February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.

 

February 8th 2001- Chilling

School again. Tonight I was suppose to be going to Spinfit again but I really didn’t want to go. I got a message from Tina asking if I wanted to go round to hers so I did that instead, I’d much rather go there than spinfit. I was the first to get to her house and while we were waiting for the others to arrive we were talking about songwriting. Tina plays the guitar and sings and wants to be in a band but she wants some original material to perform as she doesn’t have any so I said she could use my songs and she seemed really keen. I believe if she can get a drummer and maybe a bass player she could do my songs justice and she says I will get all the credit for then songs, I’d sort of be like a member of the band who doesn’t perform. I’ll be useful to them, it’s what I’ve been looking for. It would be great to see someone perform one of my songs on stage in front of hundreds of people, it would the closes I’d get to actually being in a band but it would probably still be really satisfying. I’d really love to give my songs to her so we have to get together some other time and work out the guitar parts for my songs. Kelly and Jack came round later and Jack brought loads of magazines and CDs so we were just reading the magazines and listening to music. Jack was frightened to come to Tina’s on the bus by himself so Kelly had to go with him. I think it is because he is a mosher and Tina lives in The Village. You see, The Village is filled with neds and they hang around the streets in the evenings, it’s not good for a mosher if they have to walk past gangs of neds, especially if you are on your own, so I don’t blame him for being frightened. I wouldn’t walk through the village on my own. I had a good time anyway, it seems like a long time since I went round to someones house just to ‘chill’ as Tina calls it. It feels like I have been stuck in this house night after night with nobody my own age to talk to, my social life has been dead for so long and I really want it to pick up again, I want to spend more time with my friends. I think I should invite them all round here, dispel the illusions Mam has of them all being freaks.

February 7th 2001- It Won’t Rain All the Time

School, as usual. Kelly remembered to bring my tapes in today. She copied The Crow soundtrack, Offspring’s Americana, Green Day’s Dookie and she also added a few songs to fill up the space left such as Stereophonics and Placebo. I went up to the art room in my free periods and listened to them all while I worked. I love them! The Crow soundtrack is excellent, it’s so strong and powerful and listening to it brings back images of Brandon Lee in that bleak backdrop of a smoky, dark city while the shimmering shape of the black bird glides above him. It’s art, sheer, beautifully rendered art and it’s so inspiring. That film has some of the kind of atmosphere I hope to capture in “World Against Me” and as the soundtrack captures that atmosphere beautifully I think listening to it while I work will allow me to transfer some of that darken, that unique feeling of societies black side, into my own work. And as for the song ‘It Won’t Rain All the Time’, I just love it. It’s so sad and moving. A master piece. ‘Americana’ is great too, tracks that seem to reflect real life but are humorous in the way they talk about things as appose to some of the more depressing portrayals of the truth given by other bands I like to listen to. Where I fell in love with those two albums immediately ‘Dookie’ is the kind I might have to let grow on me, an acquired taste, but after a couple of listens I started to like that too. I won’t let Mam hear them though because they have the odd swear word in them and she will only say I am weird for listening to them. It’s silly really, in the way that some kids hide things like dirty magazines from their patents I feel I have to hide my music which really is completely inoffensive but might fuel Mam’s argument that I am weird. I liked the Placebo stuff that Kelly put on too though some of it is a little depressing. Stereophonic’s “Local Boy in a Photograph” was good too. Overall I am happy as I’ve got more music to listen to so If I get bored in graphic communication I won’t have to listen to stupid dance music.

February 6th 2001- No Tears in the Writer, no Tears in the Reader

School. It had been snowing again through the night so it was really deep. The bus didn’t get to school until just before the bell because there was traffic jams going all the way past Westerwood and the Wilderness Brae wasn’t moving very fast either. It rained a lot later so the snow all turned to slush.

I had to tell Tina that I can’t go to the Feeder gig, she is still going, I wish I was too. Some of my teachers where off because of the snow, both Mr Belkevitz and Mr Ward. Kelly forgot to bring my tapes in today but she said she would bring them tomorrow, I hope she does because I have double graphic communication and I want some new music to listen to rather than the same old stuff. In my free period I started writing some more of ‘World Against Me’. I mentioned that I was going through a bit of a rough patch but I’ve managed to get it going again. I often think writing can be like pushing a bolder- some times it all rolls along easily for a while and then it’ll get stuck on something and it takes time to get it rolling smoothly again, it never rolls freely all the way to it’s destination. I was plotting out some rough scenes for some quit emotional part of the book such as Travis’s reflection on his time in Throngate and Lee’s pleas for help. I often get quite emotional writing, close to tears sometimes. I once read somewhere “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader”. Hopefully parts of my book will provoke some strong emotion in the readers. This could be something to work on whilst redrafting the novel as some parts of it, I don’t think, are strong enough to create the kind of reaction I am looking for in it’s current state. I want to make people feel sympathy and understanding towards Travis even though he is a vampire, a killer. That’s why I need to bring the conditions he lives in in Edgefield to life. I think it’s possible. I have certainly fallen in love with him even though he’s a murderer. I couldn’t help it.

February 4th 2001- Old Folk

More people came to look around the house today, two lots this time and they both moaned about there being no fitted wardrobes. It was snowing all day so Grandma was panicking because she was convinced that we were going to get snowed in even though the snow is hardly very deep. Does she think we live in the middle of nowhere in the dark ages? She really thinks that it will be so bad that we won’t have enough food and we will starve. It really gets on my nerves when she goes on like this, she’s completely obsessed with getting snowed in she was acting like this at Christmas as well. All you get, all day long is “Eee, will I be able to get home alright?” Even if she couldn’t get home what’s the problem? She can just stay here. It should be us who are worrying cos we would have to put up with her for an extra few days. She was moaning about the music charts swell. She was saying “It’s just a load of noise, I don’t know how you can put up with it.” If we went on like that about her beloved Daniel O’Donnell music she would go mad, in fact she did one Christmas when me and Lynne and Michael where laughing at his suit in a video she was watching. In typical old ladies fashion she thinks she can say anything she likes to us but we can’t say anything back to her, you must go like that when you get old because all old people seem to be like that. I hope I don’t end up like that.

I was looking through all of the writing I have done over the last year and half and there is quite a lot of stuff. When I look at it all and think of the hours and effort I’ve put into it I know I have to push and push until I make it as a writer, I can’t let all of this work be a waste of time, it can’t all be for nothing and I’m sure in the end it won’t be.

February 2nd 2001- Broken Dreams

School again, but at least it is the last day before the weekend and for once the library was actually open! I had to make a stained glass window in art and as my theme is sports I decided to make the window a kind of Wembley memorial because the old stadium is being demolished. So it has two footballers and behind them is the famous twin towers and it’s all done in England’s colours: Red, white and Blue.

It doesn’t look I’ll be going to see Feeder after all. It’s in Edinburgh and Mam doesn’t seem too pleased about this. She was calling Tina a ‘twit’ for thinking we could go to Edinburgh. It wouldn’t be hard to get there on the train, it’s less than an hour, but I didn’t want to argue as it would just have caused trouble. She didn’t actually say I couldn’t go but she made it very clear that she didn’t want me to and so I can’t really because if I go knowing she doesn’t want me to then I’ll just feel guilty. So it’s goodbye to my first gig, the others will just have to go without me, leave the baby to sit in the house because she isn’t old enough to go anywhere by herself. It annoys me sometimes, I’m really upset because I was looking forward to going to that concert. It seems as though Mam thinks I can’t be trusted to go anywhere on my own. I’m going to loose all my friends because every time they ask me to do something I have to tell them I can’t, they’ll just think I’m boring. But no matter what, I won’t argue because I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll just have to put up with it and wait for a time when I have a job and am not at school and I can go to all the concerts I want. It’s not fair, things are so boring doing nothing at all but going to the shops and out with the dogs every week with Mam. I wonder how old I’ll need to be before I’m allowed to do things on my own? Grandma came to stay for the weekend. She was moaning because we didn’t have three spare sleeping bags for her bed. She was saying she was going to be very uncomfortable with just one. She’s never happy, every time she comes to stay she finds something to complain about from the cereals we eat to the programmes we watch.

February 1st 2017- Thing to Look Forward tp o

School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.

Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!