February 2nd 2001- Broken Dreams

School again, but at least it is the last day before the weekend and for once the library was actually open! I had to make a stained glass window in art and as my theme is sports I decided to make the window a kind of Wembley memorial because the old stadium is being demolished. So it has two footballers and behind them is the famous twin towers and it’s all done in England’s colours: Red, white and Blue.

It doesn’t look I’ll be going to see Feeder after all. It’s in Edinburgh and Mam doesn’t seem too pleased about this. She was calling Tina a ‘twit’ for thinking we could go to Edinburgh. It wouldn’t be hard to get there on the train, it’s less than an hour, but I didn’t want to argue as it would just have caused trouble. She didn’t actually say I couldn’t go but she made it very clear that she didn’t want me to and so I can’t really because if I go knowing she doesn’t want me to then I’ll just feel guilty. So it’s goodbye to my first gig, the others will just have to go without me, leave the baby to sit in the house because she isn’t old enough to go anywhere by herself. It annoys me sometimes, I’m really upset because I was looking forward to going to that concert. It seems as though Mam thinks I can’t be trusted to go anywhere on my own. I’m going to loose all my friends because every time they ask me to do something I have to tell them I can’t, they’ll just think I’m boring. But no matter what, I won’t argue because I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll just have to put up with it and wait for a time when I have a job and am not at school and I can go to all the concerts I want. It’s not fair, things are so boring doing nothing at all but going to the shops and out with the dogs every week with Mam. I wonder how old I’ll need to be before I’m allowed to do things on my own? Grandma came to stay for the weekend. She was moaning because we didn’t have three spare sleeping bags for her bed. She was saying she was going to be very uncomfortable with just one. She’s never happy, every time she comes to stay she finds something to complain about from the cereals we eat to the programmes we watch.

February 1st 2017- Thing to Look Forward tp o

School, as usual. This week is really dragging by. Feeder are playing a gig somewhere near here in March and Tina was asking if I wanted to go because she is a fan too. I’d really love to go because I’ve never been to a proper gig before! Yes, I did go to see Ant and Dec and the Royal Concert Hall a few years ago but that doesn’t really count, they aren’t exactly a proper band, are they? Feeder are among my favourite bands at the moment so it would be really great to go and see then, it’s on March 11th and Barry and Jack might be going too. I really didn’t think Mam would let me go though after the way she was acting last Sunday about my music but I asked her at dinner time and she said I could! Great! I could be going to my first real concert, I can’t wait! I’m getting sick of listening to the same cassette tapes over and over again so Kelly said she would copy Green Day’s album, The Offspring’s album and the sound track from ‘The Crow’ for me so at least Monday I will have some more stuff to listen to. She is also going to lend me a video that has Ash and Feeder and The Offspring on it.

Today I sent off that form to get some information about that writing course so hopefully I will hear something from them soon. So I’m starting to feel a bit more cheerful, perhaps things are not so hopeless after all. Things are starting to look positive and I have a few things to look forward to now: a possible first step towards a writing career, going to see my favourite band live in Edinburgh. It makes me wonder what I had to be so miserable about! Well, other than school, of course. I know when I find out more about the writing course I will just hate being there even more because it will all be utterly pointless, I’ll just want to get away from it so I can start that course that will educate me in was I like doing most of all: writing! I really feel I have some talent and if I can get some constructive criticism and advice on how to improve I could really make a quite good go at it and I know I will make a living writing one day. It’s my destiny!

January 31st 2001

School, and the library was shut once again when I had a double free period, it’s starting to get on my nerves. I found something interesting in magazine at school today though, something that might come in really handy for me: it was about a writing course. It’s one you do from home. It sounds excellent. It gives you help on getting things published and if you haven’t earned back your tuition fees from writing by time you finish the course you get a full refund. It had a form to fill in and send away for more information so I might as well send it away and see what it says. It’s the kind of thing that I would love to do because you just do it in your free time so I could have a job at the same time then I would have money for the fees. At least I’ve found a lead because previously I had no idea where I was even going to start in getting my writing career off the ground, this looks like it could be the help I need.

At school today the police came in. Apparently some people had been throwing eggs at someones house, Mr Ward was telling us in English, and a drug addict came out of the house and pulled one of the boys inside. He said one of the boys in his class was ‘in hysterics because he though he was going to loose his friend’. A little way through English Mr Ward went to check what was happening and the boy still hadn’t been released. It’s a bit ridiculous when things like that happen. Typical of Cumbernauld. I didn’t find out what happened in the end.

January 30th 2001- Laughing Fit

School, that makes a change. At least Mr Williams was off so we didn’t have to do poetry in English, we just got on with our essays and Mr Ward was busy in our second period of English so we just had to do the essays again. I managed to finish mine so at least I won’t have to do it at home. The library was shut again so in my free period I had to sit in the sixth year common room and I was bored stiff. People where throwing darts at the wall right above where people where sitting. It’s really dangerous because they could hit someone. I had a laughing fit with Tina at dinner time because I opened my pencil case and dropped everything everywhere and it had a craft knife for sharpening pencils in it. It wasn’t really funny but sometimes when I’m with certain people it doesn’t have to be funny to cause a laughing fit. I haven’t had a laughing fit for ages. It used to happen all the time when I was with Laura in Newcastle and also with Amanda Sayers. Although I’m now quite settled in Cumbernauld, I still miss Newcastle sometimes, it all comes back to you if something happens to remind you of it, just the way that laughing fit today reminded me of Laura, the best friend I ever had, and the fun we used to have. I still see Laura.

I phoned my friend Mhairi, who I used to go horse riding with, when I got home because I haven’t seen her for ages and she doesn’t live that far away. I don’t want to loose touch with her.  After that I decided to phone Laura. I felt much better after talking to my friends, I haven’t had a good conversation in ages and it was nice to see we can still talk that. It would be good to see Mhairi and Laura again soon.

January 29th 2001- The Creeping Sadness

back to school for another week of complete boredom and misery. At least I had some time off from Mrs O’Donovan in English because there was an assembly first thing this morning. Tina was back so she could finally hear the final version of ‘Angels in Strait Jackets’. I played it to her in music and she really liked it. She showed the lyrics to this boy called Jack in our music class and he came over and listened to the melody too. He was also impressed but he started asking all these questions like whether I was going to do it rock or metal and me not knowing as much about music as he does I just told him I wouldn’t be doing anything with it personally as I can’t play any of the instruments that would make it sound good like electric guitar.

For some reason I just don’t feel right anymore. I can’t seem top shake this sad feeling and I can’t blame anyone or anything for it, it’s just my life in general. It’s been hanging over me for ages and it’s so strong now that the slightest thing makes me feel insanely miserable. But you aren’t allowed to be unhappy in our house. Take Saturday for example. The things Mam said really upset me and she could see that but she said I was pathetic for letting it bother me because you aren’t allowed to be unhappy, it seems. That’s why I need the mechanical happiness so she can think nothing is wrong. The things that seem to cause my sadness are a number of small things: The fact that I’m thick, the fact that my future is a dead end job, the fact that I’m ugly, the fact that every day is the same with me being made to look like a dunce, but when they are all added together I realise life is pointless. I AM pathetic. Was good am I to anyone? Absolutely none. I feel ill. Michael and Lynne are so clever and I’m the thick one who got a D in computing and can’t answer any of the questions in English. Lynne is going to be a vet and I’m sure Michael will get a good job so Mam will be proud of them but I’ll never make her proud because I’ll never achieve anything. I hate me.

January 28th 2001- A brief Entry

Stayed in today because Mam had to work overtime to pay for us to go on holiday. Manchester United where playing West Ham at Old Trafford in the fourth round of the FA cup, it was live on ITV so we watched it and it was awful.

Once again the charts where rubbish. The only decent band in the whole top forty was Feeder and they had slipped right down. I’m still struggling to take in the things Mam said yesterday. I can’t believe she could be so against me wearing my hair in bunches and listening to the music I like. I can’e make any sense of it. I never ever would have imagined she was the sort of person who wants everyone to be the same. If everyone was the same it would be like living in a dictator state. Don’t get me wrong, my Mam is a brilliant person and I’ll always love her but that’s why it’s so painful to think that every time she looks at me she doesn’t like what she sees.

January 27th 2001- I’m a Freak, I’m a Weirdo

Went to look around the shops in Ayr then went to visit Mam’s friend, Sandra, but it’s not this I want to write about. Something happened afterwards that was not good and the end result was the same as always: I was left feeling hopeless and totally pointless. Mam said I’m weird and that I’m not like a normal girl my age. Why? Because I was wearing my hair in bunches and I don;t like bands like boy zone and west life. My hair was what she started on first, she is really set against me wearing it in bunches and I really can’t understand what’s so terrible, it’s not as if I have dyed it bright red or cut it into a mohawk, it’s only bunches and after all, appearance isn’t everything, right? I’ve always hated myself enough without people telling me I’m weird. Next it was the music I like, she’s never even listened to any of it so how on earth can she judge it? She said my friends are making me like ‘These really obscure bands’. Nonsense! I listen to them completely of my own free will because I can identify with the lyrics, is that so wrong? Why is it so wrong just to be slightly different from the majority? I’ve done nothing wrong! Maybe I don’t want to be a soppy, giggling girl with perfectly groomed loose hair drooling over some boy band, I’m really sorry Mam but I can’t be like everyone else, it isn’t in my nature, can’t you just accept me for who I am? Weekends and holidays where the things I always looked forward to most because I could just be myself, well not anymore so it would seem. All the things I hate are slowly creeping into my home life and I don’t want it. I don’t want my only form of escape to be polluted. I’ve only recently started to feel slightly good about myself, to get a sense of who I am, but with one swift blow I’ve been smacked down to square one, told I’m abnormal, and by my Mother of all people. She did apologise later but it still doesn’t stop me feeling like shit.