February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.

 

February 4th 2001- Old Folk

More people came to look around the house today, two lots this time and they both moaned about there being no fitted wardrobes. It was snowing all day so Grandma was panicking because she was convinced that we were going to get snowed in even though the snow is hardly very deep. Does she think we live in the middle of nowhere in the dark ages? She really thinks that it will be so bad that we won’t have enough food and we will starve. It really gets on my nerves when she goes on like this, she’s completely obsessed with getting snowed in she was acting like this at Christmas as well. All you get, all day long is “Eee, will I be able to get home alright?” Even if she couldn’t get home what’s the problem? She can just stay here. It should be us who are worrying cos we would have to put up with her for an extra few days. She was moaning about the music charts swell. She was saying “It’s just a load of noise, I don’t know how you can put up with it.” If we went on like that about her beloved Daniel O’Donnell music she would go mad, in fact she did one Christmas when me and Lynne and Michael where laughing at his suit in a video she was watching. In typical old ladies fashion she thinks she can say anything she likes to us but we can’t say anything back to her, you must go like that when you get old because all old people seem to be like that. I hope I don’t end up like that.

I was looking through all of the writing I have done over the last year and half and there is quite a lot of stuff. When I look at it all and think of the hours and effort I’ve put into it I know I have to push and push until I make it as a writer, I can’t let all of this work be a waste of time, it can’t all be for nothing and I’m sure in the end it won’t be.

February 2nd 2001- Broken Dreams

School again, but at least it is the last day before the weekend and for once the library was actually open! I had to make a stained glass window in art and as my theme is sports I decided to make the window a kind of Wembley memorial because the old stadium is being demolished. So it has two footballers and behind them is the famous twin towers and it’s all done in England’s colours: Red, white and Blue.

It doesn’t look I’ll be going to see Feeder after all. It’s in Edinburgh and Mam doesn’t seem too pleased about this. She was calling Tina a ‘twit’ for thinking we could go to Edinburgh. It wouldn’t be hard to get there on the train, it’s less than an hour, but I didn’t want to argue as it would just have caused trouble. She didn’t actually say I couldn’t go but she made it very clear that she didn’t want me to and so I can’t really because if I go knowing she doesn’t want me to then I’ll just feel guilty. So it’s goodbye to my first gig, the others will just have to go without me, leave the baby to sit in the house because she isn’t old enough to go anywhere by herself. It annoys me sometimes, I’m really upset because I was looking forward to going to that concert. It seems as though Mam thinks I can’t be trusted to go anywhere on my own. I’m going to loose all my friends because every time they ask me to do something I have to tell them I can’t, they’ll just think I’m boring. But no matter what, I won’t argue because I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll just have to put up with it and wait for a time when I have a job and am not at school and I can go to all the concerts I want. It’s not fair, things are so boring doing nothing at all but going to the shops and out with the dogs every week with Mam. I wonder how old I’ll need to be before I’m allowed to do things on my own? Grandma came to stay for the weekend. She was moaning because we didn’t have three spare sleeping bags for her bed. She was saying she was going to be very uncomfortable with just one. She’s never happy, every time she comes to stay she finds something to complain about from the cereals we eat to the programmes we watch.

February 1st 2017- Thing to Look Forward tp o

School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.

Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!

January 30th 2001- Laughing Fit

School, that makes a change. At least Mr Williams was off so we didn’t have to do poetry in English, we just got on with our essays and Mr Ward was busy in our second period of English so we just had to do the essays again. I managed to finish mine so at least I won’t have to do it at home. The library was shut again so in my free period I had to sit in the sixth year common room and I was bored stiff. People where throwing darts at the wall right above where people where sitting. It’s really dangerous because they could hit someone. I had a laughing fit with Tina at dinner time because I opened my pencil case and dropped everything everywhere and it had a craft knife for sharpening pencils in it. It wasn’t really funny but sometimes when I’m with certain people it doesn’t have to be funny to cause a laughing fit. I haven’t had a laughing fit for ages. It used to happen all the time when I was with Laura in Newcastle and also with Amanda Sayers. Although I’m now quite settled in Cumbernauld, I still miss Newcastle sometimes, it all comes back to you if something happens to remind you of it, just the way that laughing fit today reminded me of Laura, the best friend I ever had, and the fun we used to have. I still see Laura.

I phoned my friend Mhairi, who I used to go horse riding with, when I got home because I haven’t seen her for ages and she doesn’t live that far away. I don’t want to loose touch with her. ¬†After that I decided to phone Laura. I felt much better after talking to my friends, I haven’t had a good conversation in ages and it was nice to see we can still talk that. It would be good to see Mhairi and Laura again soon.

January 29th 2001- The Creeping Sadness

back to school for another week of complete boredom and misery. At least I had some time off from Mrs O’Donovan in English because there was an assembly first thing this morning. Tina was back so she could finally hear the final version of ‘Angels in Strait Jackets’. I played it to her in music and she really liked it. She showed the lyrics to this boy called Jack in our music class and he came over and listened to the melody too. He was also impressed but he started asking all these questions like whether I was going to do it rock or metal and me not knowing as much about music as he does I just told him I wouldn’t be doing anything with it personally as I can’t play any of the instruments that would make it sound good like electric guitar.

For some reason I just don’t feel right anymore. I can’t seem top shake this sad feeling and I can’t blame anyone or anything for it, it’s just my life in general. It’s been hanging over me for ages and it’s so strong now that the slightest thing makes me feel insanely miserable. But you aren’t allowed to be unhappy in our house. Take Saturday for example. The things Mam said really upset me and she could see that but she said I was pathetic for letting it bother me because you aren’t allowed to be unhappy, it seems. That’s why I need the mechanical happiness so she can think nothing is wrong. The things that seem to cause my sadness are a number of small things: The fact that I’m thick, the fact that my future is a dead end job, the fact that I’m ugly, the fact that every day is the same with me being made to look like a dunce, but when they are all added together I realise life is pointless. I AM pathetic. Was good am I to anyone? Absolutely none. I feel ill. Michael and Lynne are so clever and I’m the thick one who got a D in computing and can’t answer any of the questions in English. Lynne is going to be a vet and I’m sure Michael will get a good job so Mam will be proud of them but I’ll never make her proud because I’ll never achieve anything. I hate me.

January 27th 2001- I’m a Freak, I’m a Weirdo

Went to look around the shops in Ayr then went to visit Mam’s friend, Sandra, but it’s not this I want to write about. Something happened afterwards that was not good and the end result was the same as always: I was left feeling hopeless and totally pointless. Mam said I’m weird and that I’m not like a normal girl my age. Why? Because I was wearing my hair in bunches and I don;t like bands like boy zone and west life. My hair was what she started on first, she is really set against me wearing it in bunches and I really can’t understand what’s so terrible, it’s not as if I have dyed it bright red or cut it into a mohawk, it’s only bunches and after all, appearance isn’t everything, right? I’ve always hated myself enough without people telling me I’m weird. Next it was the music I like, she’s never even listened to any of it so how on earth can she judge it? She said my friends are making me like ‘These really obscure bands’. Nonsense! I listen to them completely of my own free will because I can identify with the lyrics, is that so wrong? Why is it so wrong just to be slightly different from the majority? I’ve done nothing wrong! Maybe I don’t want to be a soppy, giggling girl with perfectly groomed loose hair drooling over some boy band, I’m really sorry Mam but I can’t be like everyone else, it isn’t in my nature, can’t you just accept me for who I am? Weekends and holidays where the things I always looked forward to most because I could just be myself, well not anymore so it would seem. All the things I hate are slowly creeping into my home life and I don’t want it. I don’t want my only form of escape to be polluted. I’ve only recently started to feel slightly good about myself, to get a sense of who I am, but with one swift blow I’ve been smacked down to square one, told I’m abnormal, and by my Mother of all people. She did apologise later but it still doesn’t stop me feeling like shit.