Tuesday March 6th 2001- Terrible Spelling

School again and I already wish it was the weekend. As usual I made a complete fool of myself in English, this time in both lessons. First one was with Mr. Williams and he had been marking our prelim papers. As you can probably gather from these pages my spelling is dreadful and apparently I had spelled character wrong all the way through my paper. He made me stand up in front of the class and spell it. And I couldn’t. Why did he have to make an example of me in front of the class? He had already pointed out the mistake on my actual paper, wasn’t that enough without humiliating me in front of everyone? He might as well have put me in the corner and stuck a big white dunce hat on me. Embarrassing me won’t solve a long running problem like this. There mist be something wrong with me at my age and I can’t even spell properly. Another daft thing I do is I still mix up b’s and d’s and I frequently miss letters out of words. My brain doesn’t function like a normal persons, it is broken, because I don’t think anyone else at my age does that. I can’t read out loud anymore either. I used to be able to, I was really good at it, but now when the teacher ask me to its as if my tongue is tied in knots and the words all spill out wrong and jumbled so it looks like I can’t even read properly. And I’m supposed to be a writer. A writer who can’t even spell, write the wrong letters and can’t even seem to speak properly. Great, superb, excellent, I’m sure I will be a great success. Not! Shit! The fire alarm went off in music today as well and we had to stand outside for ages on the red ash pitch which was a total wet mush so for he second time my trainers have been ruined because of a false alarm.

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Saturday 3rd March 2001- Writing

Weekend, thank God! We had to stay in today because Lauri, our next door neighbour, was fixing our car, yet again. Anyway, even is he wasn’t we wouldn’t have had time to do anything because we all slept in until 11.30. 11.30! Now that’s just ridiculous! We didn’t go to bed late so there was no excuse for sleeping so late.

I continued to work on my book, ‘world against me’ and it’s still going strong. It’s not grown boring like some of my other stuff has once it gets past about 100 pages. This book is a fighter, just like Travis! I also made a decision about the other two books that will eventually form a part of this plan- they will both stay but ‘second chance’ will have to be rewritten because the original format is no longer appropriate. As for the untitled one, I haven’t started that yet so there is no worries there. They will no longer be stand alone novels but will be combined into one book, ‘World Against Me’ will come first, then ‘Second Chance” then untitled. The second two will be presented to us by Travis at the end of ‘World Against me’ as journals he has found- the first narrated by his Mother and the second by his Father. They won’t be independent novels but sort of extensions of ‘World Against Me’. They are there to clarify and expand on a lot of things mentioned in the interlude of ‘World Against Me’. Basically they will provide the background and history of the events that occur in Thorngate in ‘World Against Me’. This must be the perfect way to handle this. It means I won;t loose all of the essential information contained in “Second Chance” but having ‘World Against Me’ presented first and standing as the main novel I loose the risk of it being discredited by the other novels coming first because they aren’t as good. I’m so glad I’ve found a suitable solution!

Tuesday 27th February 2001-

Go away snow. I’m sick of you, it’s causing complete disruption. Today was supposed to be my day off where I could have the house to myself while Lynne was at her geography exam, Michael was at school and Mam was at work. I just wanted to listen to my music without wearing headphones, play my guitar and generally have some peace without Lynne and Michael glaring at me and talking nonsense. I also wanted a lie in. These are the things that make life bearable but I should have known my monumental bad luck would deprive me of these small luxuries. I was woken by a ferocious hammering on the door and dogs barking. When I went downstairs there was Lynne and Michael standing on the doorstep, the school buses were not running and so my peaceful morning was shattered. Mam, who was at work, tried to call a taxi to take the.m to school but they wouldn’t come so they had to stay off school. Typical. So my plans where ruined and I had no choice but to work on ‘world against me’ as an alternative. I’ve reached a really tragic scene (Morgan’s death) and I wanted to create a real sense of sadness. I know some writers listen to a certain type of music when they write so I tried this method. I took the saddest song I could think of (Jane Sibbery, it won’t rain all the time) and listened to it while writing Morgan’s death scene and I think it did help, I hope so anyway, it seemed quite good when I read it over. This book is going so well compared to others. It’s got so much more depth than a lot of the other stuff I’ve done. The music has been a tremendous help and I hope to really exploit its quality when I’m redrafting the book so I can create a powerful atmosphere. Right now the novel is like a pencil sketch and I have to render it in the dark shades of the alternative music scene to create the mood and capture alternative youth culture on a council estate.

Sunday 18th February 2001- A sea of the Past

This morning we took the dogs for a walk in the country park in Hamilton. The weather was quite pleasant so it was ok. Today I dug out the book I was halfway through redrafting on the computer before I stopped to revise ‘World Against Me’. That book is called ‘A sea of the past’. Looking back at it I still really like it and I’s like to finish typing it out. It is nowhere near as person as ‘World Against Me’ but it’s good for different reasons, just for entertainment value. The basic story is a Cruise liner which gets stuck in a time wrap on a voyage (I know it sounds cheesy but it isn’t) but the main focus is on the main character, a young member of the Crew called Henry Cassels. Henry is an entirely different character to Travis in ‘World Against Me’ but he can be just as intriguing. I set him up as this young man obsessed with his looks, a man who is nervous, jumpy and wingey and seems to think he is better than everyone else.  A man who is laughed at and hated by all of the other crew members, a man who is ultimately very annoying. ‘pretty boy’ they call him but as the boat is swept into a time warp Henry is forced to revise his own past to find out what is happening and we discover that there is a reason that he is the way he is. His childhood memories haunt him and they are extremely painful: he was abused by his father and never told anyone, he has kept it all bottled up and it has been eating away at him fro a long time. So the book does deal with some very dark and sinister issues, child abuse in particular, though it doesn’t go into to in such detail, it’s more just suggestive and leaves it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. The story has a tragic end. Henry’s new friends all end up dead and Henry’s own sanity is stolen from him by the trauma of both the past and present. When they find him drifting alone on a complete deserted ship he is completely unreachable, lost forever and ends up in a mental home. Which mental home? You guessed it! The famous one in Davingham, the one I use as a backdrop in all of my Davingham novels.

February 14th 2001- Valentines Day

School. Valentines day. I hate Valentines day. For people like me it is just another reminder of how I never get the guy and I never will. It is particularly painful in the wake of yesterdays revelation, the ceremonial ripping apart of my fragile soul. Any threads of hope that stubbornly refused to be shifted by Tina’s information (she could be wrong, I might have heard wrong) were today prized away and tossed to the wind along with the remains of my spirit. Jack paraded around the music room declaring his love for Grace and each time he said it I felt my heart wrench. I’m starting to feel insanely jealous of that girl, but not malicious towards her. I can’t hate people when they have done nothing wrong. So no I can no longer live in hope or dream, I have to drop this ridiculous facade and face up to the cold facts: I am ugly and pathetic and no one will ever want me. If I felt miserable yesterday then today I felt tragic. I’ve fallen into a pit of pain and there isn’t a ladder so I can’t climb out and nobody is throwing me a line so I am going to drown. I wish I could be someone else. I don;t want to be me anymore. Somebody please shoot me before I do it myself. Why is the world so unfair? I did not want to get up this morning. I had a double free period and I didn’t want to see anyone so I retired to the place that is fast becoming a sanctuary among the misery of school life: The art room set aside for sixth year students. I can be alone there, undisturbed, and drown my sorrows in a deluge of comforting music while I throw myself into my work. When I got home I still felt awful an I needed to cry, crying would have been a release, but I couldn’t because then Mam would ask what was wrong and I don’t want to tell her so I just sat down against my wardrobe and stared into space. I didn’t move a muscle for hours, I think I sent myself into a trance. I felt numb and sick.I can’t think of anything else but Jack. I can’t stop thinking about how he loves Grace.

February 13th 2001- Heart Break

School. I’ve taken a downward turn again, why do I always allow myself to get my hopes up? It only makes me feel even more disappointed and empty when the inevitable blackness closes in again, and it always does. I heard from Tina today that Jack is sending a valentines card to one of my friends, Grace. Why does this always happen to me? I’m just too ugly, you have to be pretty like Grace. I’m glad I kept my feelings about him to myself because it would have made me feel really awkward around Grace. I don’t blame her and I have no intention of causing trouble so I guess I’ll just suffer in silence and allow automated happiness to lead me on through the dark. Ironically, I was talking to Jack this afternoon in music (I won’t be nasty to him anyway because I can’t blame him either really) and he commented that I looked upset. If only he knew why! I told him I was ok. I’m not ok. I’m hurt really badly. I feel rejected and hollow. Bitter pain pounds my soul like the hooves of 1000 horses galloping through the void left by the positivity which has been torn away. I’m broken. I’m crushed. I’m alone. Someone has taken my ray ope inspiration. Why? Why me? Why do I always have to be knocked back down just as I’m starting to pick up again. Shoot me now, please. I don’t even know if Grace like him. She’s a perfectly nice girl but I don’t think she could understand Jack the way I could if I was given a chance, she’s not deep enough and she has no vision. Oh hell! Dam it! Let them do what they want, who cares if I suffer? I’m used to it. A piece of my inside is dead now, I’ll never allow myself to have feelings towards anyone ever again, it hurts too much when things like this happen. I’ll bury Jack in the back of my memory along with Anthony and William, but unlike the other two he will always have a special place as he is different. Thunder splits my aching head and lightening tears my heart. What will make it stop?

12th February 2001- Our Dog Takes Drugs

Back to school. Monday morning once again. I hate Mondays, a whole long boring week still to go, but at least it’s a short week this week but next week is the prelim exams which I am dreading. I know I will fail them all, stupid dam things they cause too much stress, a thing everyone could do without. Exams should be abolished for good and people should be assessed purely on class work. Exams suck.

Today in music Jack said to me “Are you coming to the link on Wednesday?” I asked why and he said “You don’t want to be alone on valentines day”. And I asked what was happening at the link and he said “ask Tina, she knows” then he ran away. I haven’t seen Tina to ask her so I sent her a text message but she didn’t reply so I will I have to wait until tomorrow to ask her. Of course I will be going though if Jack is going and he was the one who said I should go. I really do think he is great. He’s just brilliant and I absolutely love him. I’ve never had a crush on anybody like this before but he’s just so unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. He’s just so perfect and unique. Could I have a chance with him? Why not? It’s strange, I don’t feel ugly when I’m around him, I feel great, he just makes me feel fine. I’ve never felt so good about myself as I have recently, Im gaining confidence, I’m finding a place where I belong and friends who are like me and understand me, it’s taken me four years since we moved here to finally get back some kind of life and some confidence. I’m not a hopeless case after all. I can write novels and songs, I’ll be starting my writing course in the future and Tina will be working on my songs and fitting them to guitar. Between the two I will make something of myself, I’m certain, so what do I have to worry about?Who cares what Mam thinks of my appearance and the music I like? She can have her opinion.

oh wait, I almost forgot! It wasn’t an ear infection that Tara had, she went back to the vets today and he thinks she ate a pill when she was out, that’s why she was so spaced out. Our dog takes drugs!