Sunday 22nd April 2001- they’ll make me a zombie

Well here it is, the next round of despair. I’ve been free from it for over two weeks, I’ve been so happy, I’ve been myself, and now, as the holidays close, that will all end. Oh bloody hell it’s the worst case of  pre-school depression I’ve ever had. Take the misery I felt at the end of the Christmas holidays, multiply it a billion times and you’ll know how I’m feeling now, totally hopeless and in a deep depression. Where am I going? Where the hell am I going? I have no direction at all. I am too free for this world. I am a creator, an artist, but society doesn’t cater for people like me. This future is not what I want but I’ll get it anyway, because society is screwed up right now and everything is geared towards the trained professions. I’m suffocating in the academic world. Others might not feel,the need to repair their broken wings, the wings society clipped, but I need mine, I want mine, without them I will die, without them I will be crushed. Help me. I can’t ever be happy in the world of the office, of smart clothes and coffee breaks spent reading ‘woman’s own’ with a host of shallow and boring people who are content to live this way. Well I can’t do it. I’m trying to dig my heels in the ground to stop time propelling me so quickly toward the oblivion that is the constricting, unsatisfying world of work. I’ll loose myself because they will take my essence and destroy it. They’ll make me a zombie. Who knows they may cut off my wings entirely rather than just break them and then they’ll never heal, I’ll be grounded for life. Oh somebody please do something before it’s too late, don’t let them ruin me.

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Saturday 17th March 2001- Feeling Down

Today I went to Glasgow with my friends for what should have been a brilliant shopping trip but turned into an absolute nightmare. At first it was supposed to be me, Kelly and Grace going. So I got the bus with Kelly and while we were waiting for Grace at Glasgow bus station who I previously didn’t know, called Helen then Grace came, the we met Kirsty in a book shop, the Tina in Flip, and then Jack so there ended up being seven of us! Now that was good, great intact, big crows are more fun and we are all moshers so we must have looked pretty funny. We tried to get into a pub. Most of just wanted a coke but Tina and Grace got I.D’d so we had to leave. Everyone was giving Grace filthy looks because she was dressed a bit gothic, not that it should effect them how she dressed, idiots! Tina had to leave early because she had a driving lesson, we left Jack behind at the art gallery where al the moshers hang about, and we lost Helen and Kirsty when we went back into Flip for me to get my Offspring top. By this time it was six o’clock and we had been in town since 11, I just wanted to go home, I was sick, but no one else wanted to go so I had to go myself. I felt really low when I was at the bus stop alone, I didn’t get any of the stuff I needed, I felt abandoned and tired and depressed. So I sent a text to Tina, she always makes me feel happier when I am down. I told her that I suddenly felt really down and she replied as sympathetic as ever with ‘Oh honey, what’s happened to make things so bad?’.  Tina is bisexual and she always calls people ‘honey’ and ‘darling’, not that I have any problem with that, at least she is willing to listen, the others can be a bit self absorbed. I told her it was my new job bringing me down and she told me I should consider what was more important, my happiness or cash. I felt a little better after talking to her, but some other potential problem arose, I don’t want to relate it right now, I’m afraid to.

Friday 16th February 2001- Futile Makeup Efforts

At least there was no school today as it was a holiday. We were supposed to go and see a film called ‘Castaway’ at the showcase cinema but we checked the times yesterday and we thought it was showing at 3.30. Not realising that the film times change on a Friday, we got there at the wrong time. We had to buy tickets for tomorrow instead. We decided instead to go to the shops at East Kilbride because now we won’t be going to the ships tomorrow. The car was nearly breaking down today as well. It kept cutting out overtime we stopped at the traffic lights. Also a man came out of nowhere and nearly crashed into the back of us. Mam stuck her finger up at him.

At the shops I bought some foundation because I am sick of looking so ugly and the main cause of it is my shiny, uneven complexion, I have to hide the nasty patches of redness. I’ve never really worn makeup before but the past few days have made me feel so hideous  that I feel I have to do something, no matter how futile. Anyway, it does make me look a little better and it makes me feel better, so if I feel like I look better then that’s all that matters. Oh hell! I’m rambling now, talking nonsense, talking rubbish, who am I fooling? I can’t forget Jack and I’m still hoping he will come to me. Enough said on that subject! Stop!

The hairdresser was supposed to come today but for some strange reason she didn’t. I am going to see Feeder after all. They are playing at the Barrowlands on March 16th and Mam said I could go. I can’t wait. Tina is going to get the tickets this weekend. She sent me a message last night from the my vitriol concert saying that Ash are playing the Queen Margret Union in May. I like Ash more than Feeder the trouble is no one else does so I’ll have no-one top go with.

Thursday 15th February 2001- We All Need Pain

School. When my alarm went off this morning I just didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to face another day but with the growing daylight the despair began to evaporate, but it is still a large pool and it make take a while for it to completely disappear. I have to sort out my screwed up head so I can go on living. I’d like to put Jack out of my mind completely but that is not an option. I’m still going to have to see him every day and he doesn’t know my real feelings for him. I can’t just blank him, after all he has been nice to me, I don’t want to loose him as a friend, so a friend he will stay. He can still be an inspiration as a friend. Him and Grace are both my friends so if she chooses to go out with him I should be glad, I should be pleased that my friends are happy and I will try my best to be. I certainly won’t turn against either of them because that would just be childish and nasty, we are all grown ups now so let’s act like it, no moody, jealous teenager routine, that stuff is for kids, let’s just be sensible. A look at the positive things to come out of this would do no harm: It clears away any indecision, wondering and not knowing wether he likes me was the most agonising part of this. Now I know for sure I can get on with my life. Secondly is the potential for some good lyrics I could get from the emotions I have felt over the last few days. Tuesdays entry was a torrent of true feelings poured randomly onto a page and some beautiful images were born with it, strong images that could be really moving if changed into a song. We all need pain, no matter how hard it is at the time, it builds character, it’s what helps us become more than just cardboard cut outs (when combined also with happiness of course). If I didn’t have these periods of hopelessness and trauma I would never have produced some of the work that I have. Depression is a breeding ground for ideas, a place where art is made, the most powerful art in the world comes from a soul that has suffered and has the scars to prove it. Perhaps that is why the worlds greatest creators are all manic depressives. Look at Van Gough…Need I say more?

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.

February 13th 2001- Heart Break

School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?

February 9th 2001- In Love

School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.

 

Mechanical Happiness

You used to be my inspiration,

You didn’t judge me like the rest,

You saw me for the person I was,

Not for the way I dressed,

So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,

Gave your heart to a prettier face,

Your love to a better life,

Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,

Still you don’t see-

Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.

Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,

My face is a pantomime screen,

And my head is filled with litter,

Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,

Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.

You see me laugh,

Don’t hear me cry,

You see me smile,

Don’t hear me sigh,

I live on mechanical happiness,

Exterior is not interior,

From outside you can’t see,

The blackness that lives inside of me,

I live on mechanical happiness,

My smiles are run on reflex,

Take the time to look and see,

Mechanical happiness hides my misery.