School again today. I was talking to Jack again in music. I had my hair down instead of tied back today and he came in saying “Happy New Hair Cut!” I told him I hadn’t had my hair cut so he started shouting “Happy new hair band!” because I had a new hair band. I managed to uphold cute a good conversation with him before the teacher came in and dragged him away to do some guitar recording. He was telling me how he doesn’t other to get dressed up smart for photos and could never picture himself in a suit and will even get married in casual clothes. I couldn’t see him in a suit either, he’s perfect the way he is. I talked to him about his band too and he said I have to come to all of his concerts when he is famous. I told him about my band I had in Newcastle before we moved here too and I found out he has relatives there and visited three times a year. I could have went on talking to him for longer if the teacher hadn’t disturbed us. Who was I kidding yesterday? Love doesn’t die that easily! It’s clear that is every conversation we have means so much to me I must, and do, want his for more than a friend. The feelings are back with vengeance, just listening to him talk is almost enough to drive me insane and looking at him is torture. I could still win him over. I really could. I love him. Unlike with other people I have liked in the past I feel very comfortable around him, I can actually talk to him, and I know, just know, that he isn’t judging me the way other people do. In fact that’s true of most moshers in general, that’s why I like them. You are allowed to be whoever you want and they never say you aren’t cool because you allowed to just be yourself!
Its the weekend but studying can’t be put on hold. Though we did go into Stirling and I could not uphold my money saving any longer. I only intended to buy some new nose rings (all gold without stones because I always loose the stones) but then I saw this cool lamp thing with a long flexible neck for wrapping around things and I had to have it to twine around my headboard for handy post-lights out reading . Then I saw something I’ve been looking for for a while which is a clear case for my mobile phone which is actually the right size for that model and I couldn’t not buy it. Some people comfort eat when things aren’t going to well but I comfort Shop. Buying things, even just small things, always makes me happy. I should be careful, I’m always owing Mam money, when I get a job I’ll probably end up in debt because no matter how hard I try, if I see something I want I have to have it (especially beanie babies, they are my weakness). I just can’t resist temptation. Oh well.
We had quite an interesting family discussion late tonight about nothing in particular but a few interesting things emerged from it. One was that Mam thinks is a boy wants to wear nail varnish he should be able too because saying he can’t is stereotyping. The significance of this? Well, most mosher boys wear nail varnish and what she is saying is that people should be allowed to look how they want, so I can be a mosher if I want, I think she’s starting to accept that people are all different. So I don’t think she’ll accuse me of being weird anymore. Secondly, she said she’d have no objection to me going to the pub with my friends so long as I didn’t get drunk. She was acting more liberal than I could have imagined.
School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.
Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.
Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.
oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!
School again. I was talking to Jack about song writing in music today. He’s got a band and he writes songs too. I was telling him about my predicament, the way I write a song and then a few days later discover someone already has something similar. I was telling him about my latest song “Mechanical Happiness” and the parallel the title has with Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” and how Tina thought I should change the title to “Automated Happiness”. He told me simply “Don’t change your stuff.” Now a little thing like that might not mean much too anyone else, you would have to be me to be inspired and touched by such a comment because it seemed to me he was expressing belief in me, telling me that my songs where strong enough to stand out and and reach people wether they have similar sounding titles or not. It meant so much to me to know that someone had belief in my songs. In the light of this I think it is time to confess something in these pages that I said I would never reveal, what harm can it do? Jack is the one. Jack is the person I can’t seem to dispel from my thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him, he’s like a magnet to me he’s just so damn cute and so sweet and so inspirational and although I barely know him I’m certain he has vision and depth like me. I want him so bad that it hurts every time I think of him, he’s different from everyone I’ve ever liked before, he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. He stands out from everybody else, he knows who he is and he’s not afraid to show it, no matter what other people might think of him he doesn’t back down and he doesn’t change just to fit in. I just can’t help it, I can’t say I love him as I honestly don’t know him well enough, at least I shouldn’t be able to say that, but hell I do! I believe in love at first sight and I love Jack and I have loved him since the first day he was in my music class and since then I’ve grown to love him more. I might die if I can’t have him.
You used to be my inspiration,
You didn’t judge me like the rest,
You saw me for the person I was,
Not for the way I dressed,
So I watched, watched as you turned away to someone else,
Gave your heart to a prettier face,
Your love to a better life,
Now pain like horse hooves funds my soul,
Still you don’t see-
Mechanical Happiness hides my misery.
Inside I scream, the thoughts in my mind are bitter,
My face is a pantomime screen,
And my head is filled with litter,
Wish I could see beyond the black veil that hides my eyes,
Wish you could see beyond the flesh that’s my disguise.
You see me laugh,
Don’t hear me cry,
You see me smile,
Don’t hear me sigh,
I live on mechanical happiness,
Exterior is not interior,
From outside you can’t see,
The blackness that lives inside of me,
I live on mechanical happiness,
My smiles are run on reflex,
Take the time to look and see,
Mechanical happiness hides my misery.
School again, but at least it is the last day before the weekend and for once the library was actually open! I had to make a stained glass window in art and as my theme is sports I decided to make the window a kind of Wembley memorial because the old stadium is being demolished. So it has two footballers and behind them is the famous twin towers and it’s all done in England’s colours: Red, white and Blue.
It doesn’t look I’ll be going to see Feeder after all. It’s in Edinburgh and Mam doesn’t seem too pleased about this. She was calling Tina a ‘twit’ for thinking we could go to Edinburgh. It wouldn’t be hard to get there on the train, it’s less than an hour, but I didn’t want to argue as it would just have caused trouble. She didn’t actually say I couldn’t go but she made it very clear that she didn’t want me to and so I can’t really because if I go knowing she doesn’t want me to then I’ll just feel guilty. So it’s goodbye to my first gig, the others will just have to go without me, leave the baby to sit in the house because she isn’t old enough to go anywhere by herself. It annoys me sometimes, I’m really upset because I was looking forward to going to that concert. It seems as though Mam thinks I can’t be trusted to go anywhere on my own. I’m going to loose all my friends because every time they ask me to do something I have to tell them I can’t, they’ll just think I’m boring. But no matter what, I won’t argue because I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll just have to put up with it and wait for a time when I have a job and am not at school and I can go to all the concerts I want. It’s not fair, things are so boring doing nothing at all but going to the shops and out with the dogs every week with Mam. I wonder how old I’ll need to be before I’m allowed to do things on my own? Grandma came to stay for the weekend. She was moaning because we didn’t have three spare sleeping bags for her bed. She was saying she was going to be very uncomfortable with just one. She’s never happy, every time she comes to stay she finds something to complain about from the cereals we eat to the programmes we watch.
School has not improved. I really didn’t expect to to. Kelly read my song though and she was impressed. Tomorrow I will show Tina the final version and get her to pass it on to that boy, maybe I’ll even get to show her the melody too without the power failing. My stars for the week in ‘TV Quick’ said than any boundaries that have stopped me becoming a creative success will be broken. Not that I actually believe that stuff but it would be nice if it could be true. It’s rubbish of course. How can a load of planets and stars floating around millions of miles away in space govern what happens in our lives? It’s absurd. And if it were true then it would mean hundreds of other people who are also libra would also become creative success this week. We had better watch because an overload of creation is about to hit us.
I’ve just thought of something my brother told me a few days ago that I’ve been meaning to write down. I found it quite amusing. He told me that a friend of his at school drew a picture and it showed the school on fire. Coming out of there school doors was a line of sweatshirts, and the teachers were holding the pupils back telling them to wait inside until the school uniforms where all safely away from the fire. That’s one perceptive 11 year old. I think it’s a classic depiction that says the teachers think the uniforms are more important than the people in them. It’s so inspiring I’d love to use my artistic skills to produce something similar but on a larger scale. I’ve got this image in my head of a really surreal painting in dark, sombre colours with the lines of uniforms marching along while the children wait their turn to escape the fire. It’s the sort of thing lots of people could identify with, it could have a big impact. I found it amusing anyway given my twisted view on the education system.