School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.
Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.
Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.
oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!
It was hailstoning and thundering today so I didn’t really want to go out. Mam and Lynne took the dogs to the village though, glad I didn’t go. The charts where surprisingly cool this week, at least the top 5 was anyway. In the top five there was: Papa Roach, Limp Bizkit (I’m not a big fan of there’s but they are a proper band so they deserve there place) and Weetus were number 2 with their song ‘Teenage Dirtbag”. That is an execellent song, I really like it, although I denied it when it came on the radio tonight because the others where all complaining it was terrible and I didn’t want to start an argument and give Mam another reason to say I am weird.
We are having terrible trouble with our animals at the minute. Today it wad Tara (the dog) who was ill. She kept falling over and her back legs where collapsing and her eyes were rolling back in her head- she looked as though she was drunk. We had to take her to the vets at nine o’clock at night and he told us that she had a middle ear infection and it was affecting her balance.
When we came back from the vets we watched ‘the exorcist’, supposedly the most terrifying film of all time. I have to say I’ve seen far worse than that before, it wasn’t even realistic, it was just too over the top. It was a good film, I did enjoy it, but I wasn’t quaking in my boots and I don’t think I’ll be having any nightmares tonight. No, the make up was so exaggerated. The girl was supposed to be possessed but her face was all cracked and a funny colour. Yeah, why would skin crack because you were possessed? You wouldn’t look that bad just because I spirit had taken over you body, your behaviour would change but your appearance would be virtually the same as usual. They say it is just as frightening now as it was when it was made but I don’t agree. I didn’t find it shocking and I didn’t jump once.
School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.
You used to be my inspiration,
You didn’t judge me like the rest,
You saw me for the person I was,
Not for the way I dressed,
So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,
Gave your heart to a prettier face,
Your love to a better life,
Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,
Still you don’t see-
Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.
Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,
My face is a pantomime screen,
And my head is filled with litter,
Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,
Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.
You see me laugh,
Don’t hear me cry,
You see me smile,
Don’t hear me sigh,
I live on mechanical happiness,
Exterior is not interior,
From outside you can’t see,
The blackness that lives inside of me,
I live on mechanical happiness,
My smiles are run on reflex,
Take the time to look and see,
Mechanical happiness hides my misery.
School again. Tonight I was suppose to be going to Spinfit again but I really didn’t want to go. I got a message from Tina asking if I wanted to go round to hers so I did that instead, I’d much rather go there than spinfit. I was the first to get to her house and while we were waiting for the others to arrive we were talking about songwriting. Tina plays the guitar and sings and wants to be in a band but she wants some original material to perform as she doesn’t have any so I said she could use my songs and she seemed really keen. I believe if she can get a drummer and maybe a bass player she could do my songs justice and she says I will get all the credit for then songs, I’d sort of be like a member of the band who doesn’t perform. I’ll be useful to them, it’s what I’ve been looking for. It would be great to see someone perform one of my songs on stage in front of hundreds of people, it would the closes I’d get to actually being in a band but it would probably still be really satisfying. I’d really love to give my songs to her so we have to get together some other time and work out the guitar parts for my songs. Kelly and Jack came round later and Jack brought loads of magazines and CDs so we were just reading the magazines and listening to music. Jack was frightened to come to Tina’s on the bus by himself so Kelly had to go with him. I think it is because he is a mosher and Tina lives in The Village. You see, The Village is filled with neds and they hang around the streets in the evenings, it’s not good for a mosher if they have to walk past gangs of neds, especially if you are on your own, so I don’t blame him for being frightened. I wouldn’t walk through the village on my own. I had a good time anyway, it seems like a long time since I went round to someones house just to ‘chill’ as Tina calls it. It feels like I have been stuck in this house night after night with nobody my own age to talk to, my social life has been dead for so long and I really want it to pick up again, I want to spend more time with my friends. I think I should invite them all round here, dispel the illusions Mam has of them all being freaks.
School, as usual. Kelly remembered to bring my tapes in today. She copied The Crow soundtrack, Offspring’s Americana, Green Day’s Dookie and she also added a few songs to fill up the space left such as Stereophonics and Placebo. I went up to the art room in my free periods and listened to them all while I worked. I love them! The Crow soundtrack is excellent, it’s so strong and powerful and listening to it brings back images of Brandon Lee in that bleak backdrop of a smoky, dark city while the shimmering shape of the black bird glides above him. It’s art, sheer, beautifully rendered art and it’s so inspiring. That film has some of the kind of atmosphere I hope to capture in “World Against Me” and as the soundtrack captures that atmosphere beautifully I think listening to it while I work will allow me to transfer some of that darken, that unique feeling of societies black side, into my own work. And as for the song ‘It Won’t Rain All the Time’, I just love it. It’s so sad and moving. A master piece. ‘Americana’ is great too, tracks that seem to reflect real life but are humorous in the way they talk about things as appose to some of the more depressing portrayals of the truth given by other bands I like to listen to. Where I fell in love with those two albums immediately ‘Dookie’ is the kind I might have to let grow on me, an acquired taste, but after a couple of listens I started to like that too. I won’t let Mam hear them though because they have the odd swear word in them and she will only say I am weird for listening to them. It’s silly really, in the way that some kids hide things like dirty magazines from their patents I feel I have to hide my music which really is completely inoffensive but might fuel Mam’s argument that I am weird. I liked the Placebo stuff that Kelly put on too though some of it is a little depressing. Stereophonic’s “Local Boy in a Photograph” was good too. Overall I am happy as I’ve got more music to listen to so If I get bored in graphic communication I won’t have to listen to stupid dance music.
School. It had been snowing again through the night so it was really deep. The bus didn’t get to school until just before the bell because there was traffic jams going all the way past Westerwood and the Wilderness Brae wasn’t moving very fast either. It rained a lot later so the snow all turned to slush.
I had to tell Tina that I can’t go to the Feeder gig, she is still going, I wish I was too. Some of my teachers where off because of the snow, both Mr Belkevitz and Mr Ward. Kelly forgot to bring my tapes in today but she said she would bring them tomorrow, I hope she does because I have double graphic communication and I want some new music to listen to rather than the same old stuff. In my free period I started writing some more of ‘World Against Me’. I mentioned that I was going through a bit of a rough patch but I’ve managed to get it going again. I often think writing can be like pushing a bolder- some times it all rolls along easily for a while and then it’ll get stuck on something and it takes time to get it rolling smoothly again, it never rolls freely all the way to it’s destination. I was plotting out some rough scenes for some quit emotional part of the book such as Travis’s reflection on his time in Throngate and Lee’s pleas for help. I often get quite emotional writing, close to tears sometimes. I once read somewhere “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader”. Hopefully parts of my book will provoke some strong emotion in the readers. This could be something to work on whilst redrafting the novel as some parts of it, I don’t think, are strong enough to create the kind of reaction I am looking for in it’s current state. I want to make people feel sympathy and understanding towards Travis even though he is a vampire, a killer. That’s why I need to bring the conditions he lives in in Edgefield to life. I think it’s possible. I have certainly fallen in love with him even though he’s a murderer. I couldn’t help it.