathetic for letting it bother me because you aren’t allowed to be unhappy, it seems. That’s why I need the mechanical happiness so she can think nothing is wrong. The things that seem to cause my sadness are a number of small things: The fact that I’m thick, the fact that my future is a dead end job, the fact that I’m ugly, the fact that every day is the same with me being made to look like a dunce, but when they are all added together I realise life is pointless. I AM pathetic. Was good am I to anyone? Absolutely none. I feel ill. Michael and Lynne are so clever and I’m the thick one who got a D in computing and can’t answer any of the questions in English. Lynne is going to be a vet and I’m sure Michael will get a good job so Mam will be proud of them but I’ll never make her proud because I’ll never achieve anything. I hate me.
Went to look around the shops in Ayr then went to visit Mam’s friend, Sandra, but it’s not this I want to write about. Something happened afterwards that was not good and the end result was the same as always: I was left feeling hopeless and totally pointless. Mam said I’m weird and that I’m not like a normal girl my age. Why? Because I was wearing my hair in bunches and I don;t like bands like boy zone and west life. My hair was what she started on first, she is really set against me wearing it in bunches and I really can’t understand what’s so terrible, it’s not as if I have dyed it bright red or cut it into a mohawk, it’s only bunches and after all, appearance isn’t everything, right? I’ve always hated myself enough without people telling me I’m weird. Next it was the music I like, she’s never even listened to any of it so how on earth can she judge it? She said my friends are making me like ‘These really obscure bands’. Nonsense! I listen to them completely of my own free will because I can identify with the lyrics, is that so wrong? Why is it so wrong just to be slightly different from the majority? I’ve done nothing wrong! Maybe I don’t want to be a soppy, giggling girl with perfectly groomed loose hair drooling over some boy band, I’m really sorry Mam but I can’t be like everyone else, it isn’t in my nature, can’t you just accept me for who I am? Weekends and holidays where the things I always looked forward to most because I could just be myself, well not anymore so it would seem. All the things I hate are slowly creeping into my home life and I don’t want it. I don’t want my only form of escape to be polluted. I’ve only recently started to feel slightly good about myself, to get a sense of who I am, but with one swift blow I’ve been smacked down to square one, told I’m abnormal, and by my Mother of all people. She did apologise later but it still doesn’t stop me feeling like shit.
School of course. I was annoyed because Tina wasn’t in and I had a double period of music. As usual the music teachers where away and there was no one to take the class so I had absolutely nothing to do and no Tina to talk to so I was bored stiff. I just sat staring into space for two whole periods. If she had have been in it would have been the idea opportunity for her to listen to Angels in Straitjackets, what with their being no teacher and nothing to do. Trust my luck to spoil my plans. After school me, Mam and lynne went to this thing at the Tryst sports centre called ‘spinet’. It was three quarters of an hour of exercise on a bike to music. It was hell and also a demonstration of how unfit I am. I hardly made it through the session; my face was bright red, I was sweating and out of breath. The seats on the bike where as hard as rocks and now my backside is killing me. I probably will go back though, I wasn’t expecting getting fit to be an enjoyable experience.
I had an idea for a new song today, it’s called ‘Mechanical Happiness’. It’s a concept I came up with that describes my situation: I feel unhappy a lot of the time because of progress at school, deeply unhappy, but nobody sees. Why? Because I hide it. I allow my exterior to run on an automated system which makes me appear and sound happy, it’s complete autopilot, sometimes I hardly even what I say myself its so automatic, I’m thinking about one thing but saying something else without even realising. This is just mechanical happiness- it’s not genuine. It’s probably a difficult thing to understand unless you’ve experienced it, it’s very strange when you do experience it. So this will be the basis for my new song and it has the potential to be as good as Angels in Strait Jackets. So, like all my song, it deals with real life, real feelings and emotions that many people experience, it’s realistic and a complete contrast to the fantasy world these manufactured bands sing about.
School has not improved. I really didn’t expect to to. Kelly read my song though and she was impressed. Tomorrow I will show Tina the final version and get her to pass it on to that boy, maybe I’ll even get to show her the melody too without the power failing. My stars for the week in ‘TV Quick’ said than any boundaries that have stopped me becoming a creative success will be broken. Not that I actually believe that stuff but it would be nice if it could be true. It’s rubbish of course. How can a load of planets and stars floating around millions of miles away in space govern what happens in our lives? It’s absurd. And if it were true then it would mean hundreds of other people who are also libra would also become creative success this week. We had better watch because an overload of creation is about to hit us.
I’ve just thought of something my brother told me a few days ago that I’ve been meaning to write down. I found it quite amusing. He told me that a friend of his at school drew a picture and it showed the school on fire. Coming out of there school doors was a line of sweatshirts, and the teachers were holding the pupils back telling them to wait inside until the school uniforms where all safely away from the fire. That’s one perceptive 11 year old. I think it’s a classic depiction that says the teachers think the uniforms are more important than the people in them. It’s so inspiring I’d love to use my artistic skills to produce something similar but on a larger scale. I’ve got this image in my head of a really surreal painting in dark, sombre colours with the lines of uniforms marching along while the children wait their turn to escape the fire. It’s the sort of thing lots of people could identify with, it could have a big impact. I found it amusing anyway given my twisted view on the education system.