Wednesday 28th February 2001- broken washing machine

The last day off before it’s back to school back to the dreaded place to make me miserable when the results of my English exam are revealed. Today I went to Glasgow with Kelly to get feeder tickets so now I actually have the tickets so I am definitely going yet I feel strangely nervous about going I. haven’t got a clue why maybe it’s just because I’ve never been to a concert at the barrow land before. I get like this about everything that’s different. I’m stupid really because I know that I will really enjoyed it. I get so worried about things then when I actually get there it’s fine. I wish I wasn’t like that it’s just another one of my stupid flaws.

In Glasgow I got the PlayStation game ‘theme park world’ from Michael because he’s been looking for it for ages.

I’m really worried about my English results though, I can’t stop thinking about it, I shouldn’t get them tomorrow because I don’t have English on Thursdays but I’d probably get them on Friday, I have English last thing on Friday. lovely I’ll get them just in time for the weekend so that’s this weekend ruined before it even started. It just isn’t fair.

The washing machine has broken down as well and we can’t afford to get a new one. Mam says that when it’s broken down completely we will have to wash your clothes in the bath. Now that’s just ridiculous. How many people these days have to wash the clothes in the bath? The answer is non of course. It’s going to be like living in the 19th century or something. All our clothes will be scruffy because they won’t get cleaned properly in the bath and so will end up looking and smelling like a load of tramps. And whose fault is it? The pig is of course. He’s an idiot.

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Tuesday 27th February 2001-

Go away snow. I’m sick of you, it’s causing complete disruption. Today was supposed to be my day off where I could have the house to myself while Lynne was at her geography exam, Michael was at school and Mam was at work. I just wanted to listen to my music without wearing headphones, play my guitar and generally have some peace without Lynne and Michael glaring at me and talking nonsense. I also wanted a lie in. These are the things that make life bearable but I should have known my monumental bad luck would deprive me of these small luxuries. I was woken by a ferocious hammering on the door and dogs barking. When I went downstairs there was Lynne and Michael standing on the doorstep, the school buses were not running and so my peaceful morning was shattered. Mam, who was at work, tried to call a taxi to take the.m to school but they wouldn’t come so they had to stay off school. Typical. So my plans where ruined and I had no choice but to work on ‘world against me’ as an alternative. I’ve reached a really tragic scene (Morgan’s death) and I wanted to create a real sense of sadness. I know some writers listen to a certain type of music when they write so I tried this method. I took the saddest song I could think of (Jane Sibbery, it won’t rain all the time) and listened to it while writing Morgan’s death scene and I think it did help, I hope so anyway, it seemed quite good when I read it over. This book is going so well compared to others. It’s got so much more depth than a lot of the other stuff I’ve done. The music has been a tremendous help and I hope to really exploit its quality when I’m redrafting the book so I can create a powerful atmosphere. Right now the novel is like a pencil sketch and I have to render it in the dark shades of the alternative music scene to create the mood and capture alternative youth culture on a council estate.

Monday 26th February 2001-More Snow

Well, the last of my exams, graphic communication, was today and it wasn’t too bad. So now following the ceremonial ripping up of the exam time table, the prelims are done with and I have two free days to do nothing. Hallelujah! But it has been snowing again, really heavily. Go away snow! We’ve had too much snow this year, far more than usual. I mean, it’s nearly March shouldn’t there be signs of spring instead of endless arctic conditions? Snow like this is so disruptive. We had to take the dogs out for 20 minutes in it and I’ve never seen anything like it. It was blowing a hurricane and drifting everywhere. My face was numb and I couldn’t see a thing. I am not getting a dog when I leave home, it’s nothing but hassle when you have to trail around outside in subzero conditions everyday. It’s not worth it.

I think i will be going to see Feeder with Kelly not Tina. She really wants to go which is good because I couldn’t exactly go by myself could I? We’ve arranged to go and buy the tickets on Wednesday when we both have a day off. This whole thing has been up in the air for so long; first I was going, then I wasn’t, then I was, then I wasn’t. I’ll be glad when I actually have the ticket in my hand so I can know for certain I am going. If the dam snow keeps up I probably won’t be able to get to Glasgow anyway on Wednesday.

Now thatbthe exams are over I’ve managed to get back to ‘world against me’* it’s sort of been on hold for a while so it’s great to be able to slip back into the world of Travis. I’m getting to a crucial part of the story now.

 

* since starting this blog of my diary I’ve been endlessly scouring ancient computer discs in hope of finding the novel ‘world against me’ which I talk about so much in this diary. I accepted it was lost forever but yesterday, I found it. I’d been looking in the wrong place, I’d never typed it up, I found the hand written manuscript! So I promise I will blog the novel too given it meant so much to me back when I wrote this diary.

Saturday 24th February 2001- Comfort Shopping

Its the weekend but studying can’t be put on hold. Though we did go into Stirling and I could not uphold my money saving any longer. I only intended to buy some new nose rings (all gold without stones because I always loose the stones) but then I saw this cool lamp thing with a long flexible neck for wrapping around things and I had to have it to twine around my headboard for handy post-lights out reading . Then I saw something I’ve been looking for for a while which is a clear case for my mobile phone which is actually the right size for that model and I couldn’t not buy it. Some people comfort eat when things aren’t going to well but I comfort Shop. Buying things, even just small things, always makes me happy. I should be careful, I’m always owing Mam money, when I get a job I’ll probably end up in debt because no matter how hard I try, if I see something I want I have to have it (especially beanie babies, they are my weakness). I just can’t resist temptation. Oh well.

We had quite an interesting family discussion late tonight about nothing in particular but a few interesting things emerged from it. One was that Mam thinks is a boy wants to wear nail varnish he should be able too because saying he can’t is stereotyping. The significance of this? Well, most mosher boys wear nail varnish and what she is saying is that people should be allowed to look how they want, so I can be a mosher if I want, I think she’s starting to accept that people are all different. So I don’t think she’ll accuse me of being weird anymore. Secondly, she said she’d have no objection to me going to the pub with my friends so long as I didn’t get drunk. She was acting more liberal than I could have imagined.

Friday 23rd February 2001- Exam Blues

Well, after the trauma of yesterday I have a day off to gather my emotions and figure out how I’m going to tell Mam I’ve failed English when the time comes. I suppose I have an advantage over some people who might be convinced they’ve done well and then find out they haven’t. At least I have time to prepare how to break the news to people around me and it won’t come as such a shock. It will be very embarrassing though and that’s what I’m dreading most. I can predict that I will burn up with shame when the teacher breaks the news to me and then again when I have to tell Mam. Mr Ward won’t be too happy either. Since I joined this school he has been suffering from the illusion that I am very clever and now he’s about to discover the truth. He’ll never say I’m clever again, I feel like I’ve let everyone down,Mam, Mr Ward, everyone but myself. No I haven’t let myself down, because I know there is no way I could have done any better, nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, I gave it my all, I gave it and my revision one hundred percent but on the day it wasn’t enough, and that’s what makes it so painful- if I hadn’t tried my best I could say ‘oh well I’ll just have to work harder for the final exams in june’. I could take comfort in the fact that I’m capable of doing better. But I can’t. Come June the outcome will be that same, just more conformation of how thick I am.  I could beat myself up over this but what’s the point when I haven’t actually done anything wrong? I was born stupid and I can’t punish myself for something that I was born with. I think it’s time I looked for a job so I can leave school. Let’s face it, the pace of sixth form is too much for someone as slow as me to keep,up with, I’m struggling to hold onto what little dignity I had, I’m not clever enough. What a nightmare.

Thursday 22nd February 2001- failing English

My English paper was today and this proved to be the hurdle that I was to fall at. I now feel terrified and devastated. I am a compete muck up and showing just how thick I am. The first part was a poem and it made absolutely no sense to me. I read it and reread it over and over until I had read it about 20 times in total and it still made absolutely no sense. And as for the questions on it, well, they made even less sense. The second part was prose, some extracts from a novel, and yes, they made sense, novels aren’t obscure the way poems are , but the questions where obscure and seemed to have absolotley no connection at all to anything in the text. I have never felt so bad during an exam in my whole life. I feel like a complete failure, I’m useless, I wish I was dead, I’m no use to anyone. I’m too stupid. What the hell am I going to tell Mam when I get my results and find out I’ve failed? I just wanted to get up, walk out of the room, go somewhere queit and cry. I don’t think I can bare sitting there in front of the clever people whilst Mr Ward tells me I have failed. I can almost feel the embarrassment from here.  I’m dreading it. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and leave all the shit behind and forget the last five years of my life even happened. I would do it too if I had somewhere to go and someone to stay with.

Tina can’t go to see Feeder anymore because she had to buy a new guitar amplifier so now I have no one to go with. I’ll have to try and convince Kelly to go with me. But what about my exam? What am I going to do? I really wish I wasn’t so stupid. Tina gave me a magazine today that she picked up at the my vitriol concert. She got it for me because it had a feature about Ash in it and lots of other cool stuff. Ash are excellent and Mam can’t say anything about them because unlike some of the bands I listen too they aren’t in the least but weird.

Wednesday 21st February 2001- Study Leave

Study leave means that because I had no exams today I had a day off and was able to have a lie in. Revision dominated most of the day of course, frantically going over English past papers in preparation for the second exam tomorrow. Study leave is the only slightly good part of exams, yet they are considering abolishing it! Yes, the education authorities actually want to end study leave and make you attend classes in between exams. What a crap idea. They’d do better to get rid of the actual exams, I’m sure that would be a more welcome change. Imagine how it would feel having to attained classes between exams? You would be overwhelmed with too many facts. Say you had an English exam but before going to that you had a history class in which you would, of course, be studying history. That would throw completely out of line, take your mind away from the english exam. That time would be better spent doing independent study for the upcoming english exam so it would be fresh in your mind. Whoever came up with this totally pointless idea must be a total lunatic. What are they hoping to achieve by doing this? Even more stress for pupils? Also, the days off are good chance to get a really valuable nights sleep which can only be good for people who need to have their brains in gear. I just can’t understand the reasoning behind this plan. Still, it won’t come into action until after I’ve left school.

Mam has been in a foul mood for days now. It seems the whole family is encases in a shroud of depression and I don’t feel too good myself, it’s all about that bastard* living in Ireland, there has been no money from him when it was due last week. i hate him. He doesn’t even offer an explantation or an apology. He’s a nasty git and I hope he drops dead. Never hated anyone so much.

 

*my father