Monday 2nd April 2001- Going through Changes

Another day in what seems like an endless prison, even more so with the dragon and her strict crack down on all things teenage with an attempt to make a school full of zombies. It would be quicker and easier of her just to brain wash us all, the end result would be the same. This is an interesting time in my life though.  I’ve been on a voyage of self discovery recently and I guess I’m still cruising even now. It isn’t all pleasant, but it’s not all unpleasant either, the old cliche will do fine: it’s like being on a roller coaster. One minute I’m high up in the sky and the next I’m on rock bottom. Today my emotions teeter precariously on the high track. I feel more alive today, more at peace with myself and most of all I feel safe- sure that this time on the up will be mine to enjoy for a little while before the inevitable slump back into unjustified despair. I love being seventeen. It’s so varied and exiting, I’m going through changes, really getting to know myself and find out who I am. The real me. Me as an individual. So yeah, maybe it brings up questions and breeds confusion but hey, who in the world is ever certain of everything and has all the answers? No one does. It can be kind of fun playing with the puzzle that is life. Oh well, I might be talking crap but who cares? It makes sense to me and I’m writing this for me. What else happened today? More abuse from those narrow minded individuals. I also walked the dogs while blasting my ears with ‘Nimrod’ and I went to work for five hours at the Tryst in the name of accumulating as much money as I can. Oh! I feel so hyper now!

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Saturday 24th February 2001- Comfort Shopping

Its the weekend but studying can’t be put on hold. Though we did go into Stirling and I could not uphold my money saving any longer. I only intended to buy some new nose rings (all gold without stones because I always loose the stones) but then I saw this cool lamp thing with a long flexible neck for wrapping around things and I had to have it to twine around my headboard for handy post-lights out reading . Then I saw something I’ve been looking for for a while which is a clear case for my mobile phone which is actually the right size for that model and I couldn’t not buy it. Some people comfort eat when things aren’t going to well but I comfort Shop. Buying things, even just small things, always makes me happy. I should be careful, I’m always owing Mam money, when I get a job I’ll probably end up in debt because no matter how hard I try, if I see something I want I have to have it (especially beanie babies, they are my weakness). I just can’t resist temptation. Oh well.

We had quite an interesting family discussion late tonight about nothing in particular but a few interesting things emerged from it. One was that Mam thinks is a boy wants to wear nail varnish he should be able too because saying he can’t is stereotyping. The significance of this? Well, most mosher boys wear nail varnish and what she is saying is that people should be allowed to look how they want, so I can be a mosher if I want, I think she’s starting to accept that people are all different. So I don’t think she’ll accuse me of being weird anymore. Secondly, she said she’d have no objection to me going to the pub with my friends so long as I didn’t get drunk. She was acting more liberal than I could have imagined.

Sunday 18th February 2001- A sea of the Past

This morning we took the dogs for a walk in the country park in Hamilton. The weather was quite pleasant so it was ok. Today I dug out the book I was halfway through redrafting on the computer before I stopped to revise ‘World Against Me’. That book is called ‘A sea of the past’. Looking back at it I still really like it and I’s like to finish typing it out. It is nowhere near as person as ‘World Against Me’ but it’s good for different reasons, just for entertainment value. The basic story is a Cruise liner which gets stuck in a time wrap on a voyage (I know it sounds cheesy but it isn’t) but the main focus is on the main character, a young member of the Crew called Henry Cassels. Henry is an entirely different character to Travis in ‘World Against Me’ but he can be just as intriguing. I set him up as this young man obsessed with his looks, a man who is nervous, jumpy and wingey and seems to think he is better than everyone else.  A man who is laughed at and hated by all of the other crew members, a man who is ultimately very annoying. ‘pretty boy’ they call him but as the boat is swept into a time warp Henry is forced to revise his own past to find out what is happening and we discover that there is a reason that he is the way he is. His childhood memories haunt him and they are extremely painful: he was abused by his father and never told anyone, he has kept it all bottled up and it has been eating away at him fro a long time. So the book does deal with some very dark and sinister issues, child abuse in particular, though it doesn’t go into to in such detail, it’s more just suggestive and leaves it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. The story has a tragic end. Henry’s new friends all end up dead and Henry’s own sanity is stolen from him by the trauma of both the past and present. When they find him drifting alone on a complete deserted ship he is completely unreachable, lost forever and ends up in a mental home. Which mental home? You guessed it! The famous one in Davingham, the one I use as a backdrop in all of my Davingham novels.

Friday 16th February 2001- Futile Makeup Efforts

At least there was no school today as it was a holiday. We were supposed to go and see a film called ‘Castaway’ at the showcase cinema but we checked the times yesterday and we thought it was showing at 3.30. Not realising that the film times change on a Friday, we got there at the wrong time. We had to buy tickets for tomorrow instead. We decided instead to go to the shops at East Kilbride because now we won’t be going to the ships tomorrow. The car was nearly breaking down today as well. It kept cutting out overtime we stopped at the traffic lights. Also a man came out of nowhere and nearly crashed into the back of us. Mam stuck her finger up at him.

At the shops I bought some foundation because I am sick of looking so ugly and the main cause of it is my shiny, uneven complexion, I have to hide the nasty patches of redness. I’ve never really worn makeup before but the past few days have made me feel so hideous  that I feel I have to do something, no matter how futile. Anyway, it does make me look a little better and it makes me feel better, so if I feel like I look better then that’s all that matters. Oh hell! I’m rambling now, talking nonsense, talking rubbish, who am I fooling? I can’t forget Jack and I’m still hoping he will come to me. Enough said on that subject! Stop!

The hairdresser was supposed to come today but for some strange reason she didn’t. I am going to see Feeder after all. They are playing at the Barrowlands on March 16th and Mam said I could go. I can’t wait. Tina is going to get the tickets this weekend. She sent me a message last night from the my vitriol concert saying that Ash are playing the Queen Margret Union in May. I like Ash more than Feeder the trouble is no one else does so I’ll have no-one top go with.

Thursday 15th February 2001- We All Need Pain

School. When my alarm went off this morning I just didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to face another day but with the growing daylight the despair began to evaporate, but it is still a large pool and it make take a while for it to completely disappear. I have to sort out my screwed up head so I can go on living. I’d like to put Jack out of my mind completely but that is not an option. I’m still going to have to see him every day and he doesn’t know my real feelings for him. I can’t just blank him, after all he has been nice to me, I don’t want to loose him as a friend, so a friend he will stay. He can still be an inspiration as a friend. Him and Grace are both my friends so if she chooses to go out with him I should be glad, I should be pleased that my friends are happy and I will try my best to be. I certainly won’t turn against either of them because that would just be childish and nasty, we are all grown ups now so let’s act like it, no moody, jealous teenager routine, that stuff is for kids, let’s just be sensible. A look at the positive things to come out of this would do no harm: It clears away any indecision, wondering and not knowing wether he likes me was the most agonising part of this. Now I know for sure I can get on with my life. Secondly is the potential for some good lyrics I could get from the emotions I have felt over the last few days. Tuesdays entry was a torrent of true feelings poured randomly onto a page and some beautiful images were born with it, strong images that could be really moving if changed into a song. We all need pain, no matter how hard it is at the time, it builds character, it’s what helps us become more than just cardboard cut outs (when combined also with happiness of course). If I didn’t have these periods of hopelessness and trauma I would never have produced some of the work that I have. Depression is a breeding ground for ideas, a place where art is made, the most powerful art in the world comes from a soul that has suffered and has the scars to prove it. Perhaps that is why the worlds greatest creators are all manic depressives. Look at Van Gough…Need I say more?

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.

February 13th 2001- Heart Break

School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?