School again and I already wish it was the weekend. As usual I made a complete fool of myself in English, this time in both lessons. First one was with Mr. Williams and he had been marking our prelim papers. As you can probably gather from these pages my spelling is dreadful and apparently I had spelled character wrong all the way through my paper. He made me stand up in front of the class and spell it. And I couldn’t. Why did he have to make an example of me in front of the class? He had already pointed out the mistake on my actual paper, wasn’t that enough without humiliating me in front of everyone? He might as well have put me in the corner and stuck a big white dunce hat on me. Embarrassing me won’t solve a long running problem like this. There mist be something wrong with me at my age and I can’t even spell properly. Another daft thing I do is I still mix up b’s and d’s and I frequently miss letters out of words. My brain doesn’t function like a normal persons, it is broken, because I don’t think anyone else at my age does that. I can’t read out loud anymore either. I used to be able to, I was really good at it, but now when the teacher ask me to its as if my tongue is tied in knots and the words all spill out wrong and jumbled so it looks like I can’t even read properly. And I’m supposed to be a writer. A writer who can’t even spell, write the wrong letters and can’t even seem to speak properly. Great, superb, excellent, I’m sure I will be a great success. Not! Shit! The fire alarm went off in music today as well and we had to stand outside for ages on the red ash pitch which was a total wet mush so for he second time my trainers have been ruined because of a false alarm.
Back to school. I detest it. This stupid foot and mouth disease thing is really getting out of hand. Zoos, theme parks and safari parks are all being closed, sporting events are being canceled. Ridiculous!
Jack is still plaguing my thoughts, though I didn’t seem him today. I feel desperate. Desperate for the truth. I just want to know, do I have a chance, or am I wishing on dead stars? (I will take a note of that last bit, it would make a great lyric). I wish I could see into the future. I wish I could read hi mind. I feel like a team of horses is dragging a plough through my soul. I hope some answers might grow there. I even thought about writing to that psychic in the Sunday paper. Yes I have gone mad simply from not knowing. Oh Jack what can I do to make you love me? Should I wear floral skirts and Doc Marten boots and nice make up like Grace? Tell me please, could you ever find it in your heart to love a lonely Geordie girl lost in this world? Say you could. Say you could or I just might die. If you have to tell a lie so I can have something to believe. Hey, I bet one day I look back at this and have a dam good laugh at how pathetic I probably sound right now. Or perhaps I will get Jack one day and then I’ll show him this stuff and we will both have a dam good laugh together about how sad the mind of a teenage girl is when she can’t get what she wants. Yeah, why not, I wouldn’t be adverse to him reading this one day and sharing the memories of we were together. Now that’s a nice thought. But reality is cold and ruthless. If only I could shape my life as easily as I do the characters in my book.
Well, the last of my exams, graphic communication, was today and it wasn’t too bad. So now following the ceremonial ripping up of the exam time table, the prelims are done with and I have two free days to do nothing. Hallelujah! But it has been snowing again, really heavily. Go away snow! We’ve had too much snow this year, far more than usual. I mean, it’s nearly March shouldn’t there be signs of spring instead of endless arctic conditions? Snow like this is so disruptive. We had to take the dogs out for 20 minutes in it and I’ve never seen anything like it. It was blowing a hurricane and drifting everywhere. My face was numb and I couldn’t see a thing. I am not getting a dog when I leave home, it’s nothing but hassle when you have to trail around outside in subzero conditions everyday. It’s not worth it.
I think i will be going to see Feeder with Kelly not Tina. She really wants to go which is good because I couldn’t exactly go by myself could I? We’ve arranged to go and buy the tickets on Wednesday when we both have a day off. This whole thing has been up in the air for so long; first I was going, then I wasn’t, then I was, then I wasn’t. I’ll be glad when I actually have the ticket in my hand so I can know for certain I am going. If the dam snow keeps up I probably won’t be able to get to Glasgow anyway on Wednesday.
Now thatbthe exams are over I’ve managed to get back to ‘world against me’* it’s sort of been on hold for a while so it’s great to be able to slip back into the world of Travis. I’m getting to a crucial part of the story now.
* since starting this blog of my diary I’ve been endlessly scouring ancient computer discs in hope of finding the novel ‘world against me’ which I talk about so much in this diary. I accepted it was lost forever but yesterday, I found it. I’d been looking in the wrong place, I’d never typed it up, I found the hand written manuscript! So I promise I will blog the novel too given it meant so much to me back when I wrote this diary.
Well, after the trauma of yesterday I have a day off to gather my emotions and figure out how I’m going to tell Mam I’ve failed English when the time comes. I suppose I have an advantage over some people who might be convinced they’ve done well and then find out they haven’t. At least I have time to prepare how to break the news to people around me and it won’t come as such a shock. It will be very embarrassing though and that’s what I’m dreading most. I can predict that I will burn up with shame when the teacher breaks the news to me and then again when I have to tell Mam. Mr Ward won’t be too happy either. Since I joined this school he has been suffering from the illusion that I am very clever and now he’s about to discover the truth. He’ll never say I’m clever again, I feel like I’ve let everyone down,Mam, Mr Ward, everyone but myself. No I haven’t let myself down, because I know there is no way I could have done any better, nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, I gave it my all, I gave it and my revision one hundred percent but on the day it wasn’t enough, and that’s what makes it so painful- if I hadn’t tried my best I could say ‘oh well I’ll just have to work harder for the final exams in june’. I could take comfort in the fact that I’m capable of doing better. But I can’t. Come June the outcome will be that same, just more conformation of how thick I am. I could beat myself up over this but what’s the point when I haven’t actually done anything wrong? I was born stupid and I can’t punish myself for something that I was born with. I think it’s time I looked for a job so I can leave school. Let’s face it, the pace of sixth form is too much for someone as slow as me to keep,up with, I’m struggling to hold onto what little dignity I had, I’m not clever enough. What a nightmare.
My English paper was today and this proved to be the hurdle that I was to fall at. I now feel terrified and devastated. I am a compete muck up and showing just how thick I am. The first part was a poem and it made absolutely no sense to me. I read it and reread it over and over until I had read it about 20 times in total and it still made absolutely no sense. And as for the questions on it, well, they made even less sense. The second part was prose, some extracts from a novel, and yes, they made sense, novels aren’t obscure the way poems are , but the questions where obscure and seemed to have absolotley no connection at all to anything in the text. I have never felt so bad during an exam in my whole life. I feel like a complete failure, I’m useless, I wish I was dead, I’m no use to anyone. I’m too stupid. What the hell am I going to tell Mam when I get my results and find out I’ve failed? I just wanted to get up, walk out of the room, go somewhere queit and cry. I don’t think I can bare sitting there in front of the clever people whilst Mr Ward tells me I have failed. I can almost feel the embarrassment from here. I’m dreading it. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and leave all the shit behind and forget the last five years of my life even happened. I would do it too if I had somewhere to go and someone to stay with.
Tina can’t go to see Feeder anymore because she had to buy a new guitar amplifier so now I have no one to go with. I’ll have to try and convince Kelly to go with me. But what about my exam? What am I going to do? I really wish I wasn’t so stupid. Tina gave me a magazine today that she picked up at the my vitriol concert. She got it for me because it had a feature about Ash in it and lots of other cool stuff. Ash are excellent and Mam can’t say anything about them because unlike some of the bands I listen too they aren’t in the least but weird.
This morning we took the dogs for a walk in the country park in Hamilton. The weather was quite pleasant so it was ok. Today I dug out the book I was halfway through redrafting on the computer before I stopped to revise ‘World Against Me’. That book is called ‘A sea of the past’. Looking back at it I still really like it and I’s like to finish typing it out. It is nowhere near as person as ‘World Against Me’ but it’s good for different reasons, just for entertainment value. The basic story is a Cruise liner which gets stuck in a time wrap on a voyage (I know it sounds cheesy but it isn’t) but the main focus is on the main character, a young member of the Crew called Henry Cassels. Henry is an entirely different character to Travis in ‘World Against Me’ but he can be just as intriguing. I set him up as this young man obsessed with his looks, a man who is nervous, jumpy and wingey and seems to think he is better than everyone else. A man who is laughed at and hated by all of the other crew members, a man who is ultimately very annoying. ‘pretty boy’ they call him but as the boat is swept into a time warp Henry is forced to revise his own past to find out what is happening and we discover that there is a reason that he is the way he is. His childhood memories haunt him and they are extremely painful: he was abused by his father and never told anyone, he has kept it all bottled up and it has been eating away at him fro a long time. So the book does deal with some very dark and sinister issues, child abuse in particular, though it doesn’t go into to in such detail, it’s more just suggestive and leaves it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. The story has a tragic end. Henry’s new friends all end up dead and Henry’s own sanity is stolen from him by the trauma of both the past and present. When they find him drifting alone on a complete deserted ship he is completely unreachable, lost forever and ends up in a mental home. Which mental home? You guessed it! The famous one in Davingham, the one I use as a backdrop in all of my Davingham novels.
School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.