Friday 27th April 2001- we can perform under pressure

Today we had our audition and oh man we rocked! I’m hyper now! Got into school this morning and went straight to Mr Hendries room to squeeze in some much needed practice before registration. It was not looking good at all. We knew our individual parts but when it came to putting it all together we could not keep in time with each other. At interval it was back to Mr Hendries room for more practice and to let Jack hear the song for the first time. He didn’t practice at all but Tina assured me he is a genius on the drums. It still wasn’t looking too good, we were just so out of time and the closer it got to the audition the more nervous I felt. So we went up at lunch time to set all the equipment up in one of the music rooms. We didn’t even have time to run through once before Mrs Campbell came to hear us play. So Jack counted us in and we just threw ourselves into it. It was fantastic! Jack’s drumming was perfect and with him keeping the rhythm me and Tina were able to keep in time with each other. When I heard our music blasting out of the amps all nerves vanished and I was lost in the song. I really enjoyed it. It worked so well. It was such a great achievement for us to pull it all together in just two days. I’m so proud of us as we have shown we have talent and can perform under pressure. Wow! I’m going to get my own bass, but until then I have Tom’s. Oh what a brilliant start to our band!


Tuesday 24th April 2001- I’ve fallen in love with the bass

Oh how wonderful this is! I am currently in possession of a beautiful bass guitar, I am looking at it right now and I love it. It’s not mine though, it’s Tom’s, he’s let me borrow it for as long as I need it. He’s so nice, I love him, this is so exciting. Today was the first get together of  Left of Deviant so I must document it so we can remember the starting point if we ever make it. Well there was only me and Tina, we went to borrow Tom’s bass and he also loaned us a bass amp. Tina brought her electric guitar and Jack’s amp. What fun we had trying to get that bass amp up to my room, it was so heavy and a struggle. We just messed around and Tina showed me how to read bass tab. We didn’t get too far with the actual music but she is photocopying some of Bush’s songs for me to learn. We looked over my lyrics I had been scrawling during the holidays. Then we had s bit of a laughing fit because one of the songs I wrote starts with the line ‘nobody has mental balance, you have least of all’. I’m not sure why it seemed so funny but we laughed and laughed especially at the thought of it being the first song on the album and that being the very first line. Oh well. My room was filled with guitar stuff and amongst it was the two dogs wafting their tails about.  When Tina had to go we discovered getting the bass amp down the stairs was even harder than getting it up. We struggled down with it, almost crippling ourselves, and eventually got it out to the car. Oh how I need to properly learn bass and get one of my own. It’s so cool! I’ve fallen in love with the bass in the corner of my room! I don’t want to have to give it up when Tom comes back for it (though it does have a sticker on it which says ‘don’t be a dick’).

Tuesday 27th March 2001- I’m only just existing now

More shit from those prejudice gets today. I don’t know how much more of this I can take without cracking and going insane. They where in the room next door to me when I had graphics today and they where shouting abuse at me through the wall. Can you actually believe that? It’s just one thing after another. I just start to feel happy again and something always happens to knock me right back down. Let’s move on and try not to talk about the depressing stuff anymore.

Well at least I know I’m definitely not completely gay (though I still don’t yet know if I am completely straight either) because my longing for Jack has returned with vengeance. He spoke to me in music today and I just looked at him and thought ‘My God, you are gorgeous and I need you so bad’ So my passion for him has stirred again. I just can;t help it, I need him so much, I need him in order to live. I’m only just existing right now. I’m running on auto polo and I need him in my life. Oh this is torture! But it’s not all unpleasant. Just thinking about him makes me so happy and sort of warm. But how long has this been going on? Since December. Four months. Give me a crystal ball so I can see how this all turns out. I’m back to my usual state of affairs wanting nothing more than answers and to chase away the confusion. The world would be much more pleasant if answers where available more freely. There is too much wondering and not enough certainty. Oh well, I don’t have the power to change this, no one does, so I’ll just have to make the best of life and it’s mysteries. Take it as some added flavour to the monotony. I need you Jack. I wish I could find the strength to tell you how I feel.

Thursday 22nd March 2001- Dictatorship

What a day! School has taken a massive leap in the direction of operating like a dictator state! Me, and all the moshers, are absolutely raging at todays events: The revelation of  a cruel and oppressive system put together by that devious dragon, Mrs McCulloch. I still can’t believe what she did. She rounded up all us moshers and gathered us into the exam hall to deliver her shocking and prejudice ultimatum. Moshers must change and fir in with the majority. If a mosher comes to a teacher for help because they are being bullied no help will be given on the grounds that it is their own fault. Moshers cannot stand around in groups of more than five people. These are her new rules and I am absolutely livid. What right does she have? If she is going to round people up like cattle then she should do it to the neds too. It’s the neds who are the trouble makers, hanging around street corners and drinking and doing drugs, fighting and bullying people yet she does nothing to them. Moshers always behave and mind their own business and usually do well in class. Moshers are the victims but she is basically saying we bring it on our selves because we go out of our way to be different. You should be allowed to be different! There’s rebellion in the air now and a peaceful protest is needed. We don’t plan to change for her.What can she do about it? There are so many moshers now and we won’t back down. She should be pulling up the neds if anyone, but no, they are allowed to saunter freely around the pace with their burberry caps and tones of gold jewellery, tracksuits with socks pulled up over the trousers, bullying everyone. We are the victims. Can’t she see that? We are then good side. WE are the thinker, the peaceful ones who are victimised simply because of the music we listen to and the clothes we wear. Beat up and laughed at. Yet we don’t deserve help from the school when we are picked on just for living our life.

Friday 16th March 2001- Red Nose Day

Today was red nose so we had a noon uniform day to raise money. Pretty pointless when no one really wheres the uniform anyway. I wore my dragon top and my favourite piece of headwear: My blue bandana. That bandana has been a god send. I wear it whenever I get the chance because it hides my horrible hair. I hate my hair but I really like my bandana worn with my hair in bunches. Mr Ward had red nail varnish on his nose which looked very silly. One of the boys had on kilt with a plastic bum stuck to the back of it while another had on a dress.The hated dragon woman, Mrs O’donnovan, appeared to be wearing her pyjamas. Oh well, quite a comic day at school and a bit less of a bore. Then it was off to work again straight from school and this time there was no mam to help only a girl called Linda who was quite new herself. Oh what a nightmare! I hate it so much! I got moaned at by this woman because I was too slow. What the hell did she expect, I told her I was just new and only learning, can’t people have a little more understanding?  Honestly, it’s not fair! Mam came in at 9pm to help with the cash up because me and Linda can’t do it yet and there was a huge panic. My till seemed to be short by £19. There was huge panic over where the £19 had gone but it turned out Linda had counted the money wrong and it was actually there. What a relief! John, the duty officer, was tormenting me all night. He kept pulling my bunches and throwing squash balls at me. I hate work. I’m worn out. I’m so tired. Think of the money, try to think of the money!

Friday 9th March 2001- Spaced Out

School again, but at least the weekend is eventually here. It’s a bit difficult to write in my diary at the moment because we are staying at Grandma’s down in South Shields right now and she lives in a bungalow so there isn’t anywhere I can go for some privacy. So, as I write I am sitting in a chair in the living room with my diary balanced on my knee, the telly is on in the background and everyone is talking so it’s a bit hard to concentrate but I’ll do my nest to ignore it and relate the events, or lack thereof, of the day.

School was as boring as ever and I wasn’t feeling great. My head was aching and I felt a bit spaced out, as if my body was there and functioning on autopilot while my mind was elsewhere. I’m sure it was because of the fumes from the lacquer I had to use in art. It has a really strong, choking smell that gets right in your nose and clogs it all up.I started feeling spaced out right after using it. I still have a head ache now but I don’t feel so clouded. Oh be quiet Grandma! I can’t think!

Oh yeah! Jack has had his hair chopped off, his beautiful hair! I have to say he looked a lot better with his long hair but I still like him just as much as I did as I try not to judge on appearance but look for deeper things and Jack is still the same person he has always been, it was his bright and interesting character that appealed to me rather than what he looks like.

So we all travelled down to Shields after school and I took a supply of tapes to listen to on my personal stereo to drown out the sickening sound of Mam’s ‘West Life’ album on the journey. Listening to that drivel would have driven me insane, three hours of boy bands would have been hell!

Thursday 8th March 2001- School Revolution

School. Good God I hope the place burns down. I’ve often thought how funny it would be to start a revolution from inside the school. If every last pupil agreed to get up and walk out at the same time the teachers could do nothing. What fun it would be! Ha Ha! Of course, it might not be such a wise idea to throw away your education. No, not so wise at all. The closest I will ever get to a school revolution is the new novel I am planning in which the kids all walk out of school only in the story they actually have a real reason to do so. Oh well, I suppose the world pf fiction is the best place to carry such mad cap ideas. Thank God for my ability to write. And on that subject, my new song ‘Automated Happiness’ is proving to boast a beautiful set of lyrics. I showed what I have so far to Tina, and I got the impression she liked it even more than ‘Angels in Strait Jackets’. She says I have gone all philosophical, maybe I have. She says my lyrics are very similar to the things Barry writes (he’s in Jack’s band) because all of his songs are philosophical too. My lyrics have certainly grown since I first started writing songs. They didn’t seem to have any meaning before. They do now. They are very persona;l and men a lot to me. ‘Automated happiness’ is about my feelings towards Jack and all that’s happened involving him. Tina says I have earned a place in her book of quotes and that’s not easy to do!