Sunday 22nd April 2001- they’ll make me a zombie

Well here it is, the next round of despair. I’ve been free from it for over two weeks, I’ve been so happy, I’ve been myself, and now, as the holidays close, that will all end. Oh bloody hell it’s the worst case of  pre-school depression I’ve ever had. Take the misery I felt at the end of the Christmas holidays, multiply it a billion times and you’ll know how I’m feeling now, totally hopeless and in a deep depression. Where am I going? Where the hell am I going? I have no direction at all. I am too free for this world. I am a creator, an artist, but society doesn’t cater for people like me. This future is not what I want but I’ll get it anyway, because society is screwed up right now and everything is geared towards the trained professions. I’m suffocating in the academic world. Others might not feel,the need to repair their broken wings, the wings society clipped, but I need mine, I want mine, without them I will die, without them I will be crushed. Help me. I can’t ever be happy in the world of the office, of smart clothes and coffee breaks spent reading ‘woman’s own’ with a host of shallow and boring people who are content to live this way. Well I can’t do it. I’m trying to dig my heels in the ground to stop time propelling me so quickly toward the oblivion that is the constricting, unsatisfying world of work. I’ll loose myself because they will take my essence and destroy it. They’ll make me a zombie. Who knows they may cut off my wings entirely rather than just break them and then they’ll never heal, I’ll be grounded for life. Oh somebody please do something before it’s too late, don’t let them ruin me.

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Monday 2nd April 2001- Going through Changes

Another day in what seems like an endless prison, even more so with the dragon and her strict crack down on all things teenage with an attempt to make a school full of zombies. It would be quicker and easier of her just to brain wash us all, the end result would be the same. This is an interesting time in my life though.  I’ve been on a voyage of self discovery recently and I guess I’m still cruising even now. It isn’t all pleasant, but it’s not all unpleasant either, the old cliche will do fine: it’s like being on a roller coaster. One minute I’m high up in the sky and the next I’m on rock bottom. Today my emotions teeter precariously on the high track. I feel more alive today, more at peace with myself and most of all I feel safe- sure that this time on the up will be mine to enjoy for a little while before the inevitable slump back into unjustified despair. I love being seventeen. It’s so varied and exiting, I’m going through changes, really getting to know myself and find out who I am. The real me. Me as an individual. So yeah, maybe it brings up questions and breeds confusion but hey, who in the world is ever certain of everything and has all the answers? No one does. It can be kind of fun playing with the puzzle that is life. Oh well, I might be talking crap but who cares? It makes sense to me and I’m writing this for me. What else happened today? More abuse from those narrow minded individuals. I also walked the dogs while blasting my ears with ‘Nimrod’ and I went to work for five hours at the Tryst in the name of accumulating as much money as I can. Oh! I feel so hyper now!

Saturday 17th March 2001- Feeling Down

Today I went to Glasgow with my friends for what should have been a brilliant shopping trip but turned into an absolute nightmare. At first it was supposed to be me, Kelly and Grace going. So I got the bus with Kelly and while we were waiting for Grace at Glasgow bus station who I previously didn’t know, called Helen then Grace came, the we met Kirsty in a book shop, the Tina in Flip, and then Jack so there ended up being seven of us! Now that was good, great intact, big crows are more fun and we are all moshers so we must have looked pretty funny. We tried to get into a pub. Most of just wanted a coke but Tina and Grace got I.D’d so we had to leave. Everyone was giving Grace filthy looks because she was dressed a bit gothic, not that it should effect them how she dressed, idiots! Tina had to leave early because she had a driving lesson, we left Jack behind at the art gallery where al the moshers hang about, and we lost Helen and Kirsty when we went back into Flip for me to get my Offspring top. By this time it was six o’clock and we had been in town since 11, I just wanted to go home, I was sick, but no one else wanted to go so I had to go myself. I felt really low when I was at the bus stop alone, I didn’t get any of the stuff I needed, I felt abandoned and tired and depressed. So I sent a text to Tina, she always makes me feel happier when I am down. I told her that I suddenly felt really down and she replied as sympathetic as ever with ‘Oh honey, what’s happened to make things so bad?’.  Tina is bisexual and she always calls people ‘honey’ and ‘darling’, not that I have any problem with that, at least she is willing to listen, the others can be a bit self absorbed. I told her it was my new job bringing me down and she told me I should consider what was more important, my happiness or cash. I felt a little better after talking to her, but some other potential problem arose, I don’t want to relate it right now, I’m afraid to.

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.

February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.

 

February 2nd 2001- Broken Dreams

School again, but at least it is the last day before the weekend and for once the library was actually open! I had to make a stained glass window in art and as my theme is sports I decided to make the window a kind of Wembley memorial because the old stadium is being demolished. So it has two footballers and behind them is the famous twin towers and it’s all done in England’s colours: Red, white and Blue.

It doesn’t look I’ll be going to see Feeder after all. It’s in Edinburgh and Mam doesn’t seem too pleased about this. She was calling Tina a ‘twit’ for thinking we could go to Edinburgh. It wouldn’t be hard to get there on the train, it’s less than an hour, but I didn’t want to argue as it would just have caused trouble. She didn’t actually say I couldn’t go but she made it very clear that she didn’t want me to and so I can’t really because if I go knowing she doesn’t want me to then I’ll just feel guilty. So it’s goodbye to my first gig, the others will just have to go without me, leave the baby to sit in the house because she isn’t old enough to go anywhere by herself. It annoys me sometimes, I’m really upset because I was looking forward to going to that concert. It seems as though Mam thinks I can’t be trusted to go anywhere on my own. I’m going to loose all my friends because every time they ask me to do something I have to tell them I can’t, they’ll just think I’m boring. But no matter what, I won’t argue because I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll just have to put up with it and wait for a time when I have a job and am not at school and I can go to all the concerts I want. It’s not fair, things are so boring doing nothing at all but going to the shops and out with the dogs every week with Mam. I wonder how old I’ll need to be before I’m allowed to do things on my own? Grandma came to stay for the weekend. She was moaning because we didn’t have three spare sleeping bags for her bed. She was saying she was going to be very uncomfortable with just one. She’s never happy, every time she comes to stay she finds something to complain about from the cereals we eat to the programmes we watch.

February 1st 2017- Thing to Look Forward tp o

School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.

Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!