Well here it is, the next round of despair. I’ve been free from it for over two weeks, I’ve been so happy, I’ve been myself, and now, as the holidays close, that will all end. Oh bloody hell it’s the worst case of pre-school depression I’ve ever had. Take the misery I felt at the end of the Christmas holidays, multiply it a billion times and you’ll know how I’m feeling now, totally hopeless and in a deep depression. Where am I going? Where the hell am I going? I have no direction at all. I am too free for this world. I am a creator, an artist, but society doesn’t cater for people like me. This future is not what I want but I’ll get it anyway, because society is screwed up right now and everything is geared towards the trained professions. I’m suffocating in the academic world. Others might not feel,the need to repair their broken wings, the wings society clipped, but I need mine, I want mine, without them I will die, without them I will be crushed. Help me. I can’t ever be happy in the world of the office, of smart clothes and coffee breaks spent reading ‘woman’s own’ with a host of shallow and boring people who are content to live this way. Well I can’t do it. I’m trying to dig my heels in the ground to stop time propelling me so quickly toward the oblivion that is the constricting, unsatisfying world of work. I’ll loose myself because they will take my essence and destroy it. They’ll make me a zombie. Who knows they may cut off my wings entirely rather than just break them and then they’ll never heal, I’ll be grounded for life. Oh somebody please do something before it’s too late, don’t let them ruin me.
School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?
Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.
Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.
oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!
School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.
You used to be my inspiration,
You didn’t judge me like the rest,
You saw me for the person I was,
Not for the way I dressed,
So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,
Gave your heart to a prettier face,
Your love to a better life,
Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,
Still you don’t see-
Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.
Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,
My face is a pantomime screen,
And my head is filled with litter,
Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,
Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.
You see me laugh,
Don’t hear me cry,
You see me smile,
Don’t hear me sigh,
I live on mechanical happiness,
Exterior is not interior,
From outside you can’t see,
The blackness that lives inside of me,
I live on mechanical happiness,
My smiles are run on reflex,
Take the time to look and see,
Mechanical happiness hides my misery.
School, as usual. Kelly remembered to bring my tapes in today. She copied The Crow soundtrack, Offspring’s Americana, Green Day’s Dookie and she also added a few songs to fill up the space left such as Stereophonics and Placebo. I went up to the art room in my free periods and listened to them all while I worked. I love them! The Crow soundtrack is excellent, it’s so strong and powerful and listening to it brings back images of Brandon Lee in that bleak backdrop of a smoky, dark city while the shimmering shape of the black bird glides above him. It’s art, sheer, beautifully rendered art and it’s so inspiring. That film has some of the kind of atmosphere I hope to capture in “World Against Me” and as the soundtrack captures that atmosphere beautifully I think listening to it while I work will allow me to transfer some of that darken, that unique feeling of societies black side, into my own work. And as for the song ‘It Won’t Rain All the Time’, I just love it. It’s so sad and moving. A master piece. ‘Americana’ is great too, tracks that seem to reflect real life but are humorous in the way they talk about things as appose to some of the more depressing portrayals of the truth given by other bands I like to listen to. Where I fell in love with those two albums immediately ‘Dookie’ is the kind I might have to let grow on me, an acquired taste, but after a couple of listens I started to like that too. I won’t let Mam hear them though because they have the odd swear word in them and she will only say I am weird for listening to them. It’s silly really, in the way that some kids hide things like dirty magazines from their patents I feel I have to hide my music which really is completely inoffensive but might fuel Mam’s argument that I am weird. I liked the Placebo stuff that Kelly put on too though some of it is a little depressing. Stereophonic’s “Local Boy in a Photograph” was good too. Overall I am happy as I’ve got more music to listen to so If I get bored in graphic communication I won’t have to listen to stupid dance music.
School. It had been snowing again through the night so it was really deep. The bus didn’t get to school until just before the bell because there was traffic jams going all the way past Westerwood and the Wilderness Brae wasn’t moving very fast either. It rained a lot later so the snow all turned to slush.
I had to tell Tina that I can’t go to the Feeder gig, she is still going, I wish I was too. Some of my teachers where off because of the snow, both Mr Belkevitz and Mr Ward. Kelly forgot to bring my tapes in today but she said she would bring them tomorrow, I hope she does because I have double graphic communication and I want some new music to listen to rather than the same old stuff. In my free period I started writing some more of ‘World Against Me’. I mentioned that I was going through a bit of a rough patch but I’ve managed to get it going again. I often think writing can be like pushing a bolder- some times it all rolls along easily for a while and then it’ll get stuck on something and it takes time to get it rolling smoothly again, it never rolls freely all the way to it’s destination. I was plotting out some rough scenes for some quit emotional part of the book such as Travis’s reflection on his time in Throngate and Lee’s pleas for help. I often get quite emotional writing, close to tears sometimes. I once read somewhere “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader”. Hopefully parts of my book will provoke some strong emotion in the readers. This could be something to work on whilst redrafting the novel as some parts of it, I don’t think, are strong enough to create the kind of reaction I am looking for in it’s current state. I want to make people feel sympathy and understanding towards Travis even though he is a vampire, a killer. That’s why I need to bring the conditions he lives in in Edgefield to life. I think it’s possible. I have certainly fallen in love with him even though he’s a murderer. I couldn’t help it.
It has been snowing heavily all night and it was still going when we got up this morning, it’s deeper than it’s been all year. We didn’t go to school because a man told us there would be no teachers there as they couldn’t get in because of the snow. Thank you snow for extending the weekend and and allowing me to miss English with Mrs O’Donnavan this week, that is a blessing.
Once again Grandma was worrying about the snow- worrying it would stop the trains from running, worrying about Mam driving the car in it. She kept asking us to put the teletext on every two minutes so she could check up on the trains even though every time we did it just said exactly the same thing over and over. When she was making her sandwiches to take on the train we had some turkey slices of her to put in them. She was complaining that they smelled funny when they actually smelled perfectly normal. As she was making them she was saying, “Eee this stuff absolutely hums, I’ll have to put tomato sauce on to cover up the taste.” If we went round to her house and started complaining about the food the way she was she wouldn’t be too happy so why does she think she can do this to us? See, it’s that old lady thing again. She eventually left to go home and she hasn’t reappeared so I’m assuming the trains where running ok. I don’t know why she even bothers coming since she obviously doesn’t enjoy it, she moans about practically everything. She keeps trying to force us to move back to Newcastle as well even though none of us really want to. She keeps saying that me and Lynne and Michael should live at home forever and never have our own houses even when we have jobs, she even thinks that me and Lynne should put all our money together when we are working and share it. I don’t know where she gets these daft ideas from, how many people share their money with their siblings and stay at home forever?
I wrote some more of my book today but I’m stuck in a bit of a rough patch. It happens from time to time and usually doesn’t take long to get moving again.